Dear LORD:
Thank you for Ruth. Help me be a good husband to her, especially in the area of finances. Help me to overcome my tendency to procrastinate. Help me to be consistent, and diligent in the area of finances. Amen!
MDDL:
Your MEQ today was your beautiful email to me earlier this morning. I loved receiving this lovely message from you. You are my sweetheart!
The way I feel about our conversation last Saturday regarding finances is great! It was amazing to me that the LORD showed me that I was sabotaging our lives in that area, through my addiction to crisis and chaos. The first step to overcoming an addiction is to know that you have it. That was a moment of clarity for me for sure.
My father, as you know, created chaos constantly for the entire family. Anyone who was around him for any length of time became sucked into the vortex of his life. His grim shit philosophy was inescapable. The only way out was to avoid him.
Unfortunately, that was not an option for a little boy. I learned the message at an early life that "Life is grim." This message resounded deep within my soul, and scored deep ruts within it. Ever since then, I have been prone to periods of desperation and instability in my life.
I need to realize that life is not grim. Life is good. Life is wonderful. Life is a pleasure. Life is glorious. Especially for one so blessed as to be married to you!
We are actually doing very well. We have some challenges to overcome. But we are making rapid progress. Your car situation is being resolved. We have a way to pay off our credit cards which will not bankrupt us. I have a way to make extra income. I am finding new avenues for employment which may become quite rewarding, both financially and in other ways.
So, all things considered, things could be far worse. I need to remember that. Life is not grim, and I do not have to make it such. We can be happy. We can have joy.
The way I feel about this conversation is similar to the way I felt when I had my conversation with Bob in November. It was a lightening, a release of a burden. It felt like I had been set free.
Freedom. What a wonderful thing.
I love you.
Love,
Me
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Friday, February 22, 2008
HDIF about Jeff's job situation? DYFF.
Dear LORD:
Please help me in the area of my job. I am struggling. I am crying out to you. I need your guidance right now. Amen.
Dearest Ruth:
Your MEQ today was getting up and checking on Jeanae. I appreciate you staying engaged with her!
My strongest feeling about my job is trapped.
The combination of the negative environment, the loss of any sense of control over my program, the renewed travel demands, and the $30K 401K loan which effectively prevents me from leaving EMC is making me feel a smothering feeling of entrapment.
I will readily admit that I do not know what to do at this point. So I guess that's another feeling: Confusion. I really do not know where to turn at this point.
So I am trying lots of things. Looking for another spot somewhere within EMC. Looking for jobs outside of EMC (with the caveat that that involves a hire-on bonus big enough to get us out of the 401K loan). You get the idea.
I am also frustrated, annoyed, angry, and disappointed. I worked very hard in the Commercial Solutions group, was told that I had done a really great job and that the results I had achieved had great value in the company. I was told that EMC was lucky to have me, that I was one of the most valuable employees in the company.
And then they fucked me.
It just doesn't make any sense.
So there is another feeling: Injustice. Betrayal. You get the idea.
The strongest feeling, though, is one of being trapped. Another word for that is enslaved. It feels as though I am a slave to this job.
I want to be set free. I want to live with choices. I am tired of working in this abusive, negative environment.
I do not get up in the morning raring to go. I am not enthusiastic about the prospect of running more tests and publishing more documents. It has become like a chore. Something I do to make money to live. That's not what a job should be.
I want to be passionate. I want to be engaged. I want to be enthusiastic and happy about what I do for a living. I have to spend too much time doing it to be miserable.
But right now, I feel that I have few choices. I am trying to create some additional choices. Nothing really solid yet. Maybe that will become more clear over the next few days.
So we will go with trapped. I feel trapped and enslaved. It is a 10, no question. It feels like I cannot escape from this trap that has me chained to this job. The color would be a dark grey. Gloomy and depressing.
In terms of a shared experience, it feels like the time when we heard about the IRS AltMin liability. Trapped by circumstances and situations outside our control. Our freedom robbed from us.
Love,
Me
Please help me in the area of my job. I am struggling. I am crying out to you. I need your guidance right now. Amen.
Dearest Ruth:
Your MEQ today was getting up and checking on Jeanae. I appreciate you staying engaged with her!
My strongest feeling about my job is trapped.
