Dear LORD:
You word says that you justify the saints and that we should not avenge ourselves. Be my justification. Let me release and forgive all of the injustice of the world.
MDDL:
Your MEQ this morning was wanting to just hang out with me and be together instead of going to the meeting. I really like that idea, now that I have gotten used to it. Another lazy, relaxed day of just being together. Wow!
My past reactions to injustice have driven much of the misery of my life. Let's see: Start with my father and his insanity towards my mother, my sister, my brother and me. Practically from when I could remember, his life and its dysfunction stretch a long shadow over my heart. It has taken years for me to come to grips with with that. Even in the hypnotherapy sessions that I have had, I have been able to forgive my mother, but never my father. The difference is that I can understand my mother and her motivation in what she did. My father seems morally reprehensible to me. That should not matter. I should be able to forgive him anyway, but there is a place in my heart where I still harbor anger, bitterness, and rage against him.
As you know, the single most painful moment of my life was when my father looked up to me from his hospital bed and said the words "I believe." At that moment, I knew that God had forgiven him, when I could not. If I had been the judge of the universe, I would have cast my father into Hell. Instead the real Judge chose to welcome him into paradise.
We spent the remaining weeks of his life going out onto the parking lot during the day where the camper was parked, and singing songs like Amazing Grace while my father wept bitterly, undoubtedly greiving over his wasted life and the choices he made. The most bitter and painful memory was undoubtedly the death of my sister, of which he was the cause. He of any of the family members could have done something about her situation and could have been there for her when she needed him. He chose not to do that, giving her the gun instead with which she shot herself.
I have begun, through Eckart Tolle's work, to understand that the part of my father that was at work was his insanity, his ego. He was a very egoic person, certainly one of the most dysfunctional and insane people I have ever known.
A typical example of his insanity would be the scene from one of the Star Trek movies where all of the crew members have joined with an emotional Vulcan named Sybok who is Spock's brother. Sybok brings them to a place of enlightenment where they surrender their pain to him, and come to a state of total peace. When Kirk is offered this choice, he refuses. He says: "No, I like my pain. It defines me. It makes me who I am. I need my pain."
That has been my father. That has also been me, in the image of my father. I also related to Kirk in this way, knowing that my father clung to his pain, feeling that it defined him. His motto was: "You've never lived until you've almost died." He tried to create near-death crises whenever possible. He lived for the thrill, a true adrenaline junky. He always wanted to escape from the snares of death by the skin of his teeth. Only by doing this did he feel truly alive.
This was much of the cause of the havoc he created in our lives, a great injustice and one of the tragedies of my life. All of the injustices that I have experienced as an adult pale in comparison to the great injustice of my childhood and the knowledge that I was defenseless against the manipulation of a truly insane man.
Be that as it may, I must come to a place of peace with this. My ego still rails against it. But my spirit knows that I am a sinner too, no more deserving of peace or love than Howard J. Browning. It is only in the ego, by comparing and contrasting my life to that of my father, that I am allowed to justify myself. When I look at things truly, knowing that my father and I are ultimately exactly the same, then I can forgive. We both end up in exactly the same place: Rotting corpses, followed by dust, followed by nothing at all. Only our spirit, the spark of the divine given to us by God, endures. The egoic structures with all of its rationalization and justification and manipulations, rots away with the rest of it.
That means that I will see my father once again. He will undoubtedly weep with profound grief at all of the pain and suffering he inflicted upon my mother, my sister, my brother, and me. He will see, as he probably did at the end of his life, that his actions were terribly evil. He will know that he was truly an instrument of Satan in this world. And I will be able to look him deep into those flinty blue eyes and love him once again, as I did when I was a small child, innocent of anything, simply basking in the light of my father's love.
The feeling that I have as I write this is one of profound sadness. I feel terribly, terribly sad knowing that my father's life was wasted and what an amazing life he could have had, had he simply awoken earlier than he did. I also feel terribly sorry for him. The sadness I feel is very strong. It is like the sadness of a child who has just lost a treasured pet, one that was a dear, dear friend to him. I have felt that feeling, such as when Sean, my first dog, died when I was 12. For years after that I never wanted to have another dog because the sadness I felt was so strong. Even after that, if I ever wanted to lose an erection, I simply had to think of Sean and I would become sad. The feeling is like that. I deep, deep wound of sadness over the injustice of my life and the wasted life of my father, who I probably loved as much as anyone I have ever known in my life, but who hurt me more profoundly than anyone as well.
The color is black, jet inky black. A darkness you cannot see through. Absolute total black.
In terms of a shared experience, it is difficult to think of anything that we have ever gone through that measures up. I suppose the best example would be the year of Hell we went through when my father, your father, and then my mother all died. That year is like a deep, black hole of sadness in my memory. I remember nothing of joy during that time. It was simply too painful.
Know always that I love you.
Love,
Me
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Sunday, June 1, 2008
Sunday, April 20, 2008
How did you feel about not being able to connect with each other after returning from Boston? HDIFAMA?
Dear LORD:
Thank you that Ruth and I are dialogging today. I have missed this aspect of our relationship that has become very important to me. We need to make this a priority. It is so important. Please gift us with the grace to do that.
MDDL:
Your MEQ today has been the way you have been using your "thank yous", "your welcomes", "I'm sorries", and "excuse mes". This has been a very noticeable change in your previous way of communicating. I think the negative example of Brenda is having an impact in your life. It makes my ears smile! I love our little sweetnesses together when this happens.
The way I felt about not being able to connect with each other after my return from Boston this Wednesday night was disconnected. I guess that goes without saying, but I cannot think of a better way to describe it. I felt disconnected from you. We worked through a very stressful conflict while I was in Boston (the miscommunication about my not responding immediately to your call on my cell phone), and eventually by telling you what was happening with me emotionally, we were able to connect on that one. However, the exchange (and the whole situation of Jeanae's participation in the play), was extremely stressful and emotional for both of us. Then all the work that we have had to do to get Jeanae's application to NCSA has been like another part time job for both of us.
I spent several hours on Friday and Saturday working on this. It's like it is sucking up all of our spare time.
Eventually, this will be over. Thank God. I am tired.
Then of course there was our mild conflict yesterday which we were eventually able to work through. Also somewhat stressful on both of us. I did enjoy the way you came back to me, though.
I need to be closely and intimately connected with you. That simply has not happened this week until now. Except for perhaps a few isolated moments (like when I connected with you about my emotional state while I was in Boston over the issue of Jeanae and the play). But when I travel, and when we are dealing with issues like Jeanae's education, frequently our relationship gets pushed onto the back burner.
That cannot happen any more. We need to make this a priority. We need to keep dialogging, connecting emotionally, and staying intimate and connected.
The way I feel about my answer is encouraged. I am glad that we are taking the time right now to be connected, to relate to each other emotionally, and to understand each other at the heart level. This is what I want with all my heart, and I am so glad that you are open to me in this way.
My feeling of encouragement is definitely a 10. I would describe it as like the color forest green, full of life and promise. It is like when you are on a hike in a beautiful forest, and you are coming close to the end of the trail. You are tired, but you realize that you are almost there, and you become very encouraged and energized to make a strong finish.
In terms of a shared experience, it is like the feeling of encouragement that I felt when you took the initiative to look for a job and landed it. That was amazing to me! I was so proud of you! You are an amazing, wonderful woman!
Know that I love you deeply and truly, that you are the only woman in the whole wide world that I will ever love, and that you are my heart.
Love,
Me
Thank you that Ruth and I are dialogging today. I have missed this aspect of our relationship that has become very important to me. We need to make this a priority. It is so important. Please gift us with the grace to do that.
MDDL:
Your MEQ today has been the way you have been using your "thank yous", "your welcomes", "I'm sorries", and "excuse mes". This has been a very noticeable change in your previous way of communicating. I think the negative example of Brenda is having an impact in your life. It makes my ears smile! I love our little sweetnesses together when this happens.
The way I felt about not being able to connect with each other after my return from Boston this Wednesday night was disconnected. I guess that goes without saying, but I cannot think of a better way to describe it. I felt disconnected from you. We worked through a very stressful conflict while I was in Boston (the miscommunication about my not responding immediately to your call on my cell phone), and eventually by telling you what was happening with me emotionally, we were able to connect on that one. However, the exchange (and the whole situation of Jeanae's participation in the play), was extremely stressful and emotional for both of us. Then all the work that we have had to do to get Jeanae's application to NCSA has been like another part time job for both of us.
