Dear LORD:
Thank you for selling the house in Chapel Hill. Be with us through the process of the closing. Help us to realize as much in revenues as possible from the sale. Let each detail be divinely appointed, like my getting a blower from the repair dudes today. That was great!
Dearest Ruth:
Your MEQ today was being a good handyman. You are great at fixing stuff. I loved working with you.
The way I feel about selling the Chapel Hill is a little sad, but most relieved. I want to get the CA tax burden off of our shoulders. I want to be free of the big financial burden of that mortgage. That was always a weight on my shoulders. I want to get our lives simplified, and the financial obligations reduced. I like the fact that we have cut our housing expense. We will still have plenty of deductions for 2007. We can worry about 2008 when it happens.
So all in all I feel pretty good about selling the house in Chapel Hill. It was a nice house in many ways, but as I pointed out today, it had many negatives as well. It was noisy. The master bedroom was too small. We had contention at many points in our lives because of the way that house was laid out. The yard was a huge money pit. Wow! The money that we spent on that yard! And it never lived up to the potential that we imagined.
Yes, it was in a beautiful place. But our neighbors, with a few exceptions, were eccentric snobs. No one with the exception of Ken and Annie and the Barados ever gave us the time of day there. We will be happier here I suspect. This is a much less upscale, snobbish neighborhood. Yes, we have a doctor living next door. Fine. But she is not a doctor who has pretensions of artistic grandeur and likes to make American Indian war robes out of fast food containers. weird!
That's my best single word for how I feel about Chapel Hill. The place is simply weird. And it makes me feel weirded out. The huge pagan love feast going on in downtown Chapel Hill tonight is a good example. Some weird, non-friendly snobbish people sitting around smoking dope and talking about weird stuff. I am through with that!
I just want to be a regular guy. No pretensions. No weirdness. For a change.
So, I feel pretty good about selling that beast of a house. A little sad. Maybe a little nostalgic at times. But overall, relieved and happy to be free of the burden. It is kind of like the feeling you have when you have graduated from a school that you kind of liked, but which also cost you alot in terms of work and stress, and now you are through. Another chapter in your life in other words. An opportunity to take the next step.
The other thing, like I said tonight, owning a home ties you to the land. It creates a connection to a particular geographic area. When Jeanae graduates from high school, I want to be through with that. I want us to be mobile. We need to be able to make whatever decision we want with respect to where we live, including an country other than the US. And certainly other than the State of North Carolina.
So, overall, I feel relieved. That is my strongest feeling today, especially with respect to the sale of the Chapel Hill house.
Love,
Me
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
What happens when you remember events surrounding our separation? HDIFTYT?
Dear LORD:
Give us grace to continue to dialog. We need this communication tool to remain connected and keep our relationship vital. Amen!
Dearest Ruth:
Your MEQ today was being incredibly good in bed. I have told you this before, but I never get tired of saying it. You are incredibly sexy! Yay!
I feel OK about remembering the events of our separation. I did that in conversations with you several times today. I feel completely comfortable telling you that.
Like I said, I do not allow myself to question the why in many of the things you did when we were going through that time. You did many things then that did not make sense to me. But whatever. Divorce and separation is a form of insanity. It is unreasonable and stupid to expect any kind of logic or rational thinking out of a person at that time in their life.
I was in a very emotional state as well. I did the best I could but undoubtedly made a lot of mistakes. I just want to go on.
I think of our separation as something that had to happen for us to get to the point we are now. We were terrible then, but as bad as that was, that is how good it is now. I treasure everyday with you. I love being with you and the relaxed, comfortable, but incredibly sexy and exciting, relationship that we share at this point.
So, in the matter of sharing about how either of us felt during our separation, I am pretty much OK with that, no matter what. It happened. I am not interested in wallowing in that time. On the other hand, I am not going to avoid it either. We have a lot to live for and look forward to at this point. I love you and treasure you tremendously. I want to spend the rest of my days pampering and spoiling you and our daughter. (Eventually, she will leave home and it will just be you and me. Yay!) I find you soooooo very fun to be with.
