Dear LORD:
Be with us as we are together tonight. I am so in love with my sweetheart. Be with us as we dialog together. Amen!
MDDL:
Your MEQ today has been your diligence in looking for an apartment for our son, Samuel. It touched my heart when you referred to him today as "our baby".
The way we have been coordinating and prioritizing our schedules up till now has been very ad hoc and very tactical. We tend to focus more on what is urgent, and less on what is important. I think we should make a longer term plan. We miss a lot by short term thinking.
The things that pay off in the long terms are things like your education, getting the taxes filed, getting out of debt, practicing yoga, maintaining a healthy lifestyle and the like. Plus continuing our spiritual pursuits and making time for our relationship. These are the top priority items that we should be focusing on.
We tend to get sucked into shorter term thinking about things like Samuel's and Jon's relationship issues, Jeanae's current crisis or drama, my job, your job, and the like.
I got in touch with this propensity for short term thinking a few days ago. There was a show on NPR which was discussing the issue of the GI bill. My life was completely transformed by the GI bill when my father was able to get an education and escape the cycle of poverty as a result of the benefits he received in WWII. It turns out that every dollar that was invested in educational benefits for veterans after WWII was repaid tenfold in tax revenues from the increased earnings these folks earned during their lives.
Which begs the obvious question: Why doesn't the government simply pay for college for everyone? Many countries do this. Ireland for example. Also Switzerland. All education is free because the government recognizes that people who earn more pay more taxes and thus the investment in peoples lives is a huge payoff.
So why don't we do this in our country? Because it takes too long for the payoff to occur. The period required is in decades not in the short term time horizon of most politicians. Thus, they do not fund education (or even the GI bill) nearly as much as would be appropriate considering the payoff.
This short term way of thinking is baked into our entire society. EMC is like this. I suspect that the Refectory Cafe probably is too. It is part of the insanity and dysfunction of our society that we ignore long term opportunities by looking at the short term. I see us doing that in our own lives. I do it in my life all the time. I am more focused on getting my expense report filed than I am on getting the taxes filed, although the dollar value of the taxes is at least 20x the amount of the expense report. Again, what is most urgent is not necessarily the most important.
I would like for us to really take some time to create long term goals and write them down. Then come up with measurable time periods for us to achieve those goals. Finally, I would like for us to figure out concreate, measurable things we can do to move towards those goals. I would also like for us to do this repeatedly and iteratively, on a scheduled basis. By doing this, we can actually move our lives in the directions we choose, rather than simply allowing life to happen to us.
The way I feel about this is very optimistic. I feel a level of maturity and optimism within myself that I have not felt in pretty much any other time in my life. The color is like a deep rich green, of abundant life, springing up from rich soil. It feels like health returning after a long period of illness, when you can finally breath again after a cold for example. (You know that first sneeze you have after being stopped up for a long time? Delicious!)
The feeling is definitely a 10. It is quite strong. I want for us to do this together. We can do this and we will.
I love you.
Love,
Me
Friday, July 4, 2008
How do I feel about money and our differences of opinion in this area?
Dear LORD:
I appreciate the invention of emotions, but why money? Makes no sense to me. It just causes trouble. Surely you could have done without that one. I will certainly want to discuss this with you when I see you. Amen!
MDDL:
Your MEQ just now was cuddling with me when we were in the meeting. I found that very cute and endearing.
We recently had a disagreement which illustrates our difference of opinion in the area of money. I wanted to pay down the Chase credit card (basically cutting the balance in half) and you wanted me to go into the hardship program. This disagreement became quite sharp although we were able to reach a compromise (by paying two cards instead of one in the same amount).
This illustrates the difference of opinion we have in this area: I want to pay off credit cards as soon as possible and you want to spread out the payments by going into the hardship program. This makes no sense to me. Are you aware that over the period that you pay off the card, they will charge you far, far more interest than if you had simply paid the thing down? Like if you have $1,000 balance that you are paying at a rate of 7% over 5 years, you will pay $70 per year for five years = $350. That’s 35%! If you had simply paid the thing off within a short period of time, you could avoid almost all of the interest entirely. Plus have the damn thing off of your shoulders.
We learned a technique to get out of debt recently from Hans Johnson. Pay off the card with the lowest balance first. Then use the amount that you were paying on that card to attack the second card. And so forth. By doing this, you can reduce your debt very rapidly. There was nothing in that plan about going into hardship programs.
By being in a hardship program, we are tying ourselves to a five year payout and we are thus indebted to “The Man” for a long, long time. To me, this just makes no sense, especially if we have extra money to pay down credit card debt. While I am some making extra money, I would like to pay balances down as rapidly as possible, get as much of this burden off of our shoulders as possible, and then go from there.
The way this makes me feel is choked. When I think about having a large credit card debt, even at a low interest rate, on my shoulders for a long, long time, I feel choked and smothering. It feels like the wind has been knocked out of me. It feels like you am in an elevator and the thing has stopped moving. Further, you hit the alarm and nothing happens. You are trapped. You don’t know if anyone knows about your situation or not. You are just stuck. This is a very intense feeling, at least an 8.