I spent several hours on Friday and Saturday working on this. It's like it is sucking up all of our spare time.
Eventually, this will be over. Thank God. I am tired.
Then of course there was our mild conflict yesterday which we were eventually able to work through. Also somewhat stressful on both of us. I did enjoy the way you came back to me, though.
I need to be closely and intimately connected with you. That simply has not happened this week until now. Except for perhaps a few isolated moments (like when I connected with you about my emotional state while I was in Boston over the issue of Jeanae and the play). But when I travel, and when we are dealing with issues like Jeanae's education, frequently our relationship gets pushed onto the back burner.
That cannot happen any more. We need to make this a priority. We need to keep dialogging, connecting emotionally, and staying intimate and connected.
The way I feel about my answer is encouraged. I am glad that we are taking the time right now to be connected, to relate to each other emotionally, and to understand each other at the heart level. This is what I want with all my heart, and I am so glad that you are open to me in this way.
My feeling of encouragement is definitely a 10. I would describe it as like the color forest green, full of life and promise. It is like when you are on a hike in a beautiful forest, and you are coming close to the end of the trail. You are tired, but you realize that you are almost there, and you become very encouraged and energized to make a strong finish.
In terms of a shared experience, it is like the feeling of encouragement that I felt when you took the initiative to look for a job and landed it. That was amazing to me! I was so proud of you! You are an amazing, wonderful woman!
Know that I love you deeply and truly, that you are the only woman in the whole wide world that I will ever love, and that you are my heart.
Love,
Me
Sunday, March 30, 2008
HDIF about possibly relocating to the West Coast. DYFF.
Dear LORD:
Thank you so much for my wonderful sweetheart. How I love her! She is my best friend and the love of my life! You have given me such a good thing! Amen.
MDDL:
Your MEQ today was the wonderful, sexy kisses we shared in the bathroom and in the kitchen. You turn me on!
The way I feel about relocating back to the West Coast is nostalgic. I remember the West Coast fondly in many respects, and every time I return to that part of the country, I think about all of the aspects of that region that I miss. The wonderful weather. The beautiful hills and mountains. The ocean. The incredible food. The abundance of wonderful produce. The ethnic diversity. The intellectual and creative fervor of that place. The vibrant job market.
OK, let's be honest. There are also lots and lots of things about California that suck. The high real estate prices (although they have come way, way down recently). The high taxes (although we would finally be able to recoup our altmin credits). The traffic (although I find it very refreshing to drive there because the drivers are so predictable and intelligent).
There are a few other issues as well. The state of California is in the midst of a 47 billion dollar budget shortfall, as a result of the real estate meltdown. That's going to put a lot of pressure on the institutions in the region, especially public education. We will need to consider carefully our move in that direction and its effect on Jeanae. I like your idea of hanging around NC for another couple of years while Jeanae finishes high school and simply making frequent trips out there (with you in tow since you will be freed up from your responsibility for our daughter).
The issue of her education is pretty important right now. If she gets into NCSOTA, then we are golden in NC, should stay here and let her finish, and then consider our options after her senior year. If not, then we are pretty well out of options in NC, and we should strongly consider letting Scalent relocate us and figure out the options in terms of education in California.
We have little time to do this. The summer looms. I need to court Scalent and figure out how much they are willing to pay, whether they will buy out the 401K loan, and so forth. As I said before, they desperately need me. But I will need to reel them in.
Anyway, getting back to my feelings, I will readily admit that I miss CA and am nostalgic about it. That's the strongest feeling. It's not that strong, but pretty strong, maybe a 7 or 8. It can peak up to close to 10 at times when I am out there and driving around in all of the old familiar places we used to go when we lived there.
In terms of a shared experience, I suppose it would be like when we went back to Alaska for the Nancy Lake retreat and hung out with the Saints, went to a lot of our old haunts, saw the Chugach range again, climbed Flattop and the like. That was very nostalgic for me, and no doubt for you as well. California is like Alaska in many respects, and yet very unlike as well. Alaska has a pioneer mentality. No guard rails. California has nothing but guard rails. But people in California are very intelligent and well educated. So they have a significantly different attitude from a place like NC or Texas where people are more ignorant and bigoted. Most people in California have a fairly global perspective which I find quite refreshing. As you recall, when we would go to the meeting, there would be at least four or five different countries represented there, including China and/or Taiwan, Korea, Mexico, the US, and the like. This is very refreshing to me. I have been a world traveler all of my life. Being around people like Daren and Derrick (who had never been outside of the US until they went to Cork earlier this month) is stifling.
So, nostalgic. I miss CA. I would like to live there again, and make something out of that part of the world. If you agree, then I would find that agreeable. If not, I will certainly either stay with you here or go with you to the ends of the earth.
Ultimately as long as the two of us are together and OK, then the rest of the world can go to Hell as far as I am concerned. Forgive me, but there you have it.
Love,
Me
Thank you so much for my wonderful sweetheart. How I love her! She is my best friend and the love of my life! You have given me such a good thing! Amen.
MDDL:
Your MEQ today was the wonderful, sexy kisses we shared in the bathroom and in the kitchen. You turn me on!
The way I feel about relocating back to the West Coast is nostalgic. I remember the West Coast fondly in many respects, and every time I return to that part of the country, I think about all of the aspects of that region that I miss. The wonderful weather. The beautiful hills and mountains. The ocean. The incredible food. The abundance of wonderful produce. The ethnic diversity. The intellectual and creative fervor of that place. The vibrant job market.
OK, let's be honest. There are also lots and lots of things about California that suck. The high real estate prices (although they have come way, way down recently). The high taxes (although we would finally be able to recoup our altmin credits). The traffic (although I find it very refreshing to drive there because the drivers are so predictable and intelligent).
There are a few other issues as well. The state of California is in the midst of a 47 billion dollar budget shortfall, as a result of the real estate meltdown. That's going to put a lot of pressure on the institutions in the region, especially public education. We will need to consider carefully our move in that direction and its effect on Jeanae. I like your idea of hanging around NC for another couple of years while Jeanae finishes high school and simply making frequent trips out there (with you in tow since you will be freed up from your responsibility for our daughter).
The issue of her education is pretty important right now. If she gets into NCSOTA, then we are golden in NC, should stay here and let her finish, and then consider our options after her senior year. If not, then we are pretty well out of options in NC, and we should strongly consider letting Scalent relocate us and figure out the options in terms of education in California.
We have little time to do this. The summer looms. I need to court Scalent and figure out how much they are willing to pay, whether they will buy out the 401K loan, and so forth. As I said before, they desperately need me. But I will need to reel them in.
Anyway, getting back to my feelings, I will readily admit that I miss CA and am nostalgic about it. That's the strongest feeling. It's not that strong, but pretty strong, maybe a 7 or 8. It can peak up to close to 10 at times when I am out there and driving around in all of the old familiar places we used to go when we lived there.
In terms of a shared experience, I suppose it would be like when we went back to Alaska for the Nancy Lake retreat and hung out with the Saints, went to a lot of our old haunts, saw the Chugach range again, climbed Flattop and the like. That was very nostalgic for me, and no doubt for you as well. California is like Alaska in many respects, and yet very unlike as well. Alaska has a pioneer mentality. No guard rails. California has nothing but guard rails. But people in California are very intelligent and well educated. So they have a significantly different attitude from a place like NC or Texas where people are more ignorant and bigoted. Most people in California have a fairly global perspective which I find quite refreshing. As you recall, when we would go to the meeting, there would be at least four or five different countries represented there, including China and/or Taiwan, Korea, Mexico, the US, and the like. This is very refreshing to me. I have been a world traveler all of my life. Being around people like Daren and Derrick (who had never been outside of the US until they went to Cork earlier this month) is stifling.
So, nostalgic. I miss CA. I would like to live there again, and make something out of that part of the world. If you agree, then I would find that agreeable. If not, I will certainly either stay with you here or go with you to the ends of the earth.
Ultimately as long as the two of us are together and OK, then the rest of the world can go to Hell as far as I am concerned. Forgive me, but there you have it.
Love,
Me
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Describe how you feel regarding our discussion about being addicted to chaos and crisis. DYFF
Dear LORD:
Help me to escape from the trap of addiction to chaos and crisis. Thank you for my loving wife who is willing to help me to become self-aware in this area. Thank you for bringing yoga into our life which helps so much with self discovery as well. Amen!