It was a tough time, that's all. We went through it, and now it's over. We are together now. We never have to do that again. We just need to keep working on our relationship the way we are now, and that will never happen again.
Like Charlie said, it is a process of working daily around the edges of our differences. We are not the same, and conflict and differences are inevitable. But by fully understanding each other, we become capable of changing and accommodating each other in our marriage. We can do that. We are doing it.
Love,
Me
Give us grace to continue to dialog. We need this communication tool to remain connected and keep our relationship vital. Amen!
Dearest Ruth:
Your MEQ today was being incredibly good in bed. I have told you this before, but I never get tired of saying it. You are incredibly sexy! Yay!
I feel OK about remembering the events of our separation. I did that in conversations with you several times today. I feel completely comfortable telling you that.
Like I said, I do not allow myself to question the why in many of the things you did when we were going through that time. You did many things then that did not make sense to me. But whatever. Divorce and separation is a form of insanity. It is unreasonable and stupid to expect any kind of logic or rational thinking out of a person at that time in their life.
I was in a very emotional state as well. I did the best I could but undoubtedly made a lot of mistakes. I just want to go on.
I think of our separation as something that had to happen for us to get to the point we are now. We were terrible then, but as bad as that was, that is how good it is now. I treasure everyday with you. I love being with you and the relaxed, comfortable, but incredibly sexy and exciting, relationship that we share at this point.
So, in the matter of sharing about how either of us felt during our separation, I am pretty much OK with that, no matter what. It happened. I am not interested in wallowing in that time. On the other hand, I am not going to avoid it either. We have a lot to live for and look forward to at this point. I love you and treasure you tremendously. I want to spend the rest of my days pampering and spoiling you and our daughter. (Eventually, she will leave home and it will just be you and me. Yay!) I find you soooooo very fun to be with.
It was a tough time, that's all. We went through it, and now it's over. We are together now. We never have to do that again. We just need to keep working on our relationship the way we are now, and that will never happen again.
Like Charlie said, it is a process of working daily around the edges of our differences. We are not the same, and conflict and differences are inevitable. But by fully understanding each other, we become capable of changing and accommodating each other in our marriage. We can do that. We are doing it.
Love,
Me
Friday, October 19, 2007
How do I feel about moving this weekend?
Dear LORD:
Please help us to successfully move our household this weekend and take care of all of the things that need to be accomplished in our lives, including the closing, insurance, credit cards, my job, and everything else which is on our shoulders right now. We rest in your grace and trust you with it. Amen!
Dearest Ruth:
Your MEQ today was being willing to pack the house and help us get moved into our new home. You are a trooper!
The way I feel about moving this weekend is stressed and pressured. I feel like we are not prepared. I also feel like I failed you this week by having to be in a two day meeting and not being able to take time off to help you pack.
I don't know how to make this up to you. I feel really badly about this.
I am under such tremendous pressure and stress at work that I do not have the time or energy to devote to moving that I should. This is really bad. I do not want to be failing to support you in this way.
Moving is very stessful, no question. Our home being disrupted. Our lives being shifted to a new location and a new mode. Many changes in everyday lives. Routines becoming unstable.
It just makes me feel crazy. That's kind of how I feel. Edgy and off balance. Like I am not in control as much as I want to be. I also feel bothered and unhappy. Unhappy with myself and unhappy that the timing is coming down the way it is.
We have to move. There you have it. I am responsible for a big part of that. I need to help you. We are in this together. I want to help you in the worst way. I am just strapped out.
I feel like I am making excuses and I hate that. No excuses. We will move and somehow it will happen. Failure is not an option. We have a moving truck coming on Sunday. Come Hell or high water, the Browning family is moving to 811 Kimball Drive in Durham, North Carolina, on Sunday October 21, 2007. Amen!
Part of the problem is that I desperately need exercise. Thank God I made love to you this morning. You were incredible! I got to feel something positive in that moment. The closeness I felt with you as we held each other afterwards was amazing.