Another example would be when we were whitewater rafting and I went down. I was under for a long, long time. I probably swallowed a gallon of river water. I was completely sure I was going to die. That was a feeling of being choked, not being able to breath, not sure if you were going to make it or not.
Another example would be when we were indebted to the IRS for a million bucks. That felt the same way. Choking the life out of us. Making us feel trapped.
Another example is how it feels when someone is sitting on your chest. CSI calls this positional asphyxia. You can’t breathe because your chest is being compressed. I am not sure if you have had that experience or not, but I have. It feels terrible, and that is how our burden of credit card debt feels to me.
The 401K loan feels that way too, but there is nothing I can do about that until we file our taxes. I can pay down some of these credit cards though. I want to get the balances of as many cards as possible down to zero and then stop using them entirely. I have over $2,000 of balance available on the Chase card, and have not charged a penny on it BTW. Like I told you in that conversation, this is a brand new day, and you need to stop worrying about me charging up balances on credit cards. Nothing could tempt me to do that anymore than anyone could talk me into eating a 24 ounce porterhouse steak. I recognize poison when I see it now. And credit cards are poison, just as much as red meat is.
I want out of this box. I must get free. I must get out of this trap. I do not want to owe any more money to anyone at all, especially credit card companies. I want to just be out from underneath this burden. Free at last. Free at last.
You are probably coming pretty soon so I will close. You are my best friend and the love of my life. I will love you forever. You can trust in that. I am so into you, baby!
Love
Me
90/90
Dear LORD:
Be with us during the 90/90 writing and sharing period. This is a crucial period in the Retrouvaille process. Give us both your grace. Amen!
MDDL:
Your MEQ today was getting up, getting ready and wanting to go to breakfast. Your commitment to the Retrouvaille process is very strong. Thank you for your diligence!
Question 1: Why do I want to go on living?
The Howard J. Browning philosophy (life is grim, grim shit and the like) would argue that there is not any real reason to go on living. He did not himself end his own life (although he tried to talk me into doing it for him). However, he certainly motivated others around him, me included, to have the attitude that life was not worth living.
I have chosen a different path. Much of my life has been focused on the negative. Now, having read Eckhart Tolle, Stephen Cope and the like, I understand the reason why. The ego with its associated pain body feeds on the negative emotions. Positive emotions don’t really do much for the pain body. It far prefers the negative.
Howard Browning was certainly one of the most unconscious, insane, dysfunctional people I have ever known. It is doubtful he would have ever come to any measure of spiritual growth without the motivation of his impending death. His pain body must have been powerful! I have had lots of pain as well, much proximately caused by him and his nonsense. But while I have struggled with the pain and negative emotions from my past, I have also been open to the reality of another way that might lead to a better place. This is why I have been a spiritual seeker much of my life. Even before I found Christ, I was a reader of spiritual literature like Frank Herbert’s Dune, Carlos Castenada’s Conversations with Don Juan and the like. This eventually led me to the place where I am today.
So when I consider why I might want to go on living, there are many reasons that I can think of.
I enjoy my relationship with you first and foremost. It is a lot of work, sure, but it is also great fun and a joy to behold. I find you fascinating and fun to be with. Your feisty, spunky personality is engaging and cool. You are great in bed. You have a deep, personal relationship with God and you are interested in growing in that area. There are many aspects of your character that I find appealing and wonderful.
I also am developing a relationship with myself which is more agreeable than it has been in a long time. Through the work of personal transformation, I am becoming aware of aspects of my character that I had never known. I am also aware of the fact that I can change, grow and become something more than what I have been.
I like to use movies as an example of spiritual growth. One of the most spiritual movies in recent years is Pleasantville. In that film, you see the use of black and white versus color as a metaphor for spiritual reality. At the beginning of the movie all of the people in the film are in black and white. As they engage with life and become aware of their potential, they take on color. The black and white state is a symbol of the fact that their reality is flat and two-dimensional. When they assume colors then they have come to know the richness and multiplicity of life.
That is how it feels to me now. It is like the old Jeff, the tortured soul, living in a state of constant death, was black and white. When I read Eckhart Tolle on the plane on the way to Memphis Tennessee (having bought the book in Charlotte Airport), the world turned from black and white to color. I can’t describe it any other way. My Christian walk, the period of searching before that, all of it came into focus in an entirely new way.
It’s like I said to you once: The best spiritual literature gives you two strong, seemingly contradictory, impressions simultaneously:
I must confess something to you now. In our recent meeting with Don Meredith, you said that we were taking yoga only for exercise and not for the spiritual aspects. That was true for me at one time, but it is not true any longer. The spiritual side of yoga practice has become central for me.
When you said this, I understood why. The level of bigotry, ignorance and superstition of many Christians (particularly conservative fundamentalist evangelicals) towards yoga is well known. Ray and Debbie were deeply persecuted by their Christian friends during the period they practiced yoga. Eventually they stopped practicing as a result of this persecution. They are open to our practice because of their experience, but I can tell that they are ambivalent. On the one hand, they want us to reap the benefits they obtained from yoga (which surely included some of the benefits we have received as well). On the other hand, they know we will probably be rejected and persecuted by conservative Christians like Cari. Thus, they are conflicted.