MDDL:
Your MEQ today was making us a smoothie while I was on my con call. It was delicious. I have dedicated the rest of today to doing nothing but being with you, connecting emotionally, and making you as happy as I possibly can.
The way I feel about our discussion about being addicted to chaos and crisis is enlightened.
The situation with Nella is typical. I have lived with a sword of Damocles over my head for the past decade. Always in fear that she was going to surface again, doing exactly what she is doing right now: Demanding money. Aside from the money issue, it's just bullshit. It's not a way to live. I am in continual fear, uncertainty and doubt about where I stand and what is going to happen to our family.
I want this to end. I am in the process of doing something about that.
The other issue that is similar is our marriage. I spent years in continual agony, wondering if you were going to leave me, doing everything in my power to prevent that. In the process, I simply wore myself out. Chaos addiction. Why not simply face the issue, instead of trying to band-aid over it?
Another issue is our children. The way I have lived my life is trying to referee a set of conflicts, keeping everyone happy and content, not fighting, not at each other's throat. In the process, everything simply gets swept under the rug. Not a way to live. Why not face the issues that are causing the conflicts to begin with? Because you are addicted to chaos, that's why! I am so tired of doing that!
Finances as well. Not paying bills. Waiting until bill collectors call, making you angry and stressed out in the process. Chaos addiction! Not a way to live!
At this point, I am not interested in being addicted to chaos. I want to face and resolve all of these issues, not hide from them. No more temporizing. No more buying time, waiting for another day. Simply face things head on, deal with them, and go on with your life.
It is like the enlightenment that I felt at the Retrouvaille POST session where they talked about communication, and I realized I was either in the "not good" or "poor" category much of the time. (And a lot of that had to do with chaos addiction as well!) You know, you really don't feel that way. That's not a good way to feel. Let me help you feel better, and the like. All band-aid approaches to life. Why not just own the feeling, accept it as real, and then deal with the cause? Instead of trying to talk you out of it!
My feeling of enlightenment is a definite 10. It is a moment of transformation. I want to deal with the issues of life, not just hide from them. That's my plan.
Love,
Me
Help me to escape from the trap of addiction to chaos and crisis. Thank you for my loving wife who is willing to help me to become self-aware in this area. Thank you for bringing yoga into our life which helps so much with self discovery as well. Amen!
MDDL:
Your MEQ today was making us a smoothie while I was on my con call. It was delicious. I have dedicated the rest of today to doing nothing but being with you, connecting emotionally, and making you as happy as I possibly can.
The way I feel about our discussion about being addicted to chaos and crisis is enlightened.
The situation with Nella is typical. I have lived with a sword of Damocles over my head for the past decade. Always in fear that she was going to surface again, doing exactly what she is doing right now: Demanding money. Aside from the money issue, it's just bullshit. It's not a way to live. I am in continual fear, uncertainty and doubt about where I stand and what is going to happen to our family.
I want this to end. I am in the process of doing something about that.
The other issue that is similar is our marriage. I spent years in continual agony, wondering if you were going to leave me, doing everything in my power to prevent that. In the process, I simply wore myself out. Chaos addiction. Why not simply face the issue, instead of trying to band-aid over it?
Another issue is our children. The way I have lived my life is trying to referee a set of conflicts, keeping everyone happy and content, not fighting, not at each other's throat. In the process, everything simply gets swept under the rug. Not a way to live. Why not face the issues that are causing the conflicts to begin with? Because you are addicted to chaos, that's why! I am so tired of doing that!
Finances as well. Not paying bills. Waiting until bill collectors call, making you angry and stressed out in the process. Chaos addiction! Not a way to live!
At this point, I am not interested in being addicted to chaos. I want to face and resolve all of these issues, not hide from them. No more temporizing. No more buying time, waiting for another day. Simply face things head on, deal with them, and go on with your life.
It is like the enlightenment that I felt at the Retrouvaille POST session where they talked about communication, and I realized I was either in the "not good" or "poor" category much of the time. (And a lot of that had to do with chaos addiction as well!) You know, you really don't feel that way. That's not a good way to feel. Let me help you feel better, and the like. All band-aid approaches to life. Why not just own the feeling, accept it as real, and then deal with the cause? Instead of trying to talk you out of it!
My feeling of enlightenment is a definite 10. It is a moment of transformation. I want to deal with the issues of life, not just hide from them. That's my plan.
Love,
Me
Saturday, March 1, 2008
HDIF about Jeff's travel schedule? DYFF.
Dear LORD:
I do not want to travel. Please help me to not have to travel. It makes me feel trapped. Help Ruth to be OK while I am gone. We are soooo connected now. It is like tearing us to pieces for me to be gone so much.
MDDL:
Your MEQ today was coming into the living room and putting yourself in my lap, letting me rub your head and then falling asleep when I did so. Precious!
The way I feel about my travel schedule is trapped. We have discussed this before. I cannot tell you how much I do not want to travel, and how much I am not looking forward to my trip to Hopkinton tomorrow.
For one thing, I hate Boston. OK, maybe that's inaccurate. I do not hate Boston. I hate the suburbs of Boston. Boston itself is OK. Not great, but certainly a cut above Vegas, Dallas, or any number of towns I could name. Certainly, it is a great food town, and has lots of entertainment in the form of live theatre, music, and such.
But the suburbs of Boston? A desert. Nothing there but generic American culture. The kind I find nauseating. Outback Steak House. Burger King. McDonalds, Taco Bell. Blah, blah, blah. Combined with endless expanses of strip shopping centers, shopping malls, car dealerships, gas stations, and so on and on and on.
Not a lot here in terms of local color in other words. Certainly nothing like the Bay Area, which I find delightful and would enjoy very much if you were with me.
In other words, there is nothing, not one thing, absolutely and unequivocally nothing about the trip tomorrow which I find cool, fun, exciting or engaging. I will be a boring, stupid lame three days.
My one consolation is that I have found a yoga studio. I will enjoy that. That will keep me centered, grounded, and peaceful. I am glad I will get to have yoga for three more days on EMC's nickle.
In general, the way I feel about traveling is claustrophobic. When I think about climbing onto plane after plane after plane, and living in hotel after hotel after hotel, I want to run screaming from the room, clawing out my hair. It is the same feeling I feel when I am locked down and cannot move. My breath begins to come in gasps. I cannot think. I must escape. I must get free.
Being stuck on a plane for 13 hours yesterday was no fun. Especially the second flight where I was in a lot of pain and could not rest. I cannot really rest on planes anyway. I am just stuck there.
Also, my hotel room was not very comfortable this week. It was too noisy. My air conditioning clicked on and off noisily waking me up every few minutes. Other guests closed and opened their doors loudly, also waking me up. I could here the elevator. It was not peaceful.
When I am hear with you in our own home sleeping in our own bed, eating our own food, and hugging and kissing and such, I am at peace. I feel free. I feel relaxed. I feel well not trapped. I want us to stay with each other. I want to be in your presence. You calm me down. Make me feel like everything is going to be OK. Like you did tonight when the thing happened with the FSA. That was perfect. You looked into my eyes in a loving way, and said "Honey, I am sorry that happened to you." Like you are not affected by it. You were so helpful in that conversation. The way you did not react to my aggressiveness. The way you were just a perfect, loving wife, trying to calm down her distraught husband.
You have become this amazing person to me. I do not have you on pedastal, I don't think (well, maybe just a little), but still I find you wonderful, engaging, and exciting, while at the same time calming, relaxing and peaceful. This is very different from how our relationship was before we separated, when I found you very stressful. I don't know if it you that changed, or me. But it feels good.
Know this: I will be with you, thinking of you, praying for you, wanting your body, every minute of everyday I am traveling. That is all I can do until I come back to you.
Love,
Me
I do not want to travel. Please help me to not have to travel. It makes me feel trapped. Help Ruth to be OK while I am gone. We are soooo connected now. It is like tearing us to pieces for me to be gone so much.
MDDL:
Your MEQ today was coming into the living room and putting yourself in my lap, letting me rub your head and then falling asleep when I did so. Precious!
The way I feel about my travel schedule is trapped. We have discussed this before. I cannot tell you how much I do not want to travel, and how much I am not looking forward to my trip to Hopkinton tomorrow.