Of course, the demands came so quickly. How I wish I could have just lain there in your arms and gone back to sleep. And stayed there in that bed with you for the rest of the day. Or just worked with you on the house. That would have been heaven! I love being with you and spending time with you sooooooo much!
You are my treasure.
I guess my bottom line on how I feel about moving is pressure. That's the strongest feeling by far. It feels like a looming deadline in my job or in school. Some big project that has to be done by a certain time. And I am not ready. Not even close. I don't see how I am possibly going to pull it off. Pressure to perform and be brilliant on demand and on a schedule.
I somehow tend to pull that off. I guess I will this time too. I won't enjoy it though unless God shows up and makes a miracle happen. That was the case when we moved into this house. I was awestruck by the way that went down. God did that before. He can do it again.
Love,
Me
Please help us to successfully move our household this weekend and take care of all of the things that need to be accomplished in our lives, including the closing, insurance, credit cards, my job, and everything else which is on our shoulders right now. We rest in your grace and trust you with it. Amen!
Dearest Ruth:
Your MEQ today was being willing to pack the house and help us get moved into our new home. You are a trooper!
The way I feel about moving this weekend is stressed and pressured. I feel like we are not prepared. I also feel like I failed you this week by having to be in a two day meeting and not being able to take time off to help you pack.
I don't know how to make this up to you. I feel really badly about this.
I am under such tremendous pressure and stress at work that I do not have the time or energy to devote to moving that I should. This is really bad. I do not want to be failing to support you in this way.
Moving is very stessful, no question. Our home being disrupted. Our lives being shifted to a new location and a new mode. Many changes in everyday lives. Routines becoming unstable.
It just makes me feel crazy. That's kind of how I feel. Edgy and off balance. Like I am not in control as much as I want to be. I also feel bothered and unhappy. Unhappy with myself and unhappy that the timing is coming down the way it is.
We have to move. There you have it. I am responsible for a big part of that. I need to help you. We are in this together. I want to help you in the worst way. I am just strapped out.
I feel like I am making excuses and I hate that. No excuses. We will move and somehow it will happen. Failure is not an option. We have a moving truck coming on Sunday. Come Hell or high water, the Browning family is moving to 811 Kimball Drive in Durham, North Carolina, on Sunday October 21, 2007. Amen!
Part of the problem is that I desperately need exercise. Thank God I made love to you this morning. You were incredible! I got to feel something positive in that moment. The closeness I felt with you as we held each other afterwards was amazing.
Of course, the demands came so quickly. How I wish I could have just lain there in your arms and gone back to sleep. And stayed there in that bed with you for the rest of the day. Or just worked with you on the house. That would have been heaven! I love being with you and spending time with you sooooooo much!
You are my treasure.
I guess my bottom line on how I feel about moving is pressure. That's the strongest feeling by far. It feels like a looming deadline in my job or in school. Some big project that has to be done by a certain time. And I am not ready. Not even close. I don't see how I am possibly going to pull it off. Pressure to perform and be brilliant on demand and on a schedule.
I somehow tend to pull that off. I guess I will this time too. I won't enjoy it though unless God shows up and makes a miracle happen. That was the case when we moved into this house. I was awestruck by the way that went down. God did that before. He can do it again.
Love,
Me
Thursday, October 18, 2007
How do I feel about starting a new career?
Dear LORD:
Please help me find a less stressful way to make a living. Amen!
Dearest Ruth:
Your MEQ today was being willing to defer to me in the area of our children. I need to be the parent / head of the family as badly as you need for me to do that. You are meeting my need in that area of my life beautifully!
I desperately want to find a way to make a living that is less stressful and demanding on my time. The EMC job is killing me. I am getting sicker and sicker the longer I am there.
Admittedly, I have a great level of freedom during the non-crunch time. But the crunch time is very tough. This will last until after OOW. That seems like forever to me right now. After that, things will get better.