The combination of the negative environment, the loss of any sense of control over my program, the renewed travel demands, and the $30K 401K loan which effectively prevents me from leaving EMC is making me feel a smothering feeling of entrapment.
I will readily admit that I do not know what to do at this point. So I guess that's another feeling: Confusion. I really do not know where to turn at this point.
So I am trying lots of things. Looking for another spot somewhere within EMC. Looking for jobs outside of EMC (with the caveat that that involves a hire-on bonus big enough to get us out of the 401K loan). You get the idea.
I am also frustrated, annoyed, angry, and disappointed. I worked very hard in the Commercial Solutions group, was told that I had done a really great job and that the results I had achieved had great value in the company. I was told that EMC was lucky to have me, that I was one of the most valuable employees in the company.
And then they fucked me.
It just doesn't make any sense.
So there is another feeling: Injustice. Betrayal. You get the idea.
The strongest feeling, though, is one of being trapped. Another word for that is enslaved. It feels as though I am a slave to this job.
I want to be set free. I want to live with choices. I am tired of working in this abusive, negative environment.
I do not get up in the morning raring to go. I am not enthusiastic about the prospect of running more tests and publishing more documents. It has become like a chore. Something I do to make money to live. That's not what a job should be.
I want to be passionate. I want to be engaged. I want to be enthusiastic and happy about what I do for a living. I have to spend too much time doing it to be miserable.
But right now, I feel that I have few choices. I am trying to create some additional choices. Nothing really solid yet. Maybe that will become more clear over the next few days.
So we will go with trapped. I feel trapped and enslaved. It is a 10, no question. It feels like I cannot escape from this trap that has me chained to this job. The color would be a dark grey. Gloomy and depressing.
In terms of a shared experience, it feels like the time when we heard about the IRS AltMin liability. Trapped by circumstances and situations outside our control. Our freedom robbed from us.
Love,
Me
Saturday, February 16, 2008
HDIF about the upcoming travel schedule for Jeff's work. DYFF,
Dear LORD:
Please preserve us through the up-coming period of high travel. I am not happy about my job demanding such a sacrifice from us. But right now there is little I can do about it. As I continue to look for more practical ways to make a living, please be with both of us and keep our relationship fresh, vital, and loving. Amen!
MDDL:
Your MEQ today was the beautiful smile you gave me when we prayed over our oatmeal this morning. I loved your glowing face when I looked up from praying. You were and are so beautiful!
The way I feel about the up-coming travel is stressed. There is a pit in my stomach about it. I do not want to travel in this way. I feel like I have fallen into a trap again. NetApp was a trap. It sabotaged our relationship for me to work there. I don't want EMC to become the same thing.
I am also stressed about the effect of this set of trips on our relationship. I want for us to come up with a plan in which we will be able to remain connected and related during this period. Perhaps we can pray and dialog every day? They will suck up huge amounts of my time in meetings, no doubt, but I will make a concerted effort to make time for us. If I could know that you are with me in this, and that our relationship is strong, that would relieve much of my anxiety about these trips.
Ultimately, as I have told you already, I want to get out of IT and find another way of making a living. IT has been a great gig for us, but I am very tired of it. As I contemplate the prospect of learning yet another supposedly cool technology (uck), I am filled with a sense of sameness. Boring! How many times have I grappled with a piece of software or hardware and wrestled it to the ground. It ceases to challenge. Yes, I can do this. Yes, I am very good at it. But it's becoming like doing the dishes, clipping your toenails, picking your nose, or any number of other slightly annoying, boring, repetitive tasks. It is inevitable that the industry is going to churn out yet another piece of software or hardware that supposedly "changes everything". It really changes nothing. It just generates work for people like me and makes money for already rich companies. Ultimately, I am just a tool of the machine.
I am soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo tired of this.
I want to do something new, something exciting, something that really does change the world. Yes, I know. I need to focus on myself. In that sense EMC has been very good to us, and I need to remember that. It has been a low demand, relatively easy job much of the time. And it has given us time to heal, time to focus on us, our children, and my health. That is a good thing, and I need to maintain an attitude of gratitude about that.
But I still can't help being resentful, angry, stressed out and anxious about all those %^&*()%$%$% trips!