I was in the same state at first, which is the reason why I avoided yoga for so long. After you suggested Bikram yoga before, I actually visited Naeda’s studio once, and checked it out (although I did not take a class). I was wearing orthodic inserts in my shoes at that time, so that was a problem. Anyway, I did not go down that path at the time, and most of this was due to the teachings I received from the Church regarding yoga.
But I can tell you that yoga, and especially Eckhart Tolle, have given me more insight into the Christian walk than I have received in years. It is like I understand the scriptures in an entirely new way, one which is experiential instead of intellectual. The “still small voice”? Yeah, I can hear that now. I totally understand that one. How about “take my yoke upon you for my yoke is easy and my burden is light”? Of course. The word “yoga” simply means “yoke”. They are one and the same word. The scripture concerning sowing and reaping from Galatians 3? I have told you how I understand that experientially in a completely different way now. There are dozens and dozens of other examples I could cite. In fact, I am considering rereading the bible (probably really reading it for the first time) simply because of this new insight that I have at this point into the mystical parts of the scriptures.
In one of my yoga classes I arrived early. Previously I had spent that time stretching and warming up. This time, I simply went into savasana and entered a deep state of relaxation (what I now understand to be meditation). Then when the class began, I simply remained in that state. That class was the most easy, relaxed, natural class I had had up to that point. I remained in that meditative state the entire time. When we got to final savasana, I entered a deep, profound level of relaxation and awareness. Every sound I heard was amazingly pronounced. It was like each sound was made out of crystal. My mind ceased its constant rambling, and I entered a state of profound stillness, focusing simply on the breath and my body. I could feel the life within my body like a vibration. I entered a state of total bliss, completely at peace, without care, worry or trouble. My focus was not on my past with its tortured state. Nor was it on my future with all the doubts, unmet potential, burdens and demands of this life. It was simply on the present moment. The state of Now, in which I felt each breath as an influx of life.
If this is meditation (yes, I will use that word), then I think that is an absolutely terrific thing and I want more of it. If this is a Zen state (even more edgy) then, fine. I can be a Christian and do that too. In fact, I believe now that what is profoundly broken and dysfunctional about the Christian church (surely one of the most insane, destructive institutions on our insane planet), is that more Christians are not doing more of this thing that they so profoundly reject.
I remember early in my Christian walk when we lived in Dallas and were going to Church on the Rock and Shady Grove Church and I was being influenced by people like Bob Larson. He was surely in a category of Christians who rejected meditative practice (including yoga) by labeling it as “demonic”. He believed that by emptying the mind and entering a meditative state that we were inviting demons to possess us. He actually told Christians to never empty or still their mind. They needed to stay firmly rooted in their foreground consciousness, as a protection against the influence of demons who would surely try to invade if the mind was stilled.
Based upon Eckhart Tolle, I now believe the exact opposite. If you read the chapter in A New Earth on the pain body, what Eckhart Tolle describes is exactly the same as demonic possession. This thing which is composed of our painful memories and hurts, is actually alive and wants to preserve its own existence. By being focused on the foreground consciousness (the ego), we remain in the state of dysfunction and insanity, and we actually strengthen the pain body and its hold on our lives.
Having listened to Bob Larson for years, I certainly would put him in the category of a very egoic, dysfunctional and insane person. Thus, in his terms, he was demonically oppressed. Possibly even possessed by his pain body. His depressing, guilt laden manner of relating to the world was certainly one of the most egoic I have ever known.
He would of course be violently offended by that comment. Whatever. This has been my experience. I was once much more oppressed, depressed, confused, and harassed than I am now. I actually have peace in my life much of the time. Yoga, with its meditative states, has given me that, and that is certainly a reason to live. If that gives my Christian friends a reason to doubt my faith, then so be it.
Question 2: I need your help specifically in my physical condition.
You have been amazingly, wonderfully supportive in the area of my physical condition. The fact that I am where I am today with my diet, yoga and so forth is due in no small part to your influence. You have always been completely supportive of me. I rely on that. Please keep doing that. I am sure you have no intention of stopping, but I just wanted you to know how much it means to me and how much I rely on it.
Right now I am completely miserable physically. Having said that, I am not letting it bother me too much. I know this weekend is important, and I am taking the time and effort to do the work. If this means we miss yoga for a day or two, that is a price I am willing to pay. But my body is definitely crying out for exercise. Sitting for the entire day in complete inactivity is something that I have not done in a long, long time. I need exercise. I need to sweat. My skin is killing me. I want to claw it off. My joints are also inflamed and sore. I am not sleeping well. You get the idea.
Maybe we can do yoga this evening after we get back to Todd and Patti’s house? I know you don’t want to stay for the mass. It should be plenty hot enough at that time of day. We could go out on Todd and Patti’s back porch and just go for it. That would surely help me greatly.
In terms of tomorrow, we are on the ground at about 4:30 p.m. local time, and there is a 6:30 p.m. class at Open Door. If you are up for it, we could head straight over there from the airport. After we get our luggage, and get to the car, it should be about right. Let me know if that works for you.