I guess part of the problem is that things all came down on me at the same time. I feel funny leaving you holding the bag on packing up our home this last 2 days. I really want to be here with you. I will be here as much as possible tomorrow. I need to accomplish 3 things: 1. file my expense reports; 2. Finish the CLARiiON resiliency testing; 3. Buy my offshore team some gifts to reward them for their incredible level of output over the past few months. Once I take care of that, I will get here as soon as possible.
How I feel about my career choice at this point is complex. I am tired. I am a bit stressed out. I am kind of desperate. When I consider leaving IT and doing something simpler and easier, I feel these feelings subside a bit. I feel relief. I feel peaceful. I feel relaxed.
My strongest feeling is relief. It is a 10, especially if I can fully imagine being out of IT and on to a new less stressful occupation. Kind of like the Rolaids commercial: How do you spell Rolaids? R-E-L-I-E-F.
The best example I can think of to describe this feeling is like taking a really good dump. That's a gross and crude example, but very descriptive and accurate. You feel the need to go. You go. Relief, pure and simple. Very nice!
I don't yet understand or know fully what form this new occupation will take. I want to do that. I need to spend some time figuring this out. I am addicted to my job right now, in that it is giving us a way to live, and that requires so much of my time. Once I am out of crunch mode, I am going to spend a lot of time making a concerted effort to figure out another way to earn a living.
I am also going to continue to pray earnestly, long and hard for a solution to this issue. I want this more than you know. I have become very tired and unhappy at EMC. It is grinding me down, and that is not good at all.
Please continue to pray for me in this area. I desperately need and want your prayers for this. You are more important to me in that area than you can possibly imagine.
I love the process of dialoging with you, and I think it is really cool how we are doing this now. I like to read our dialogs later and digest them. Plus, we will have a permanent record of this for a long time to come! And other couples can read our dialogs (assuming we tell them how to do so) and benefit from our experience. Exciting, don't you think?
Love,
Me
Please help me find a less stressful way to make a living. Amen!
Dearest Ruth:
Your MEQ today was being willing to defer to me in the area of our children. I need to be the parent / head of the family as badly as you need for me to do that. You are meeting my need in that area of my life beautifully!
I desperately want to find a way to make a living that is less stressful and demanding on my time. The EMC job is killing me. I am getting sicker and sicker the longer I am there.
Admittedly, I have a great level of freedom during the non-crunch time. But the crunch time is very tough. This will last until after OOW. That seems like forever to me right now. After that, things will get better.
I guess part of the problem is that things all came down on me at the same time. I feel funny leaving you holding the bag on packing up our home this last 2 days. I really want to be here with you. I will be here as much as possible tomorrow. I need to accomplish 3 things: 1. file my expense reports; 2. Finish the CLARiiON resiliency testing; 3. Buy my offshore team some gifts to reward them for their incredible level of output over the past few months. Once I take care of that, I will get here as soon as possible.
How I feel about my career choice at this point is complex. I am tired. I am a bit stressed out. I am kind of desperate. When I consider leaving IT and doing something simpler and easier, I feel these feelings subside a bit. I feel relief. I feel peaceful. I feel relaxed.
My strongest feeling is relief. It is a 10, especially if I can fully imagine being out of IT and on to a new less stressful occupation. Kind of like the Rolaids commercial: How do you spell Rolaids? R-E-L-I-E-F.
The best example I can think of to describe this feeling is like taking a really good dump. That's a gross and crude example, but very descriptive and accurate. You feel the need to go. You go. Relief, pure and simple. Very nice!
I don't yet understand or know fully what form this new occupation will take. I want to do that. I need to spend some time figuring this out. I am addicted to my job right now, in that it is giving us a way to live, and that requires so much of my time. Once I am out of crunch mode, I am going to spend a lot of time making a concerted effort to figure out another way to earn a living.
I am also going to continue to pray earnestly, long and hard for a solution to this issue. I want this more than you know. I have become very tired and unhappy at EMC. It is grinding me down, and that is not good at all.
Please continue to pray for me in this area. I desperately need and want your prayers for this. You are more important to me in that area than you can possibly imagine.