For one thing, I hate Boston. OK, maybe that's inaccurate. I do not hate Boston. I hate the suburbs of Boston. Boston itself is OK. Not great, but certainly a cut above Vegas, Dallas, or any number of towns I could name. Certainly, it is a great food town, and has lots of entertainment in the form of live theatre, music, and such.
But the suburbs of Boston? A desert. Nothing there but generic American culture. The kind I find nauseating. Outback Steak House. Burger King. McDonalds, Taco Bell. Blah, blah, blah. Combined with endless expanses of strip shopping centers, shopping malls, car dealerships, gas stations, and so on and on and on.
Not a lot here in terms of local color in other words. Certainly nothing like the Bay Area, which I find delightful and would enjoy very much if you were with me.
In other words, there is nothing, not one thing, absolutely and unequivocally nothing about the trip tomorrow which I find cool, fun, exciting or engaging. I will be a boring, stupid lame three days.
My one consolation is that I have found a yoga studio. I will enjoy that. That will keep me centered, grounded, and peaceful. I am glad I will get to have yoga for three more days on EMC's nickle.
In general, the way I feel about traveling is claustrophobic. When I think about climbing onto plane after plane after plane, and living in hotel after hotel after hotel, I want to run screaming from the room, clawing out my hair. It is the same feeling I feel when I am locked down and cannot move. My breath begins to come in gasps. I cannot think. I must escape. I must get free.
Being stuck on a plane for 13 hours yesterday was no fun. Especially the second flight where I was in a lot of pain and could not rest. I cannot really rest on planes anyway. I am just stuck there.
Also, my hotel room was not very comfortable this week. It was too noisy. My air conditioning clicked on and off noisily waking me up every few minutes. Other guests closed and opened their doors loudly, also waking me up. I could here the elevator. It was not peaceful.
When I am hear with you in our own home sleeping in our own bed, eating our own food, and hugging and kissing and such, I am at peace. I feel free. I feel relaxed. I feel well not trapped. I want us to stay with each other. I want to be in your presence. You calm me down. Make me feel like everything is going to be OK. Like you did tonight when the thing happened with the FSA. That was perfect. You looked into my eyes in a loving way, and said "Honey, I am sorry that happened to you." Like you are not affected by it. You were so helpful in that conversation. The way you did not react to my aggressiveness. The way you were just a perfect, loving wife, trying to calm down her distraught husband.
You have become this amazing person to me. I do not have you on pedastal, I don't think (well, maybe just a little), but still I find you wonderful, engaging, and exciting, while at the same time calming, relaxing and peaceful. This is very different from how our relationship was before we separated, when I found you very stressful. I don't know if it you that changed, or me. But it feels good.
Know this: I will be with you, thinking of you, praying for you, wanting your body, every minute of everyday I am traveling. That is all I can do until I come back to you.
Love,
Me
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Describe how I think things went in our conversation about finances? HDIFAMA?
Dear LORD:
Thank you for Ruth. Help me be a good husband to her, especially in the area of finances. Help me to overcome my tendency to procrastinate. Help me to be consistent, and diligent in the area of finances. Amen!
MDDL:
Your MEQ today was your beautiful email to me earlier this morning. I loved receiving this lovely message from you. You are my sweetheart!
The way I feel about our conversation last Saturday regarding finances is great! It was amazing to me that the LORD showed me that I was sabotaging our lives in that area, through my addiction to crisis and chaos. The first step to overcoming an addiction is to know that you have it. That was a moment of clarity for me for sure.
My father, as you know, created chaos constantly for the entire family. Anyone who was around him for any length of time became sucked into the vortex of his life. His grim shit philosophy was inescapable. The only way out was to avoid him.
Unfortunately, that was not an option for a little boy. I learned the message at an early life that "Life is grim." This message resounded deep within my soul, and scored deep ruts within it. Ever since then, I have been prone to periods of desperation and instability in my life.
I need to realize that life is not grim. Life is good. Life is wonderful. Life is a pleasure. Life is glorious. Especially for one so blessed as to be married to you!
We are actually doing very well. We have some challenges to overcome. But we are making rapid progress. Your car situation is being resolved. We have a way to pay off our credit cards which will not bankrupt us. I have a way to make extra income. I am finding new avenues for employment which may become quite rewarding, both financially and in other ways.
So, all things considered, things could be far worse. I need to remember that. Life is not grim, and I do not have to make it such. We can be happy. We can have joy.
The way I feel about this conversation is similar to the way I felt when I had my conversation with Bob in November. It was a lightening, a release of a burden. It felt like I had been set free.
Freedom. What a wonderful thing.
I love you.
Love,
Me
Thank you for Ruth. Help me be a good husband to her, especially in the area of finances. Help me to overcome my tendency to procrastinate. Help me to be consistent, and diligent in the area of finances. Amen!
MDDL:
Your MEQ today was your beautiful email to me earlier this morning. I loved receiving this lovely message from you. You are my sweetheart!
The way I feel about our conversation last Saturday regarding finances is great! It was amazing to me that the LORD showed me that I was sabotaging our lives in that area, through my addiction to crisis and chaos. The first step to overcoming an addiction is to know that you have it. That was a moment of clarity for me for sure.
My father, as you know, created chaos constantly for the entire family. Anyone who was around him for any length of time became sucked into the vortex of his life. His grim shit philosophy was inescapable. The only way out was to avoid him.
Unfortunately, that was not an option for a little boy. I learned the message at an early life that "Life is grim." This message resounded deep within my soul, and scored deep ruts within it. Ever since then, I have been prone to periods of desperation and instability in my life.
I need to realize that life is not grim. Life is good. Life is wonderful. Life is a pleasure. Life is glorious. Especially for one so blessed as to be married to you!
We are actually doing very well. We have some challenges to overcome. But we are making rapid progress. Your car situation is being resolved. We have a way to pay off our credit cards which will not bankrupt us. I have a way to make extra income. I am finding new avenues for employment which may become quite rewarding, both financially and in other ways.
So, all things considered, things could be far worse. I need to remember that. Life is not grim, and I do not have to make it such. We can be happy. We can have joy.
The way I feel about this conversation is similar to the way I felt when I had my conversation with Bob in November. It was a lightening, a release of a burden. It felt like I had been set free.
Freedom. What a wonderful thing.
I love you.
Love,
Me
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
How did you feel about our conflict and conversation and subsequent conversation about the conflict last night? HDIFAMA?
Dear LORD:
Thank you for Ruth. Thank you for our precious relationship. Let us love each other in the love you have for both of us. Keep of strong and pure together. Let us walk together in you. Give us your love. Keep us in your hands. Amen!
Dearest Ruth:
Your MEQ today (which it is still early) is the loving way that you took care of all of the car insurance cards and made sure Jeanae had one in her car. I love the way you take care of the family.
The way I feel about our conflict last night and so forth is peaceful and contented. I followed up later because I thought that when you said "You are not listening to me," that you were communicating something different. Since I was listening to you and heard every word you were saying, the statement was confusing. I translated in my mind, incorrectly apparently. I find that you say this fairly frequently, and often I am listening to you. You asked me to tell you how you should say that. I think what you are really saying is that you do not feel heard. You do not perceive that I am appreciating, validating and acknowledging what you are saying to me. That is translated in your mind into the statement "You are not listening." But I am listening. Perhaps you could say "I do not feel that you heard me." That statement is more about you and what you feel than about me and what I am doing.
We need to figure out a way that I can disagree with you about something factual or about a decision like making a purchase without it being interpreted that I am not listening. Frequently, I am actually listening to you and heard every word you said. In the case of last night, I did hear you. I just disagreed.
Ironically, I think you were right. We did not purchase the adapter kit. The guy said we did not need it. Which was the case. In this case it seems like a reasonable thing to do. So as I said last night, if it is going to be that much trouble, then fine let's go ahead and get the adapter kit. I am fine with that. It seems like a great idea right now.
As you pointed out, you thought that I had delegated the issue to you. But in my mind I still had the ball. Perhaps it is a symptom of my new attitude about our house. I am very involved in the matters of running our home at this point. I used to leave this completely in your hands. No longer. I need to be very involved in the day-to-day decisions of our home, and I need to know what is going on. I am not passive any longer. I will also never again allow you to make a decision I disagree with (like buying a butt-ugly bedroom set) and suffer silently while disagreeing with the decision in my heart. That just breeds resentment and silent conflict, leading to passive aggressiveness later. I do not ever want to get back into passive aggressive behavior. We need to always have an open and honest relationship. Which is what I was doing last night. That was me being open and honest with you. If we have a few conflicts along the way, so be it. That is way, way better than things building up silently over time.