Long term, it is obvious that my body is going to require some maintenance. I need to stay on a strictly vegan diet. I go through waves of strictness and laxness, but the core stays the same: No meat, dairy, chicken, fish or such. As many whole foods (fresh fruits and vegetables, nuts, whole grains and beans) as possible. I should probably eliminate wheat and refined carbs again after we get back to the home base. That is hard to do while travelling.
In terms of exercise, nothing works better (or even remotely as well) as yoga. Yes, it is expensive and time consuming. But well worth it, as I have heard you say more than once. I want you to know how much I appreciate how supportive and positive you have been so far in this area. I love you so much for that. You are amazing. I also thrill at the changes to your body as a result of your yoga practice and diet changes. You are blossoming like a beautiful flower.
Question 3: Where do you think God should be in our relationship?
I am on a spiritual quest. That quest has as much to do with our relationship as it has to do with my own life. The two are related. I regard our relationship as a canvas upon which God paints the growth in life he wants for both of us to achieve.
As I told you last night, we are spiritually connected with a bond which He created. That bond is very, very strong and resilient. We might as well cooperate with it, because we will surely fail if we try to break it. Not that I would ever want to. I am completely devoted to you as my beloved wife. Even when we were separated, I ached for you every day. I remember sitting in the living room in our house in Chapel Hill with Jeanae crying and telling her how much I missed you. As angry as we both were it was inevitable that we would eventually be reunited. We are one together in a way which is completely impossible to break.
The fact that you were instrumental in guiding and steering me in the direction of yoga is an excellent example. Once I had found a form of exercise that you enjoyed doing as well, I was definitely going for that. I enjoy being with you so much in the practice room. When you look over at me during final savasana and I see the peace and joy on your face (as you did on Friday morning), that is priceless to me.
The bottom line is that God is very central to my understanding of what our relationship should be. Having said that, my relationship with God, and my understanding of what it means to even have a relationship with him is changing very fast. I think this is true for you as well. Once again, we are on a parallel path, a spiritual journey together. While these paths never converge (because we are still two distinct individuals) they also never diverge (because we are also one united being together). This is contradictory, but that is the nature of many mysteries. Free will versus predestination. The trinity. And so forth.
Question 4: What are the qualities that most attracted me to you?
As I looked over in the choir loft and saw you two rows down and a bit to my right at COTR that Wednesday night, the things that attracted me were:
Love,
Me
Be with us during the 90/90 writing and sharing period. This is a crucial period in the Retrouvaille process. Give us both your grace. Amen!
MDDL:
Your MEQ today was getting up, getting ready and wanting to go to breakfast. Your commitment to the Retrouvaille process is very strong. Thank you for your diligence!
Question 1: Why do I want to go on living?
The Howard J. Browning philosophy (life is grim, grim shit and the like) would argue that there is not any real reason to go on living. He did not himself end his own life (although he tried to talk me into doing it for him). However, he certainly motivated others around him, me included, to have the attitude that life was not worth living.
I have chosen a different path. Much of my life has been focused on the negative. Now, having read Eckhart Tolle, Stephen Cope and the like, I understand the reason why. The ego with its associated pain body feeds on the negative emotions. Positive emotions don’t really do much for the pain body. It far prefers the negative.
Howard Browning was certainly one of the most unconscious, insane, dysfunctional people I have ever known. It is doubtful he would have ever come to any measure of spiritual growth without the motivation of his impending death. His pain body must have been powerful! I have had lots of pain as well, much proximately caused by him and his nonsense. But while I have struggled with the pain and negative emotions from my past, I have also been open to the reality of another way that might lead to a better place. This is why I have been a spiritual seeker much of my life. Even before I found Christ, I was a reader of spiritual literature like Frank Herbert’s Dune, Carlos Castenada’s Conversations with Don Juan and the like. This eventually led me to the place where I am today.
So when I consider why I might want to go on living, there are many reasons that I can think of.
I enjoy my relationship with you first and foremost. It is a lot of work, sure, but it is also great fun and a joy to behold. I find you fascinating and fun to be with. Your feisty, spunky personality is engaging and cool. You are great in bed. You have a deep, personal relationship with God and you are interested in growing in that area. There are many aspects of your character that I find appealing and wonderful.
I also am developing a relationship with myself which is more agreeable than it has been in a long time. Through the work of personal transformation, I am becoming aware of aspects of my character that I had never known. I am also aware of the fact that I can change, grow and become something more than what I have been.
I like to use movies as an example of spiritual growth. One of the most spiritual movies in recent years is Pleasantville. In that film, you see the use of black and white versus color as a metaphor for spiritual reality. At the beginning of the movie all of the people in the film are in black and white. As they engage with life and become aware of their potential, they take on color. The black and white state is a symbol of the fact that their reality is flat and two-dimensional. When they assume colors then they have come to know the richness and multiplicity of life.
That is how it feels to me now. It is like the old Jeff, the tortured soul, living in a state of constant death, was black and white. When I read Eckhart Tolle on the plane on the way to Memphis Tennessee (having bought the book in Charlotte Airport), the world turned from black and white to color. I can’t describe it any other way. My Christian walk, the period of searching before that, all of it came into focus in an entirely new way.