I love the process of dialoging with you, and I think it is really cool how we are doing this now. I like to read our dialogs later and digest them. Plus, we will have a permanent record of this for a long time to come! And other couples can read our dialogs (assuming we tell them how to do so) and benefit from our experience. Exciting, don't you think?
Love,
Me
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
How do I want to live my life? HDIFAMA?
Dear LORD:
Thank you for my beautiful and loving wife and daughter. Let us become entranced by your transforming life. Amen!
Dearest Ruth:
Your MEQ today was that you were glad to see me when I came home. Your smile was warm and inviting. I love you!
The way that I want to live my life is as a part of a loving community that includes you and our daughter. I am terribly lonely and longing for community and a sense of belonging. I feel very isolated and cut off from the rest of humanity.
I also want to live in a state of continuous transparency and intimacy with you as my wife, and with Jeanae as our daughter, as well as with other members of this community.
I want there to be total freedom in the community, though. I do not want to be controlled or dictated to in any way. I want us to submit to one another in love, and to esteem each other higher than ourselves.
I am so ready for this kind of humbling, simple life.
I want to move away from a life filled with complexity and demands. I want less stress, and fewer demands. Less income in exchange is fine with me. I am no longer impressed by money. I have been wealthy and that mostly just stressed me out. I would not turn away great wealth at this point, but I would pray to God earnestly for wisdom to handle it better than I did the last time. I was sooooo foolish. I want to be like the millionaire next door who lives a simple life in a simple house with an old beat up car and a yard that needs to be mowed. In other words, not a big deal rich guy who drives a fancy car and has fancy stuff. I want to be more of a normal sort of guy than I am now.
I want to be loved and respected for more humble, simple qualities than I am now esteemed for. I am tired of being a big deal IT guy. I just want to be someone simple and normal. I do not want to be seen as being brilliant or special. Why can't people just see me as being like them? I have been cut off from so many relationships by the masks that I wear in that way.
I guess the single word that I would use for this is simple. I want to live a simple life. Another word is community. I want to know people and be involved with them in their daily lives in a way that affects them deeply. And I want to be in a side-by-side equal relationship with them, not one in which I am somehow perceived by them as being superior to them either by making a lot of money, or having a lot of brains.
Simple. Community. Yeah. Like that.
The way I feel about this is relieved. I am glad that I have come to this point. It feels like you feel after eating a big heavy meal which leaves you very uncomfortable, and you finally burp. Then you feel much better! I feel that my life has taken the form of that big heavy meal. I want to be lighter and less filling from now on.
Another way would be like having a big tax bill or other obligation off your shoulders. My life has been kind of like that. A big heavy burden I have had to bear. Not you or Jeanae, I would never regard you or Jeanae as a burden at all. Please do not misunderstand me. I mean the notion that I am some kind of big deal IT guy with lots of money and a nice car. I am so tired of that. It just feels like a burden to me now. I want to be lighter and less heavy in that area as well as what I eat.
Maybe there is a way that we can be OK together with me as a simple, regular guy, not some body special. What do you think?
My feeling of relief is kind of tentative, since I don't really know what this will end up looking like yet. But it's growing. Right now, it's about as 2 or 3. I think it could become a 10 if I could get unhooked from IT, find another way to make a living, cut our living costs, and so forth. And then just live with you and Jeanae (or if she wanted to leave and start a family of her own I would be OK with that), and we could spend more time together, with less stress and demands on my time.
I would like to be free to travel with you and for us to have fun together. When you and I are together, that's the most fun I have in my whole life. As well as being together with our daughter, which is just as special too. The best, I guess, is when all three of us are together, like last night when we had dinner as a family. That was such a simple, relaxed time.
You are waiting for me, and you just made this very plaintiff sigh, so I guess I had better stop now.
Love,
Me
Thank you for my beautiful and loving wife and daughter. Let us become entranced by your transforming life. Amen!
Dearest Ruth:
Your MEQ today was that you were glad to see me when I came home. Your smile was warm and inviting. I love you!
The way that I want to live my life is as a part of a loving community that includes you and our daughter. I am terribly lonely and longing for community and a sense of belonging. I feel very isolated and cut off from the rest of humanity.