Most of all, I am afraid that this will cause you to leave me. I guess I still feel some insecurity about that. Maybe less and less as time goes by. You have no idea how important you are to me. If we had to live in a teacup and eat crusts of bread while covering our heads with a handkerchief in order to keep off the rain, I would be OK as long as you are with me. If I had a palatial mansion with 100 servants and you were not there, I would be lost.
Please accept my heartfelt and true assurance that I have no desire to get on planes and galavant around the world. I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo over that! It would be wonderful if you were with me. But if you are not there, I am just a depressed, sad and lonely man.
Please, please, please be with me. In spirit if not in body. Let's figure out a way for us to be as strong and true to each other as we are today in this.
Love,
Me
Please preserve us through the up-coming period of high travel. I am not happy about my job demanding such a sacrifice from us. But right now there is little I can do about it. As I continue to look for more practical ways to make a living, please be with both of us and keep our relationship fresh, vital, and loving. Amen!
MDDL:
Your MEQ today was the beautiful smile you gave me when we prayed over our oatmeal this morning. I loved your glowing face when I looked up from praying. You were and are so beautiful!
The way I feel about the up-coming travel is stressed. There is a pit in my stomach about it. I do not want to travel in this way. I feel like I have fallen into a trap again. NetApp was a trap. It sabotaged our relationship for me to work there. I don't want EMC to become the same thing.
I am also stressed about the effect of this set of trips on our relationship. I want for us to come up with a plan in which we will be able to remain connected and related during this period. Perhaps we can pray and dialog every day? They will suck up huge amounts of my time in meetings, no doubt, but I will make a concerted effort to make time for us. If I could know that you are with me in this, and that our relationship is strong, that would relieve much of my anxiety about these trips.
Ultimately, as I have told you already, I want to get out of IT and find another way of making a living. IT has been a great gig for us, but I am very tired of it. As I contemplate the prospect of learning yet another supposedly cool technology (uck), I am filled with a sense of sameness. Boring! How many times have I grappled with a piece of software or hardware and wrestled it to the ground. It ceases to challenge. Yes, I can do this. Yes, I am very good at it. But it's becoming like doing the dishes, clipping your toenails, picking your nose, or any number of other slightly annoying, boring, repetitive tasks. It is inevitable that the industry is going to churn out yet another piece of software or hardware that supposedly "changes everything". It really changes nothing. It just generates work for people like me and makes money for already rich companies. Ultimately, I am just a tool of the machine.
I am soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo tired of this.
I want to do something new, something exciting, something that really does change the world. Yes, I know. I need to focus on myself. In that sense EMC has been very good to us, and I need to remember that. It has been a low demand, relatively easy job much of the time. And it has given us time to heal, time to focus on us, our children, and my health. That is a good thing, and I need to maintain an attitude of gratitude about that.
But I still can't help being resentful, angry, stressed out and anxious about all those %^&*()%$%$% trips!
Most of all, I am afraid that this will cause you to leave me. I guess I still feel some insecurity about that. Maybe less and less as time goes by. You have no idea how important you are to me. If we had to live in a teacup and eat crusts of bread while covering our heads with a handkerchief in order to keep off the rain, I would be OK as long as you are with me. If I had a palatial mansion with 100 servants and you were not there, I would be lost.
Please accept my heartfelt and true assurance that I have no desire to get on planes and galavant around the world. I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo over that! It would be wonderful if you were with me. But if you are not there, I am just a depressed, sad and lonely man.
Please, please, please be with me. In spirit if not in body. Let's figure out a way for us to be as strong and true to each other as we are today in this.
Love,
Me
Monday, February 4, 2008
HDIF about the upcoming vasectomy procedure? DYFF.
Dear LORD:
Thank you for providing a way for me to become sterile. My quiver is full. I do not want to have any more children. Thank you very much for the three beautiful children you have given Ruth and me. They are an amazing blessing. But I don't want any more children. At this point in our lives, they would be a burden. That's for sure. We need to find a way to stop having to worry about birth control. Amen!
MDDL:
Your MEQ today was the way you looked at me and told me that I am the love of your life. That totally touched my heart!