It’s like I said to you once: The best spiritual literature gives you two strong, seemingly contradictory, impressions simultaneously:
- This is something you have always known, somehow. It resonates with your view of reality at a deep level. You have a sense of recognition.
- This is completely mind-blowing, a totally new paradigm, a new way of relating to reality. It completely blows away your notions about spiritual life. You are required to reexamine everything.
I must confess something to you now. In our recent meeting with Don Meredith, you said that we were taking yoga only for exercise and not for the spiritual aspects. That was true for me at one time, but it is not true any longer. The spiritual side of yoga practice has become central for me.
When you said this, I understood why. The level of bigotry, ignorance and superstition of many Christians (particularly conservative fundamentalist evangelicals) towards yoga is well known. Ray and Debbie were deeply persecuted by their Christian friends during the period they practiced yoga. Eventually they stopped practicing as a result of this persecution. They are open to our practice because of their experience, but I can tell that they are ambivalent. On the one hand, they want us to reap the benefits they obtained from yoga (which surely included some of the benefits we have received as well). On the other hand, they know we will probably be rejected and persecuted by conservative Christians like Cari. Thus, they are conflicted.
I was in the same state at first, which is the reason why I avoided yoga for so long. After you suggested Bikram yoga before, I actually visited Naeda’s studio once, and checked it out (although I did not take a class). I was wearing orthodic inserts in my shoes at that time, so that was a problem. Anyway, I did not go down that path at the time, and most of this was due to the teachings I received from the Church regarding yoga.
But I can tell you that yoga, and especially Eckhart Tolle, have given me more insight into the Christian walk than I have received in years. It is like I understand the scriptures in an entirely new way, one which is experiential instead of intellectual. The “still small voice”? Yeah, I can hear that now. I totally understand that one. How about “take my yoke upon you for my yoke is easy and my burden is light”? Of course. The word “yoga” simply means “yoke”. They are one and the same word. The scripture concerning sowing and reaping from Galatians 3? I have told you how I understand that experientially in a completely different way now. There are dozens and dozens of other examples I could cite. In fact, I am considering rereading the bible (probably really reading it for the first time) simply because of this new insight that I have at this point into the mystical parts of the scriptures.
In one of my yoga classes I arrived early. Previously I had spent that time stretching and warming up. This time, I simply went into savasana and entered a deep state of relaxation (what I now understand to be meditation). Then when the class began, I simply remained in that state. That class was the most easy, relaxed, natural class I had had up to that point. I remained in that meditative state the entire time. When we got to final savasana, I entered a deep, profound level of relaxation and awareness. Every sound I heard was amazingly pronounced. It was like each sound was made out of crystal. My mind ceased its constant rambling, and I entered a state of profound stillness, focusing simply on the breath and my body. I could feel the life within my body like a vibration. I entered a state of total bliss, completely at peace, without care, worry or trouble. My focus was not on my past with its tortured state. Nor was it on my future with all the doubts, unmet potential, burdens and demands of this life. It was simply on the present moment. The state of Now, in which I felt each breath as an influx of life.
If this is meditation (yes, I will use that word), then I think that is an absolutely terrific thing and I want more of it. If this is a Zen state (even more edgy) then, fine. I can be a Christian and do that too. In fact, I believe now that what is profoundly broken and dysfunctional about the Christian church (surely one of the most insane, destructive institutions on our insane planet), is that more Christians are not doing more of this thing that they so profoundly reject.
I remember early in my Christian walk when we lived in Dallas and were going to Church on the Rock and Shady Grove Church and I was being influenced by people like Bob Larson. He was surely in a category of Christians who rejected meditative practice (including yoga) by labeling it as “demonic”. He believed that by emptying the mind and entering a meditative state that we were inviting demons to possess us. He actually told Christians to never empty or still their mind. They needed to stay firmly rooted in their foreground consciousness, as a protection against the influence of demons who would surely try to invade if the mind was stilled.
Based upon Eckhart Tolle, I now believe the exact opposite. If you read the chapter in A New Earth on the pain body, what Eckhart Tolle describes is exactly the same as demonic possession. This thing which is composed of our painful memories and hurts, is actually alive and wants to preserve its own existence. By being focused on the foreground consciousness (the ego), we remain in the state of dysfunction and insanity, and we actually strengthen the pain body and its hold on our lives.
Having listened to Bob Larson for years, I certainly would put him in the category of a very egoic, dysfunctional and insane person. Thus, in his terms, he was demonically oppressed. Possibly even possessed by his pain body. His depressing, guilt laden manner of relating to the world was certainly one of the most egoic I have ever known.
He would of course be violently offended by that comment. Whatever. This has been my experience. I was once much more oppressed, depressed, confused, and harassed than I am now. I actually have peace in my life much of the time. Yoga, with its meditative states, has given me that, and that is certainly a reason to live. If that gives my Christian friends a reason to doubt my faith, then so be it.
Question 2: I need your help specifically in my physical condition.
You have been amazingly, wonderfully supportive in the area of my physical condition. The fact that I am where I am today with my diet, yoga and so forth is due in no small part to your influence. You have always been completely supportive of me. I rely on that. Please keep doing that. I am sure you have no intention of stopping, but I just wanted you to know how much it means to me and how much I rely on it.