I also want to live in a state of continuous transparency and intimacy with you as my wife, and with Jeanae as our daughter, as well as with other members of this community.
I want there to be total freedom in the community, though. I do not want to be controlled or dictated to in any way. I want us to submit to one another in love, and to esteem each other higher than ourselves.
I am so ready for this kind of humbling, simple life.
I want to move away from a life filled with complexity and demands. I want less stress, and fewer demands. Less income in exchange is fine with me. I am no longer impressed by money. I have been wealthy and that mostly just stressed me out. I would not turn away great wealth at this point, but I would pray to God earnestly for wisdom to handle it better than I did the last time. I was sooooo foolish. I want to be like the millionaire next door who lives a simple life in a simple house with an old beat up car and a yard that needs to be mowed. In other words, not a big deal rich guy who drives a fancy car and has fancy stuff. I want to be more of a normal sort of guy than I am now.
I want to be loved and respected for more humble, simple qualities than I am now esteemed for. I am tired of being a big deal IT guy. I just want to be someone simple and normal. I do not want to be seen as being brilliant or special. Why can't people just see me as being like them? I have been cut off from so many relationships by the masks that I wear in that way.
I guess the single word that I would use for this is simple. I want to live a simple life. Another word is community. I want to know people and be involved with them in their daily lives in a way that affects them deeply. And I want to be in a side-by-side equal relationship with them, not one in which I am somehow perceived by them as being superior to them either by making a lot of money, or having a lot of brains.
Simple. Community. Yeah. Like that.
The way I feel about this is relieved. I am glad that I have come to this point. It feels like you feel after eating a big heavy meal which leaves you very uncomfortable, and you finally burp. Then you feel much better! I feel that my life has taken the form of that big heavy meal. I want to be lighter and less filling from now on.
Another way would be like having a big tax bill or other obligation off your shoulders. My life has been kind of like that. A big heavy burden I have had to bear. Not you or Jeanae, I would never regard you or Jeanae as a burden at all. Please do not misunderstand me. I mean the notion that I am some kind of big deal IT guy with lots of money and a nice car. I am so tired of that. It just feels like a burden to me now. I want to be lighter and less heavy in that area as well as what I eat.
Maybe there is a way that we can be OK together with me as a simple, regular guy, not some body special. What do you think?
My feeling of relief is kind of tentative, since I don't really know what this will end up looking like yet. But it's growing. Right now, it's about as 2 or 3. I think it could become a 10 if I could get unhooked from IT, find another way to make a living, cut our living costs, and so forth. And then just live with you and Jeanae (or if she wanted to leave and start a family of her own I would be OK with that), and we could spend more time together, with less stress and demands on my time.
I would like to be free to travel with you and for us to have fun together. When you and I are together, that's the most fun I have in my whole life. As well as being together with our daughter, which is just as special too. The best, I guess, is when all three of us are together, like last night when we had dinner as a family. That was such a simple, relaxed time.
You are waiting for me, and you just made this very plaintiff sigh, so I guess I had better stop now.
Love,
Me
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Question: How do I feel about starting our new life together
Dear LORD: Help Ruth and I start a beautiful new life together, and continue to walk in love and forgiveness for each other. Amen!
Dearest Ruth:
Your MEQ today was that you wanted to have dinner as a family, and you appreciated what I made for dinner. I loved being with you and sharing the time with you and Jeanae. You are incredibly precious to me!
My feelings about starting our new life together includes hopeful, joyous, caring, loving, cherishing, and excited. My strongest feeling is that I am excited.
We need a new beginning together. We have walked through so much Hell in this world, and we deserve a breath of fresh air. We need to simplify our lives and drop much of the unneeded baggage of belongings and lifestyle. I really want us to do this.
I feel light-hearted as well. It's kind of playful. It feels like I am young again. Like we are starting fresh and new, without the heaviness of the past. It is a light feeling, like a weight has been removed.