I have to admit that I am a bit nervous about the procedure. The last time I had this, it was not much fun. But I have more confidence in this group of folks than I did in the incompetent hack who did it the last time. I will have a general anesthetic and that's a good thing. They will probably not have to intubate me. I would prefer not to be tubed, if possible. I will have a very small incision and probably only a band aid, maybe with one stitch only.
There will be a bit of pain, but it will be over quickly, and then I will be sterile.
I have to admit that I am really looking forward to being sterile. I don't want to be afraid of having sex with you. I am always hesitant because I want to protect you from becoming pregnant. If you became pregnant at this point, that would be a very bad thing for you, and for our family.
You remember the time recently that we had unprotected sex when you were still on your period a little? I am still worried about that one. I do not want to have to worry anymore. I will sweat it out until you get your period again this month. It was great having sex that time, but not worth it if I worry about you becoming pregnant.
I just want to be able to go for it. When we are together and we have a moment of privacy and the mood hits us. Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! There you have it! Wow!
That would be really really great.
So although I am a bit nervous about having the procedure, my strongest feeling is excitement that we will be able to have completely spontaneous, free, unfettered and unhindered SSSSSEEEEEXXXXXXX!!!!!!!
Yay!
My feeling about this is a 10. It is excitement, and it is decidedly erotic. I have all kinds of fantasies about it. My favorite form of sex is actually intercourse. When I get going, it feels like my penis is going to explode. It is sooooo great! And I know that it is your favorite too! And that is very exciting to me!
So the whole thing is like a bit feedback loop. You like it. I like it. I like it that you like it. And so on and so on.
To compare it to a shared experience it is like the excitement that I felt when we were kissing in Duke Garden. Or when you called me a few days and wanted me to come over so that we could be together "in private". OOOOOOOO! That was sooooooo exciting. I was happpppyyyyy!
When I think about us being able to just turn over in bed and start going for it, having a great sexual interlude, and the drift off to sleep in each other's arms. Ohhhhh! How that excites me.
You get the idea.
Very exciting.
So, yeah, I am going to sit on a pillow for a day or two. I am going to be knocked out while in the buff except for a flimsy hospital gown in a room full of strangers. Whatever. I will get over that. This is very much worth it, for you, for me, and for our relationship.
Love,
Me
Thank you for providing a way for me to become sterile. My quiver is full. I do not want to have any more children. Thank you very much for the three beautiful children you have given Ruth and me. They are an amazing blessing. But I don't want any more children. At this point in our lives, they would be a burden. That's for sure. We need to find a way to stop having to worry about birth control. Amen!
MDDL:
Your MEQ today was the way you looked at me and told me that I am the love of your life. That totally touched my heart!
I have to admit that I am a bit nervous about the procedure. The last time I had this, it was not much fun. But I have more confidence in this group of folks than I did in the incompetent hack who did it the last time. I will have a general anesthetic and that's a good thing. They will probably not have to intubate me. I would prefer not to be tubed, if possible. I will have a very small incision and probably only a band aid, maybe with one stitch only.
There will be a bit of pain, but it will be over quickly, and then I will be sterile.
I have to admit that I am really looking forward to being sterile. I don't want to be afraid of having sex with you. I am always hesitant because I want to protect you from becoming pregnant. If you became pregnant at this point, that would be a very bad thing for you, and for our family.
You remember the time recently that we had unprotected sex when you were still on your period a little? I am still worried about that one. I do not want to have to worry anymore. I will sweat it out until you get your period again this month. It was great having sex that time, but not worth it if I worry about you becoming pregnant.
I just want to be able to go for it. When we are together and we have a moment of privacy and the mood hits us. Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! There you have it! Wow!
That would be really really great.
So although I am a bit nervous about having the procedure, my strongest feeling is excitement that we will be able to have completely spontaneous, free, unfettered and unhindered SSSSSEEEEEXXXXXXX!!!!!!!
Yay!
My feeling about this is a 10. It is excitement, and it is decidedly erotic. I have all kinds of fantasies about it. My favorite form of sex is actually intercourse. When I get going, it feels like my penis is going to explode. It is sooooo great! And I know that it is your favorite too! And that is very exciting to me!
So the whole thing is like a bit feedback loop. You like it. I like it. I like it that you like it. And so on and so on.