Right now I am completely miserable physically. Having said that, I am not letting it bother me too much. I know this weekend is important, and I am taking the time and effort to do the work. If this means we miss yoga for a day or two, that is a price I am willing to pay. But my body is definitely crying out for exercise. Sitting for the entire day in complete inactivity is something that I have not done in a long, long time. I need exercise. I need to sweat. My skin is killing me. I want to claw it off. My joints are also inflamed and sore. I am not sleeping well. You get the idea.
Maybe we can do yoga this evening after we get back to Todd and Patti’s house? I know you don’t want to stay for the mass. It should be plenty hot enough at that time of day. We could go out on Todd and Patti’s back porch and just go for it. That would surely help me greatly.
In terms of tomorrow, we are on the ground at about 4:30 p.m. local time, and there is a 6:30 p.m. class at Open Door. If you are up for it, we could head straight over there from the airport. After we get our luggage, and get to the car, it should be about right. Let me know if that works for you.
Long term, it is obvious that my body is going to require some maintenance. I need to stay on a strictly vegan diet. I go through waves of strictness and laxness, but the core stays the same: No meat, dairy, chicken, fish or such. As many whole foods (fresh fruits and vegetables, nuts, whole grains and beans) as possible. I should probably eliminate wheat and refined carbs again after we get back to the home base. That is hard to do while travelling.
In terms of exercise, nothing works better (or even remotely as well) as yoga. Yes, it is expensive and time consuming. But well worth it, as I have heard you say more than once. I want you to know how much I appreciate how supportive and positive you have been so far in this area. I love you so much for that. You are amazing. I also thrill at the changes to your body as a result of your yoga practice and diet changes. You are blossoming like a beautiful flower.
Question 3: Where do you think God should be in our relationship?
I am on a spiritual quest. That quest has as much to do with our relationship as it has to do with my own life. The two are related. I regard our relationship as a canvas upon which God paints the growth in life he wants for both of us to achieve.
As I told you last night, we are spiritually connected with a bond which He created. That bond is very, very strong and resilient. We might as well cooperate with it, because we will surely fail if we try to break it. Not that I would ever want to. I am completely devoted to you as my beloved wife. Even when we were separated, I ached for you every day. I remember sitting in the living room in our house in Chapel Hill with Jeanae crying and telling her how much I missed you. As angry as we both were it was inevitable that we would eventually be reunited. We are one together in a way which is completely impossible to break.
The fact that you were instrumental in guiding and steering me in the direction of yoga is an excellent example. Once I had found a form of exercise that you enjoyed doing as well, I was definitely going for that. I enjoy being with you so much in the practice room. When you look over at me during final savasana and I see the peace and joy on your face (as you did on Friday morning), that is priceless to me.
The bottom line is that God is very central to my understanding of what our relationship should be. Having said that, my relationship with God, and my understanding of what it means to even have a relationship with him is changing very fast. I think this is true for you as well. Once again, we are on a parallel path, a spiritual journey together. While these paths never converge (because we are still two distinct individuals) they also never diverge (because we are also one united being together). This is contradictory, but that is the nature of many mysteries. Free will versus predestination. The trinity. And so forth.
Question 4: What are the qualities that most attracted me to you?
As I looked over in the choir loft and saw you two rows down and a bit to my right at COTR that Wednesday night, the things that attracted me were:
- I perceived that you were your own person and you did not take any shit from anyone. I like that about you. My mother was a complete carpet and I hated that about her. I wanted a woman who would stand up to me.
- I found you (and still find you) very physically attractive. I liked your coloring, your pale skin and blue eyes.
- I was attracted to your spirituality which I saw as very genuine. You were not going to COTR as a singles bar. You were more interested in God than you were in dating and men. That was very different from the other women in that church.
Love,
Me
HDIF about continuing to dialog this week?
Dear LORD:
Thank you for this weekend. It has been really great. I have loved being here with my sweetheart. She is such a treasure. Thank you for the opportunity for us to be here together. Amen!
MDDL:
Your MEQ was making love to me at the 90/90. That was awesome. When I walked in the door from getting ice and found you, I was blown away!
The way I feel about continuing to dialog this week is terrific! I am enjoying this process of dialog very much. We are fine tuning things like picking the questions. I like the idea of picking the questions at the end of each dialog session. We have been spending too much time writing as well. I like the discipline of keeping the writing to 10 minutes. I know I tend to write way too much. I think we can get much better at this and in the process improve our communication immensely.
The terrific feeling I have about dialoging this week is like the feeling you get eating a Popsicle on a very, very hot day. You know, when the sun is beating down and it is very hot and sticky. You get the Popsicle and you have to eat it really fast before it melts. You bend over while you are eating it so the melting part does not drip on you. It drips all over your face and fingers. Despite all of that, when you take a bite of the Popsicle, you have a terrific feeling of coolness. It is like your entire body goes “Ahhhhhhhhhh!”
The color is bright orange, like the color of a ripe tangerine. It is very strong, definitely a 10.
