Dear LORD:
Thank you that we have come to the weekend. I am having a wonderful time. I blessed my heart to see my sweetheart weeping openly in the meeting as Todd and Patti described their story. Amen!
MDDL:
Your MEQ today was the wonderful way you made me laugh in our last dialog.
The strongest feelings I had during our times of trouble were being completely abandoned, hopeless and out-of-control.
My peak experience in my life is the “child at the keyhole” during the period while my mother was isolated by my father when I was seven. I realize in the wisdom of retrospection that I cleverly chose a woman and then I cleverly manipulated that woman, i.e., you, into helping me to recreate that situation. I suppose something inside of me needed to feel that again, so that I could go back to that stage in my life and regain a measure of hope and control.
I only know that I have felt that wound deeply my entire life, and the loss of control and support from the only person who loved me at that time was a devastating blow. The feeling I felt the night that I came home from the Hartsells, found you gone, and checked the accounts and found that they were drained, was identical to the feeling that I felt standing in front of that keyhole at the age of seven.
Of course, you could have done nothing else. I had subconsciously manipulated you into that position. My ego needed for you to do that. How else could I have experienced you coming back?
Just as my mother did. One day, she was simply there. We never discussed it, at least not until years later, and not without some measure of awkwardness. She was funny about it. She realized how much she failed me, and I am sure she felt terrible about it. My mother was a moral person after all. I cannot imagine the Hell she lived in being married to my father.
I am so sorry that I put you through that kind of Hell. I am not the person my father was. He was a terribly abusive and hostile person. I related to him as an angry god when I was small. He was simply arbitrary and always enraged. You never knew when he would snap. Then chaos would ensue. I did not adopt that side of his personality thank god.
I certainly did get the passive aggressive, hostile, slovenly side of him though. And I served that side of him up to you for years, forcing you to eat it, until it stuck in your throat. Once you had had a belly full, of course you left. Like I said, what else could you do?
My feeling about that time is, again, a feeling of hopelessness, abandonment, and loss of control. I suppose hopelessness is the strongest feeling. Like there is nothing I can do to fix this, it’s simply too big. Overwhelming. Beyond me. Completely hopeless.
In terms of an image it would be like being asked to pick up and move Mount Denali. You are told you have three days. Go for it. And if you don’t pull it off in that time, something terrible will happen. Say that you will lose your job, or possibly your child will be taken away. You look at that mountain and realize how impossible it is.
In terms of a shared memory, I suppose the best example I can think of is the trauma we went through with Apcom, Jerry Clawson and the lawsuit against us. A total lose-lose situation. Where there is no correct choice. Completely out of control. Hijacked by this crazy situation.
The color is grey. Dark, dark grey, the color of a thunderstorm on a dark stormy night, pregnant with potential for destruction and violence.
Love,
Me
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