Again, as of this morning, I had completely forgotten about the conflict. I was no longer thinking about it at all. I am completely at peace and calm about our interaction last night. It is very healthy that we are able to have a sharp disagreement, pray about it, and then discuss it calmly. When we went to bed last night, I was completely calm and content. The feeling was like the feeling you get when you have a really, really good nights sleep. Everything fine with the world. The color would be the pale pink of dawn peaking above the horizon on a beautiful spring day, with new life returning to the world, a hint of fog, and a bit of chill in the air. The promise of a really beautiful day coming. That was what I felt last night.
The way I feel about my answer is great! I love you and and I know that our relationship is very, very strong. I have no doubts about you at all. I know that you are as involved and concerned about the things of our home and family as I am. The fact that we are partners in this, both taking complete and total responsibility, is a great thing to me.
I love you always,
Me
Thank you for Ruth. Thank you for our precious relationship. Let us love each other in the love you have for both of us. Keep of strong and pure together. Let us walk together in you. Give us your love. Keep us in your hands. Amen!
Dearest Ruth:
Your MEQ today (which it is still early) is the loving way that you took care of all of the car insurance cards and made sure Jeanae had one in her car. I love the way you take care of the family.
The way I feel about our conflict last night and so forth is peaceful and contented. I followed up later because I thought that when you said "You are not listening to me," that you were communicating something different. Since I was listening to you and heard every word you were saying, the statement was confusing. I translated in my mind, incorrectly apparently. I find that you say this fairly frequently, and often I am listening to you. You asked me to tell you how you should say that. I think what you are really saying is that you do not feel heard. You do not perceive that I am appreciating, validating and acknowledging what you are saying to me. That is translated in your mind into the statement "You are not listening." But I am listening. Perhaps you could say "I do not feel that you heard me." That statement is more about you and what you feel than about me and what I am doing.
We need to figure out a way that I can disagree with you about something factual or about a decision like making a purchase without it being interpreted that I am not listening. Frequently, I am actually listening to you and heard every word you said. In the case of last night, I did hear you. I just disagreed.
Ironically, I think you were right. We did not purchase the adapter kit. The guy said we did not need it. Which was the case. In this case it seems like a reasonable thing to do. So as I said last night, if it is going to be that much trouble, then fine let's go ahead and get the adapter kit. I am fine with that. It seems like a great idea right now.
As you pointed out, you thought that I had delegated the issue to you. But in my mind I still had the ball. Perhaps it is a symptom of my new attitude about our house. I am very involved in the matters of running our home at this point. I used to leave this completely in your hands. No longer. I need to be very involved in the day-to-day decisions of our home, and I need to know what is going on. I am not passive any longer. I will also never again allow you to make a decision I disagree with (like buying a butt-ugly bedroom set) and suffer silently while disagreeing with the decision in my heart. That just breeds resentment and silent conflict, leading to passive aggressiveness later. I do not ever want to get back into passive aggressive behavior. We need to always have an open and honest relationship. Which is what I was doing last night. That was me being open and honest with you. If we have a few conflicts along the way, so be it. That is way, way better than things building up silently over time.
Again, as of this morning, I had completely forgotten about the conflict. I was no longer thinking about it at all. I am completely at peace and calm about our interaction last night. It is very healthy that we are able to have a sharp disagreement, pray about it, and then discuss it calmly. When we went to bed last night, I was completely calm and content. The feeling was like the feeling you get when you have a really, really good nights sleep. Everything fine with the world. The color would be the pale pink of dawn peaking above the horizon on a beautiful spring day, with new life returning to the world, a hint of fog, and a bit of chill in the air. The promise of a really beautiful day coming. That was what I felt last night.
The way I feel about my answer is great! I love you and and I know that our relationship is very, very strong. I have no doubts about you at all. I know that you are as involved and concerned about the things of our home and family as I am. The fact that we are partners in this, both taking complete and total responsibility, is a great thing to me.
I love you always,
Me
Saturday, December 22, 2007
HDIF about our relationship at this point? DYFF.
Dear LORD:
Thank you so much for Ruth. She is so dear to me. I love her with all my heart. Help me to love her fully and completely, with all of my being, in a way that she feels totally loved. Amen!
MDDL:
Your MEQ tonight was the loving way that you apologized to your daughter and me about the misunderstanding in the car. I loved watching you talk to your daughter on the phone. You were so gentle and loving towards her, so full of grace.
My strongest feeling about you at this point is love. I am also very happy to be in your presence. There is still a little bit of insecurity and tentativeness in certain areas, notably sex. We can dialog on that later if you like.
But by far, my strongest feeling about you is love. I love you. I have that feeling whenever I am with you. I feel happy and bubbly inside. You are so beautiful to me. I find you desirable in every way imaginable. I am utterly fascinated and enchanted by you. I find you more desirable and interesting, if possible, than when we first met.
My love for you at this point is different from my first love. The first love was not based upon knowledge. It had not been tempered by shared pain. It was an idealistic love, a love of an image, not of someone I truly knew.
Now I know you. We have been through the testing fire. You and I have suffered greatly. We have caused each other great pain, as well as having pain from the trials of this life. In both cases, the pain has tempered and strengthened our feelings for each other. Certainly, they have strengthened my love for you.
I think we had a choice of two paths: One in which the pain consumed and destroyed us, in the process destroying our love for each other and converting it into hatred, anger, resentment, pride, bitterness and so forth. That was the unforgiving path.
We chose another path. We forgave one another. This was a gift which was granted to us by the Father. We accepted the pain we caused each other for what it was: A gift. If we had to experience that pain in order to have the joy we now have, it was all worthwhile. We truly brought forth beauty from ashes.
My love for you is very, very strong. It often consumes me. I gaze at you and feel deep, pure, sudden joy at the knowledge that you are my beloved, and that I will spend my entire life with you. I desire no other. You are and will always be my one true love, granted to me by God to be my wife, my helpmate, my closest friend and companion, for this life. And forever.
Love,
Me
Thank you so much for Ruth. She is so dear to me. I love her with all my heart. Help me to love her fully and completely, with all of my being, in a way that she feels totally loved. Amen!
MDDL:
Your MEQ tonight was the loving way that you apologized to your daughter and me about the misunderstanding in the car. I loved watching you talk to your daughter on the phone. You were so gentle and loving towards her, so full of grace.
My strongest feeling about you at this point is love. I am also very happy to be in your presence. There is still a little bit of insecurity and tentativeness in certain areas, notably sex. We can dialog on that later if you like.
But by far, my strongest feeling about you is love. I love you. I have that feeling whenever I am with you. I feel happy and bubbly inside. You are so beautiful to me. I find you desirable in every way imaginable. I am utterly fascinated and enchanted by you. I find you more desirable and interesting, if possible, than when we first met.
My love for you at this point is different from my first love. The first love was not based upon knowledge. It had not been tempered by shared pain. It was an idealistic love, a love of an image, not of someone I truly knew.
Now I know you. We have been through the testing fire. You and I have suffered greatly. We have caused each other great pain, as well as having pain from the trials of this life. In both cases, the pain has tempered and strengthened our feelings for each other. Certainly, they have strengthened my love for you.
I think we had a choice of two paths: One in which the pain consumed and destroyed us, in the process destroying our love for each other and converting it into hatred, anger, resentment, pride, bitterness and so forth. That was the unforgiving path.
We chose another path. We forgave one another. This was a gift which was granted to us by the Father. We accepted the pain we caused each other for what it was: A gift. If we had to experience that pain in order to have the joy we now have, it was all worthwhile. We truly brought forth beauty from ashes.
My love for you is very, very strong. It often consumes me. I gaze at you and feel deep, pure, sudden joy at the knowledge that you are my beloved, and that I will spend my entire life with you. I desire no other. You are and will always be my one true love, granted to me by God to be my wife, my helpmate, my closest friend and companion, for this life. And forever.
Love,
Me
Thursday, November 29, 2007
How do you feel that our new arrangement for handling the children is working out? DYFF?