In terms of a shared memory, it would be like the day that I bought you the brand new Toyota Land Cruiser and you were very excited by having this new car. It was absolutely terrific! Beautiful leather, beautiful paint, gorgeous color, excellent stereo. Rode just perfect. Really, really terrific car. (I am so glad we don’t have that monstrous gas guzzler now, though!)
I am really looking forward to further dialoging with you this week. I hope you are as well.
Love,
Me
What can I do to bring about forgiveness and healing in our relationship? HDIFAMA?
Dear LORD:
Help me to become fully transformed into your image from glory to glory, reflecting fully the face of your son. Amen!
MDDL:
Your MEQ tonight was what you read to the group just now. That was very touching. I loved the part about our new beginning.
What I can do to bring about forgiveness and healing in our relationship is to forgive myself, to become fully Present in the moment, and to allow the transformation of my soul to complete itself.
I know that I have made little bitty baby steps so far in this process. But I feel the momentum building. The process of practicing yoga, being observant of my thoughts, watching my reactions and learning from them, and allowing the Watcher to temper those reactions, will eventually result in a complete healing in our relationship which I believe is yet to be fully realized.
As you said yesterday: “I’ll take care of me for you if you’ll take care of you for me.” By doing the things I describe above, I become fully human, perhaps for the first time in my whole life. This enables me to forgive myself, heal, and in the process to fully love you. You deserve no less.
The way I feel about this is very hopeful and optimistic. Like you said, a new beginning has begun. As I wrote to you in the poem I wrote today:
It Begins
I Am begins with a breath
continues with a glance
finishes with a sound
and returns again
Cycles upon cycles
weather of the soul
pouring forth into stillness
a torrent of thoughts
drenched with suchness
What began in obscurity
ends in clarity
the deep and powerful presence of life
I feel the clarity coming. I feel that deep and powerful presence of my own life within me. I feel that within you as well. The flow between us is very strong. We are returning to the source of that which Is, for there and there alone do we find ourselves. It is in that place as well that we see the face of God.
My optimistic and hopeful feeling is very, very strong, definitely a 10. It is like the feeling of a new morning on a clear spring day after the winter has just left and life is returning. It is also like seeing the life of a child blossom and grow, watching him or her learn to walk, gaining new strength and new abilities each day. The color is brilliant blue of a distant clear spring sky, capped over with the light of a new sun.
In terms of a shared memory it would be like when we got the Alaska job after my period of unemployment when we were living in the Dallas area, and we finally had an income sufficient to sustain our family. We had hope again. I had once again earned my self respect, as well as yours.
I will close now. I am completely fried, toasted, boiled, poached, broiled, and steamed. Pretty much cooked in other words. I hope they ring the bell soon. I want to come up to the room and be with you.
See you soon.
Love,
Me
What feeling do I have that I find most difficult to share with you? DYFF.
Dear LORD:
Help me to be completely open and honest with my sweetheart. Amen!
MDDL:
Your MEQ just now was laughing at my joke. I love to make you laugh!
The feeling that I have that I find most difficult to share with you (indeed the most difficult feeling that I have to deal with in my own heart) is my fear of death, dying and disease.
I dread my death. I dread the process of dying. I am afraid of being in pain. I am afraid of being sick and a burden on my family. I am afraid of losing my mind and faculties.
In recent years, as my health has declined and I have become more and more uncomfortable physically, I have dealt with this feeling day-to-day. It is not a good feeling. It is very strong at times. I have described to you before when I will wake up in the middle of the night , overcome by a feeling of dread and apprehension. That is my death, stalking me, hunting me, waiting to make the kill. He is not my friend. But he is a very close companion.
You must remember, for you have been with me through much of it, that death has been a close companion much of my life.
OK, let’s go through the litany.
First there was my father who was obsessed with death and made a point of creating as many near death experiences for himself and those around him as possible. Who according to his own estimation was personally responsible for the deaths of at least 10,000 human beings as a result of all of the bombing he did during his years at war. Who constantly was haunted by death, as I am.
Then there was my mother who he drove insane, who herself courted death, attempting suicide multiple times during my life. (I have honestly lost count.)
Then there was my sister at the age of 29 shooting herself with a 32 caliber pistol, fulfilling my father’s instructions.
Then there was my father, dying at the age of 64, 10 years older than I am today. I had to literally abandon him in favor of my mother as he lost his mind when the cancer ate away at his brain. Whose sole companion became a Baptist minister. The only word I have on the last few days of his life was from this man, a stranger to me, whose name I cannot even remember, but who took my place in comforting my father, a man I hated my entire life, during the last few hours of his life.
Then finally, again, was my mother, who I literally had to pull the plug on, figuratively speaking, by telling my brother not to take her to the hospital again, to simply “let her die”, thus becoming the proximate cause of her death as much as the cancer which ate her body up.
Is it any wonder after that litany of experiences that I view death and the process of dying in our current society with horror? That I would prefer suicide (I actually prefer the term euthanasia), while still whole, fully sane, capable of making my own decisions, and not a burden on my family, once the reality of the end is clear.