In terms of being excited, it is like the feeling that I have when I drive a really fast car, or maybe go down a steep hill on my bike. With the wind whipping through my hair, and stuff flying by. Really exciting! It feels a little scary, but in a nice way.
Or maybe it's like when I climbed the Sky Tower in Auckland and I stood on a narrow platform with a grate floor about 500 meters (1500 feet) above the ground. I could see for miles! Also, the wind was blowing hard, and it was cold. But the view was incredible! You felt like you could just fly off the thing, you were so high up. Wonderful!
In terms of playfulness, remember when I used to reach down with the kids when they were small. I would grab them by the waist, and rotate them up onto my shoulder so that their hips were sitting on top of my shoulder, and they were upside down with their arms hanging down in front of me. Then I would tickle their tummy, and play with them up there like that. They got to where they would stay up there forever. They loved it! It was very playful. This feels like this. Just lighthearted playfulness. It feels wonderful!
I am also filled with wonder and awe that we have come this far and that we are continuing to do this together. You are amazing to me. As I told you recently, if we had to go through the really bad time to get to this point where we are so close, it was worth. I would not choose to do it again, of course, but I am very glad that we have gotten to the point where we communicate as well as we do. I really love and cherish the amazing communication we have together.
You are and will always be the love of my life. I don't know what I would do without you. I really love you and cherish you always. I need to be with you and to hold you close. You are not only my wife and my lover, you are also my best friend. I feel like I could talk to you about anything. You are so caring and loving to me now. I want to be the best husband I can be for you!
Let me know what you think of this way of dialogue. It is really fun, I think. Anyway, you don't have to worry about my handwriting.
With great love, and hope for all our tomorrows,
Jeff
Dearest Ruth:
Your MEQ today was that you wanted to have dinner as a family, and you appreciated what I made for dinner. I loved being with you and sharing the time with you and Jeanae. You are incredibly precious to me!
My feelings about starting our new life together includes hopeful, joyous, caring, loving, cherishing, and excited. My strongest feeling is that I am excited.
We need a new beginning together. We have walked through so much Hell in this world, and we deserve a breath of fresh air. We need to simplify our lives and drop much of the unneeded baggage of belongings and lifestyle. I really want us to do this.
I feel light-hearted as well. It's kind of playful. It feels like I am young again. Like we are starting fresh and new, without the heaviness of the past. It is a light feeling, like a weight has been removed.
In terms of being excited, it is like the feeling that I have when I drive a really fast car, or maybe go down a steep hill on my bike. With the wind whipping through my hair, and stuff flying by. Really exciting! It feels a little scary, but in a nice way.
Or maybe it's like when I climbed the Sky Tower in Auckland and I stood on a narrow platform with a grate floor about 500 meters (1500 feet) above the ground. I could see for miles! Also, the wind was blowing hard, and it was cold. But the view was incredible! You felt like you could just fly off the thing, you were so high up. Wonderful!
In terms of playfulness, remember when I used to reach down with the kids when they were small. I would grab them by the waist, and rotate them up onto my shoulder so that their hips were sitting on top of my shoulder, and they were upside down with their arms hanging down in front of me. Then I would tickle their tummy, and play with them up there like that. They got to where they would stay up there forever. They loved it! It was very playful. This feels like this. Just lighthearted playfulness. It feels wonderful!
I am also filled with wonder and awe that we have come this far and that we are continuing to do this together. You are amazing to me. As I told you recently, if we had to go through the really bad time to get to this point where we are so close, it was worth. I would not choose to do it again, of course, but I am very glad that we have gotten to the point where we communicate as well as we do. I really love and cherish the amazing communication we have together.
You are and will always be the love of my life. I don't know what I would do without you. I really love you and cherish you always. I need to be with you and to hold you close. You are not only my wife and my lover, you are also my best friend. I feel like I could talk to you about anything. You are so caring and loving to me now. I want to be the best husband I can be for you!
Let me know what you think of this way of dialogue. It is really fun, I think. Anyway, you don't have to worry about my handwriting.
With great love, and hope for all our tomorrows,
Jeff
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