Dear LORD:
Be with Ruth and me as we forge a new relationship with our children. Help us to remain the example of godly parents and a godly married couple to our children. Keep our testimony to them sincere and unadulterated by the world. Help us to walk the line between being relevant and being worldly. Give us a way to show them the way. Amen!
Dearest Ruth:
Your MEQ today was taking care of the HP printer. You did so very cheerfully, although that item was on my plate, and I had not gotten it done. You were awesome! I appreciate everything you do for me and our family!
The way I feel about our new arrangement for handling the children is great! I am functioning as the children's father for the first time in a long time, maybe ever.
Samuel was amazing tonight. When presented with the opportunity for me to bail him out of his ticket situation he refused. He took responsibility for that ticket although he did not have a handle on how to solve it at that point. He is refusing to rely on my good graces too much. I regard this as a very positive thing for Sam. He could become a dependent child, and I want him to avoid that, and to become fully independent. He is aware that he is exposed in the situation with his license right now, and he is working very hard to become able to handle that on his own.
I am willing to help Sam out but welcome the fact that he wants to do this without me. I pray (please LORD!) that he will be successful in that.
In terms of Jon, he has taken responsibility for looking for his car. He relied up on me heavily last week and earlier this week to do that. When I talked to him about how much his payment was going to be, he seemed to realize that he was going to have to work on this. He came up with a very reasonable car for himself tonight. I was very proud of him as well.
Jeanae is the the current problem child. She has regressed a bit in the area of her dress. When she came home from school on Monday she looked like a call girl. She had on a pair of stacked high-heel boots, a very tight pair of pants, and a very stylish top. I do not know what she looked like today, but she is definitely not being the New Modest Jeanae she was a few months ago. I think a bit of rebellion against the rules of CCS is going on. She wants to push her limits, clearly. She needs to take the yoke, do it as unto the LORD, and stop kicking against the goads. I will talk to her on this issue when I get back tomorrow.
I love all of our children very, very much. I want to be the father, priest, and spiritual leader that they need. I am a broken, sinful man, but I have Y'Shua living inside me. Hallelujah! I can do all things through the Messiah who strengthens me!
So, again, the way I feel about the kids right now is great. I know we face some challenges. But I am ready to handle them, now more fully than ever because I have you with me. I love you and I know that I rest in your love, and the love of Y'Shua through you. I feel equal to the task. I feel adequate in the Messiah. He is my strength. I am filled with confidence, assurance, and peace that He can do it all!
Love,
Me
Be with Ruth and me as we forge a new relationship with our children. Help us to remain the example of godly parents and a godly married couple to our children. Keep our testimony to them sincere and unadulterated by the world. Help us to walk the line between being relevant and being worldly. Give us a way to show them the way. Amen!
Dearest Ruth:
Your MEQ today was taking care of the HP printer. You did so very cheerfully, although that item was on my plate, and I had not gotten it done. You were awesome! I appreciate everything you do for me and our family!
The way I feel about our new arrangement for handling the children is great! I am functioning as the children's father for the first time in a long time, maybe ever.
Samuel was amazing tonight. When presented with the opportunity for me to bail him out of his ticket situation he refused. He took responsibility for that ticket although he did not have a handle on how to solve it at that point. He is refusing to rely on my good graces too much. I regard this as a very positive thing for Sam. He could become a dependent child, and I want him to avoid that, and to become fully independent. He is aware that he is exposed in the situation with his license right now, and he is working very hard to become able to handle that on his own.
I am willing to help Sam out but welcome the fact that he wants to do this without me. I pray (please LORD!) that he will be successful in that.
In terms of Jon, he has taken responsibility for looking for his car. He relied up on me heavily last week and earlier this week to do that. When I talked to him about how much his payment was going to be, he seemed to realize that he was going to have to work on this. He came up with a very reasonable car for himself tonight. I was very proud of him as well.
Jeanae is the the current problem child. She has regressed a bit in the area of her dress. When she came home from school on Monday she looked like a call girl. She had on a pair of stacked high-heel boots, a very tight pair of pants, and a very stylish top. I do not know what she looked like today, but she is definitely not being the New Modest Jeanae she was a few months ago. I think a bit of rebellion against the rules of CCS is going on. She wants to push her limits, clearly. She needs to take the yoke, do it as unto the LORD, and stop kicking against the goads. I will talk to her on this issue when I get back tomorrow.
I love all of our children very, very much. I want to be the father, priest, and spiritual leader that they need. I am a broken, sinful man, but I have Y'Shua living inside me. Hallelujah! I can do all things through the Messiah who strengthens me!
So, again, the way I feel about the kids right now is great. I know we face some challenges. But I am ready to handle them, now more fully than ever because I have you with me. I love you and I know that I rest in your love, and the love of Y'Shua through you. I feel equal to the task. I feel adequate in the Messiah. He is my strength. I am filled with confidence, assurance, and peace that He can do it all!
Love,
Me
Sunday, November 25, 2007
How do I feel about our involvement in Vintage 21?
Dear LORD:
Thank you for your wisdom and direction to Vintage 21. Build us fully into the body there. Help us to become more connected. Show us how to introduce Retrouvaille to that community. Amen!
Dearest Ruth:
Your MEQ today was being cuddly in the meeting at Vintage 21. It was wonderful being in the meeting with you. I loved it very much.
My feelings about Vintage 21 are various. On the one hand, I am very hopeful and pumped about Vintage 21. There were many things about the meeting today that I thought were very wonderful. I think it is great for example that Jeanae loves it there. I very much enjoyed our home meeting last Monday night and am looking forward to the meeting tomorrow night very much as well. I would also like to pursue the Owners night which is Tuesday, if you are interested. Let me know if you think I am going too fast. I tend to do that sometimes.
On the other hand, I am a bit concerned that we have yet to get to know any of the members outside of the context of a formal meeting. I was trolling for a lunch date today, but that did not happen. The only folks we knew there today were Collin and Holly, and he turned me down flat for lunch. (He said they had a neighbor that they were ministering to.)
I want to be involved in a loving community of Christians who are followers and lovers of Y'Shua. That requires more connection than just a meeting on Sunday and a home meeting once a week. I want to be involved in their lives in a much more tangible and intimate way than just that. Maybe that will begin to happen soon.
I do like the culture though. The music today was superb. I thought Tyler's message was also excellent. It is pretty close to what I am looking for. I got another positive reassurance from the LORD today when I spoke to Tyler and asked him if he knew about ERM. He said yes, he has read several of his books, and has even had lunch with him. While he did say he has some areas of disagreement with ERM, they are trivial, and for the most part he is on board with ERM in the main thrust of his ministry. Also, when I said that what he has come up with was very similar to Mosaic in LA, he smiled broadly, and said he regarded that as high compliment. This means that the LORD has actually led us to a church very similar to Mosaic, which is exactly what I have been praying for.
So, in the main, I am pumped, excited and hopeful. At the same time, I am impatient. The pumped and excited is way, way stronger than the impatient is. It is kind of like the feeling you get when you go to a really great football game, and you watch the last touchdown be scored by your team to win the game. You are totally pumped! That's how I feel. Very excited! It am really looking forward to engaging with God's children again for the first time in many years.
Love,
Me
Thank you for your wisdom and direction to Vintage 21. Build us fully into the body there. Help us to become more connected. Show us how to introduce Retrouvaille to that community. Amen!
Dearest Ruth:
Your MEQ today was being cuddly in the meeting at Vintage 21. It was wonderful being in the meeting with you. I loved it very much.
My feelings about Vintage 21 are various. On the one hand, I am very hopeful and pumped about Vintage 21. There were many things about the meeting today that I thought were very wonderful. I think it is great for example that Jeanae loves it there. I very much enjoyed our home meeting last Monday night and am looking forward to the meeting tomorrow night very much as well. I would also like to pursue the Owners night which is Tuesday, if you are interested. Let me know if you think I am going too fast. I tend to do that sometimes.
On the other hand, I am a bit concerned that we have yet to get to know any of the members outside of the context of a formal meeting. I was trolling for a lunch date today, but that did not happen. The only folks we knew there today were Collin and Holly, and he turned me down flat for lunch. (He said they had a neighbor that they were ministering to.)
I want to be involved in a loving community of Christians who are followers and lovers of Y'Shua. That requires more connection than just a meeting on Sunday and a home meeting once a week. I want to be involved in their lives in a much more tangible and intimate way than just that. Maybe that will begin to happen soon.