To compare it to a shared experience it is like the excitement that I felt when we were kissing in Duke Garden. Or when you called me a few days and wanted me to come over so that we could be together "in private". OOOOOOOO! That was sooooooo exciting. I was happpppyyyyy!
When I think about us being able to just turn over in bed and start going for it, having a great sexual interlude, and the drift off to sleep in each other's arms. Ohhhhh! How that excites me.
You get the idea.
Very exciting.
So, yeah, I am going to sit on a pillow for a day or two. I am going to be knocked out while in the buff except for a flimsy hospital gown in a room full of strangers. Whatever. I will get over that. This is very much worth it, for you, for me, and for our relationship.
Love,
Me
Sunday, February 3, 2008
What areas of our lives are most important to you? HDIFAMA?
Dear LORD:
Thank you for our wonderful relationship. Help us to set our priorities correctly in alignment with your priorities. Amen!
MDDL:
Your MEQ today was being so cuddly in the bed this morning and you sweet apology for being naughty yesterday. It means a lot to me that you are willing to be so vulnerable. I love it when you want to cuddle in the bed with me too!
The areas that I feel are most important in our lives are:
The way that I feel about this is filled with hope. I have hope for us, for our daughter, and hope for me to at last experience health again for the first time in many years. My hope for us and our family is a 10. It is like I felt this morning when I woke up having slept so hard and long that my ear was sore on the pillow. I know if I wake up that way that I have slept in one position almost the entire night. That is real, healing sleep, the kind I have not had in many years. Waking up that way on a new day fills me with hope. Seeing the beautiful sky and feeling my skin clearing, and my mind and heart lifting fills me with hope. Seeing you being so sweet and gentle, want to be close, being soft and warm, fills me with hope. Looking at our daughter sitting on the couch with me, talking openly about her life and her heart fills me with hope.
I have hope for us and our family, and for myself. That is my strongest feeling about these areas that are important to me in our lives.
Love,
Me
Thank you for our wonderful relationship. Help us to set our priorities correctly in alignment with your priorities. Amen!
MDDL:
Your MEQ today was being so cuddly in the bed this morning and you sweet apology for being naughty yesterday. It means a lot to me that you are willing to be so vulnerable. I love it when you want to cuddle in the bed with me too!
The areas that I feel are most important in our lives are:
- Maintaining our relationship, including Retrouvaille, dating, spending time together and the like. Romantic stuff, in other words. This is very, very important to me. I cannot begin to tell you how important. It is my heart to be with you and spend time together. Just hanging out like we are doing today is totally fun for me. I think it is also terribly important for us to take time and be together as a couple.
- Our children, especially Jeanae, are pretty important too. Jeanae continues to need a lot of my attention. Last night she talked to me for a long time. I told you about that last night. She is unsure of herself and her place in the world. You and I both provide an important anchor for her. I want to do whatever I can to ease her transition into adulthood. As you pointed out at the ride yesterday, she has had her Job experience. She has suffered enough for one young person.
- Health and wellness are very important to me. I want for us and our family to experience a new oasis of hope in our health. I have been terribly sick in the past few years. I have suffered a lot too, physically. I have been tired, inflamed and itchy. I have been unable to rest. I needed some relief so badly. I would have been totally willing to change my lifestyle if someone had simply told me. As we discussed this morning in the bed, I would like to somehow make a difference in other people's lives in this area. I do not know how that could happen, but as I continue to experience relief and hope I want to share it with others.
The way that I feel about this is filled with hope. I have hope for us, for our daughter, and hope for me to at last experience health again for the first time in many years. My hope for us and our family is a 10. It is like I felt this morning when I woke up having slept so hard and long that my ear was sore on the pillow. I know if I wake up that way that I have slept in one position almost the entire night. That is real, healing sleep, the kind I have not had in many years. Waking up that way on a new day fills me with hope. Seeing the beautiful sky and feeling my skin clearing, and my mind and heart lifting fills me with hope. Seeing you being so sweet and gentle, want to be close, being soft and warm, fills me with hope. Looking at our daughter sitting on the couch with me, talking openly about her life and her heart fills me with hope.
I have hope for us and our family, and for myself. That is my strongest feeling about these areas that are important to me in our lives.
Love,
Me
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