I do like the culture though. The music today was superb. I thought Tyler's message was also excellent. It is pretty close to what I am looking for. I got another positive reassurance from the LORD today when I spoke to Tyler and asked him if he knew about ERM. He said yes, he has read several of his books, and has even had lunch with him. While he did say he has some areas of disagreement with ERM, they are trivial, and for the most part he is on board with ERM in the main thrust of his ministry. Also, when I said that what he has come up with was very similar to Mosaic in LA, he smiled broadly, and said he regarded that as high compliment. This means that the LORD has actually led us to a church very similar to Mosaic, which is exactly what I have been praying for.
So, in the main, I am pumped, excited and hopeful. At the same time, I am impatient. The pumped and excited is way, way stronger than the impatient is. It is kind of like the feeling you get when you go to a really great football game, and you watch the last touchdown be scored by your team to win the game. You are totally pumped! That's how I feel. Very excited! It am really looking forward to engaging with God's children again for the first time in many years.
Love,
Me
Monday, November 19, 2007
What changes have you noticed in me? HDIFTYT?
Dear LORD:
Thank you for the wonderful meetings we have been to in the past couple of days. It has been great reconnecting with your body! Amen.
Dearest Ruth:
Your MEQ today was coming home and saving me. I loved seeing you drive up in the driveway! I was so thrilled. Also, you were very gentle and soft in your response to my gaff. I was so grateful. You said "I told you so", but you did so gently and with compassion. Thank you for your kindness!
Wow. What changes have I noticed in you? That would be a long list indeed. I'll give you the short version:
How I feel about this is connected. Connected to you, connected to our family, connected to our life together. I feel more in tune with you, and able to understand you than I ever have. Partly because you make more sense to me now. Partly I guess because I have learned how to communicate with you better. But mostly because you have profoundly changed.
It's like the feeling of connection that you feel with a child when he looks up at you and you realize that this child is a part of you, that you will always be a part of you, and that is a really great thing. When you see yourself in that person, and realize God has joined you to this person forever. I feel that way with you tonight. You are a part of me, and that will always be so.
Love,
Me
Thank you for the wonderful meetings we have been to in the past couple of days. It has been great reconnecting with your body! Amen.
Dearest Ruth:
Your MEQ today was coming home and saving me. I loved seeing you drive up in the driveway! I was so thrilled. Also, you were very gentle and soft in your response to my gaff. I was so grateful. You said "I told you so", but you did so gently and with compassion. Thank you for your kindness!
Wow. What changes have I noticed in you? That would be a long list indeed. I'll give you the short version:
- You are way less edgy than you used to be. You have really, really mellowed out. Things just don't bother you as much.
- You are far hornier than I have ever known you to be. You weren't even close to this sexual active when we first got married! Your floodgates have opened!
- You seem more together. You were kind of flaky before, and you are less so now, by far. You seem to have your stuff together more.
- You seem more emotionally healthy and centered. I was always concerned for you before. You seemed so fragile. You seem to have an inner strength now that you did not have before at all.
- You are much more what I would call "naturally supernatural". That is, you are more comfortable in your relationship with God and functioning in the area of the spiritual. You used to be much more forced and tight in this area. You are letting it flow much more than you used to, and in the process it is far more effective.
- While you like a neat and tidy house, you are not as neat as you used to be. Or maybe that's just a part of #1. Anyway, it frees me up to be much more helpful around the house, because I don't feel like it is something that is done under a spotlight. I used to feel very defensive about this, and I don't anymore. Maybe that's something that changed in me, too.
- You are getting along with the kids much better. It's like you let them go to be who they want to be. Which they were always going to be anyway, by the way. But in the process, you have made peace with them. This frees you to have far more impact in their lives.
How I feel about this is connected. Connected to you, connected to our family, connected to our life together. I feel more in tune with you, and able to understand you than I ever have. Partly because you make more sense to me now. Partly I guess because I have learned how to communicate with you better. But mostly because you have profoundly changed.
It's like the feeling of connection that you feel with a child when he looks up at you and you realize that this child is a part of you, that you will always be a part of you, and that is a really great thing. When you see yourself in that person, and realize God has joined you to this person forever. I feel that way with you tonight. You are a part of me, and that will always be so.
Love,
Me
Friday, November 2, 2007
How does conflict between us make me feel?
Dear LORD:
Help our marriage become resilient to all conflict. Let us be able to relate to each other so well that the conflicts that are the inevitable result of the pressures of daily life do not sway us in any way from the true course of oneness within marriage: Your Son and Spirit.
Dearest Ruth:
Your MEQ today was being willing to share me with our daughter. I was amazed at how easily you let me go with her to our Daddy/Daughter date, and how supportive you were of the relationship that exists between Jeanae and I. Thank you so much for your understanding and patient heart as I love Jeanae into a state of acceptance of the new relationship that you and I share.
I feel nervous when we have conflict. That is my strongest feeling. I think I have told you this before. It is not that strong, about a 3. It feels something like the butterflies that you have when you are going to give a speech in front of a large group. A little pit in the stomach feeling. I am a bit apprehensive. I keep thinking that we are going to snap back into the old patterns of behavior in which you were aggressive and I was passive/aggressive. I do not want to do that soooooo much! I want us to keep the newness of our relationship alive, which is why I am so supportive and consistent about our dialogging and maintaining our closeness in our communication.
Yeah, nervous. That's it.
I have that feeling fairly regularly. It happened when I said that question "What I need from you is very simple...." and you flashed up at me. Nervous. Similarly, I felt it when you reacted to my statement this morning: "There's nothing I can do about that..." Nervous.
There seem to be a few statements or phrases that I am using fairly innocently that you react to. I am not sure that I understand these reactions. Maybe I never will. I can certainly stop saying them if that is the issue.
I wonder if there is more to it. But I don't want to pick this apart. The bottom line is that I love you, and I want to be married to you. I want to minimize the friction between us (which is inevitable, as I pointed out in my prayer), and I want for us to get along as well as we have in the past few months for the rest of our lives.
I am willing to change just about anything about my communication in order to accomplish this that does not involve my becoming fat, doing anything illegal or otherwise immoral. :-)
If there is an underlying issue, please tell me. Otherwise, I will not know. If it is just me doing things that are plain-vanilla annoying, let me know that too. I can certainly change the way I communicate with you, including omitting flash-point phrases that annoy you. Whatever you need, in other words, in order to put up with me. I know I am an annoying, quirky guy. Heck, I am amazed that you successfully put up with me for so long! I certainly annoy myself. As Erwin Raphael McManus points out, we are all prisoners in our own skin. Finding peace with God is partly a process of coming to terms with that and realizing that we need to forgive ourselves, as well as those close to us, continuously.
Love,
Me
Help our marriage become resilient to all conflict. Let us be able to relate to each other so well that the conflicts that are the inevitable result of the pressures of daily life do not sway us in any way from the true course of oneness within marriage: Your Son and Spirit.
Dearest Ruth:
Your MEQ today was being willing to share me with our daughter. I was amazed at how easily you let me go with her to our Daddy/Daughter date, and how supportive you were of the relationship that exists between Jeanae and I. Thank you so much for your understanding and patient heart as I love Jeanae into a state of acceptance of the new relationship that you and I share.
I feel nervous when we have conflict. That is my strongest feeling. I think I have told you this before. It is not that strong, about a 3. It feels something like the butterflies that you have when you are going to give a speech in front of a large group. A little pit in the stomach feeling. I am a bit apprehensive. I keep thinking that we are going to snap back into the old patterns of behavior in which you were aggressive and I was passive/aggressive. I do not want to do that soooooo much! I want us to keep the newness of our relationship alive, which is why I am so supportive and consistent about our dialogging and maintaining our closeness in our communication.
Yeah, nervous. That's it.
I have that feeling fairly regularly. It happened when I said that question "What I need from you is very simple...." and you flashed up at me. Nervous. Similarly, I felt it when you reacted to my statement this morning: "There's nothing I can do about that..." Nervous.
There seem to be a few statements or phrases that I am using fairly innocently that you react to. I am not sure that I understand these reactions. Maybe I never will. I can certainly stop saying them if that is the issue.
I wonder if there is more to it. But I don't want to pick this apart. The bottom line is that I love you, and I want to be married to you. I want to minimize the friction between us (which is inevitable, as I pointed out in my prayer), and I want for us to get along as well as we have in the past few months for the rest of our lives.
I am willing to change just about anything about my communication in order to accomplish this that does not involve my becoming fat, doing anything illegal or otherwise immoral. :-)
If there is an underlying issue, please tell me. Otherwise, I will not know. If it is just me doing things that are plain-vanilla annoying, let me know that too. I can certainly change the way I communicate with you, including omitting flash-point phrases that annoy you. Whatever you need, in other words, in order to put up with me. I know I am an annoying, quirky guy. Heck, I am amazed that you successfully put up with me for so long! I certainly annoy myself. As Erwin Raphael McManus points out, we are all prisoners in our own skin. Finding peace with God is partly a process of coming to terms with that and realizing that we need to forgive ourselves, as well as those close to us, continuously.
Love,
Me
Thursday, November 1, 2007
What was my strongest feeling of the day?
Dear LORD:
Help us to remain committed and dedicated to dialog. Keep our relationship strong and honest. Be with us as we go through the next few months. Let us remain as loving and intimate as we are today, if not more so! Amen!
Dearest Ruth:
Your MEQ today was your apology - with a kiss. It was so sweet to have you apologize to me in such a loving way.
My strongest feeling of today was exhilaration that we are being unloaded from the burden of the house. I was a bit stressed until I got to see the closing statement. I never know how things are going to turn out until I see them. But I followed through with the lawyer and got my hands on that statement when everyone else did.
As I was reading the email, Susan called me. We pulled it up together and explained to me the way it would all work out.
At that point, I was exhilarated. This feeling was a 10. I wanted to dance and sing (and play air guitar, as you see I have been doing). I am so happy! Exhilarated!
It is like the feeling you get when you are sledding in the winter and you go down a long snowy slope with the wind in your hair. The cold of the snow on your face! Very exhilarating!
Yes!
I am so happy to be rid of that house. You were right all along, as you usually are. I resisted that decision for so long.
Like I said, it will be a while before I agree to build or own again. I am enjoying the freedom too much. I like our rent house. It is a little bit ghetto, but very, very comfortable. Like you said, I would not want to own it, but it is a great place for us to live for now. And it's very cheap!
Love,
Me
Help us to remain committed and dedicated to dialog. Keep our relationship strong and honest. Be with us as we go through the next few months. Let us remain as loving and intimate as we are today, if not more so! Amen!
Dearest Ruth:
Your MEQ today was your apology - with a kiss. It was so sweet to have you apologize to me in such a loving way.
My strongest feeling of today was exhilaration that we are being unloaded from the burden of the house. I was a bit stressed until I got to see the closing statement. I never know how things are going to turn out until I see them. But I followed through with the lawyer and got my hands on that statement when everyone else did.
As I was reading the email, Susan called me. We pulled it up together and explained to me the way it would all work out.
At that point, I was exhilarated. This feeling was a 10. I wanted to dance and sing (and play air guitar, as you see I have been doing). I am so happy! Exhilarated!
It is like the feeling you get when you are sledding in the winter and you go down a long snowy slope with the wind in your hair. The cold of the snow on your face! Very exhilarating!
Yes!
I am so happy to be rid of that house. You were right all along, as you usually are. I resisted that decision for so long.
Like I said, it will be a while before I agree to build or own again. I am enjoying the freedom too much. I like our rent house. It is a little bit ghetto, but very, very comfortable. Like you said, I would not want to own it, but it is a great place for us to live for now. And it's very cheap!
Love,
Me
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Question: How do I feel about starting our new life together
Dear LORD: Help Ruth and I start a beautiful new life together, and continue to walk in love and forgiveness for each other. Amen!
Dearest Ruth:
Your MEQ today was that you wanted to have dinner as a family, and you appreciated what I made for dinner. I loved being with you and sharing the time with you and Jeanae. You are incredibly precious to me!
My feelings about starting our new life together includes hopeful, joyous, caring, loving, cherishing, and excited. My strongest feeling is that I am excited.
We need a new beginning together. We have walked through so much Hell in this world, and we deserve a breath of fresh air. We need to simplify our lives and drop much of the unneeded baggage of belongings and lifestyle. I really want us to do this.
I feel light-hearted as well. It's kind of playful. It feels like I am young again. Like we are starting fresh and new, without the heaviness of the past. It is a light feeling, like a weight has been removed.
In terms of being excited, it is like the feeling that I have when I drive a really fast car, or maybe go down a steep hill on my bike. With the wind whipping through my hair, and stuff flying by. Really exciting! It feels a little scary, but in a nice way.
Or maybe it's like when I climbed the Sky Tower in Auckland and I stood on a narrow platform with a grate floor about 500 meters (1500 feet) above the ground. I could see for miles! Also, the wind was blowing hard, and it was cold. But the view was incredible! You felt like you could just fly off the thing, you were so high up. Wonderful!
In terms of playfulness, remember when I used to reach down with the kids when they were small. I would grab them by the waist, and rotate them up onto my shoulder so that their hips were sitting on top of my shoulder, and they were upside down with their arms hanging down in front of me. Then I would tickle their tummy, and play with them up there like that. They got to where they would stay up there forever. They loved it! It was very playful. This feels like this. Just lighthearted playfulness. It feels wonderful!
I am also filled with wonder and awe that we have come this far and that we are continuing to do this together. You are amazing to me. As I told you recently, if we had to go through the really bad time to get to this point where we are so close, it was worth. I would not choose to do it again, of course, but I am very glad that we have gotten to the point where we communicate as well as we do. I really love and cherish the amazing communication we have together.
You are and will always be the love of my life. I don't know what I would do without you. I really love you and cherish you always. I need to be with you and to hold you close. You are not only my wife and my lover, you are also my best friend. I feel like I could talk to you about anything. You are so caring and loving to me now. I want to be the best husband I can be for you!
Let me know what you think of this way of dialogue. It is really fun, I think. Anyway, you don't have to worry about my handwriting.
With great love, and hope for all our tomorrows,
Jeff
Dearest Ruth:
Your MEQ today was that you wanted to have dinner as a family, and you appreciated what I made for dinner. I loved being with you and sharing the time with you and Jeanae. You are incredibly precious to me!
My feelings about starting our new life together includes hopeful, joyous, caring, loving, cherishing, and excited. My strongest feeling is that I am excited.
We need a new beginning together. We have walked through so much Hell in this world, and we deserve a breath of fresh air. We need to simplify our lives and drop much of the unneeded baggage of belongings and lifestyle. I really want us to do this.
I feel light-hearted as well. It's kind of playful. It feels like I am young again. Like we are starting fresh and new, without the heaviness of the past. It is a light feeling, like a weight has been removed.
In terms of being excited, it is like the feeling that I have when I drive a really fast car, or maybe go down a steep hill on my bike. With the wind whipping through my hair, and stuff flying by. Really exciting! It feels a little scary, but in a nice way.
Or maybe it's like when I climbed the Sky Tower in Auckland and I stood on a narrow platform with a grate floor about 500 meters (1500 feet) above the ground. I could see for miles! Also, the wind was blowing hard, and it was cold. But the view was incredible! You felt like you could just fly off the thing, you were so high up. Wonderful!
In terms of playfulness, remember when I used to reach down with the kids when they were small. I would grab them by the waist, and rotate them up onto my shoulder so that their hips were sitting on top of my shoulder, and they were upside down with their arms hanging down in front of me. Then I would tickle their tummy, and play with them up there like that. They got to where they would stay up there forever. They loved it! It was very playful. This feels like this. Just lighthearted playfulness. It feels wonderful!
I am also filled with wonder and awe that we have come this far and that we are continuing to do this together. You are amazing to me. As I told you recently, if we had to go through the really bad time to get to this point where we are so close, it was worth. I would not choose to do it again, of course, but I am very glad that we have gotten to the point where we communicate as well as we do. I really love and cherish the amazing communication we have together.
You are and will always be the love of my life. I don't know what I would do without you. I really love you and cherish you always. I need to be with you and to hold you close. You are not only my wife and my lover, you are also my best friend. I feel like I could talk to you about anything. You are so caring and loving to me now. I want to be the best husband I can be for you!
Let me know what you think of this way of dialogue. It is really fun, I think. Anyway, you don't have to worry about my handwriting.
With great love, and hope for all our tomorrows,
Jeff
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