This was the way of all societies but ours until very recently. The horrifying way in which we allow the sick to linger is an invention of our modern medical industry nothing more. It is like the death of Sean I described earlier in which my parents for some insane reason (probably the cost) refused to put him down when his death was very obvious, and allowed him to whimper in pain until his final death. I swore at that point in my life (which actually I now realize was my first really close brush with death) that I would not do that to myself or to anyone I loved if I had a choice.
I have spoken many times about my desire to live 1,000 years. It is actually not a joke. I fear death so much I hold out in my mind the possibility of extending my life indefinitely through age reduction therapy, which may become available in about 20 to 30 years. That would allow you with your mind intact to rewind your age to young adulthood multiple times. Whether that will ever be a reality is debatable, but it is an insight into my own mind that I must construct such fantasies in order to function.
I seldom discuss this. I prefer not to. Death is never a pleasant subject. Suffice it to say, I am not at peace with my own death because I have seen too many deaths of those I love which were violent, tortuous, and long. My fear of death, and my unwillingness to accept it, is born out of experience.
You are here so I will close.
Love
Me
Name 3 specific instances when I felt closest to you. Describe the feeling in each instance in detail.
Dear LORD:
Thank you for our lives together as a couple. We have been through so much together. It is amazing the journey we have been on, and how far we have come. Be with us until the end, wherever that may lead. Amen!
MDDL:
Your MEQ just now was laying your hand across my shoulder. I love it when you touch me!
These are not just three separate instances, but three sets of instances. I think you will see what I mean.
The first set of instances was the birth of our three children. Being with you and watching you give birth to our babies was an amazing, life changing experience for me. I wish I could be privileged to be in the presence of birth again in my life, but I seriously doubt that will ever happen again. My gender works against me on that one. Being with you for our three children’s births was a privilege that I will always treasure.
The feeling that I had about you in each of these instances was one of admiration and respect. I was totally blown away at how much heart it took for you to give birth to three healthy babies. You did an incredible job every time. I gained such a huge measure of respect for you as a person at that point in our lives. I could never doubt your commitment to our family because of the way you were so responsible and involved in the beginning.
The second set of instances was the death of our parents, your father and my father and mother. It seems appropriately symmetrical to me that the first set of instances has to do with birth and the second set has to do with death. These are the two bookends that bracket our lives after all. However, when I stood next to you at your father’s funeral and watched the pallbearers put him into the crypt, looking on as you wept openly, I felt a spiritual connection to you like none other. In the same way, although the events of my parents’ deaths was terribly painful and difficult, and filled with stressful events like your conflict with my brother, Jim, still being there with you through those events brought about a deep and profoundly spiritual closeness. That would be my feeling, one of closeness and connection. I felt totally connected to you at that time, like there was no force in this life that could ever tear us apart.
The third event, and it is a single event this time, was our reunion, especially our time on the bench in Duke Garden. I felt wonderfully close to you at that time. The sexual tension, combined by the intense need for emotional intimacy, made that experience incredibly intense and powerful. My feeling at that time was one of unity. We were being reunited. What was for a while two was again one. I never spent another day from that day forward without wanting to be with you, and being in a state of aching for your presence.
I remember when we were separated the first time (when you broke up with me during our dating period), I had a vision in a dream. In that dream I saw our spiritual bond, what I interpreted as our “one fleshness”. In this dream, the bond changed in consistency during our relationship. When we first became involved with each other, it was thick and strong, like a rubber tire. Still flexible, but very, very strong and secure. It was also very tight around us, binding us very close. Later, when you left me, it became very thin and wispy, almost like a vapor. If you didn’t look very carefully, you could miss it. It was almost completely transparent and invisible.
But it was still there. And the LORD showed me in that dream, that even though the bond was very thin, it was very resilient. You could push on it, and it would simply stretch. There was no limit to it. It would not break. So even as thin and intangible as it was, it was still as strong as ever. It was simply a strength of a different type.
The day after that dream was November 17, 1984. That day, I made a verbal affirmation of my vision as I woke up and got into the shower. I said aloud that morning that we would be married one year from that day, a covenant which came to pass.
I see our relationship in the same manner today. We are spiritually connected. We are necessary to each other in order to accomplish the spiritual work that we must accomplish in this life in order to become the people we are meant by God to be. There is no escape from it. Never was, never will be. We might as well cooperate. I feel that still today. You are my mate, and I am yours. That is the way it is.
I suspect they are about to call time, so I will close now.
Love
Me
HDIF when you share your feelings with me? DYFF.
Dear LORD:
Thank you that you made us emotional creatures. So amazing! What are emotions anyway? It’s such a mystery. They seem more spiritual at times than soulish. Anyway, it was a really great idea, and I thank you for it.
MDDL:
Your MEQ today was the way you petted my face just now when you headed to the room. Very tender and loving!
The way I feel when you share your feelings to me is horny. It makes we want to come all over you. Yeah, I know that’s kind of strange. But there you have it.
This feeling is definitely a 10. I suppose it must be somehow related to the emotional flow that is going on between us. In terms of an example from nature, it would be like a horse mating. Have you ever seen that? It’s astounding. There is so much going on there, you can’t believe it. The best horse breeders still prefer to do it the old fashioned way.
In terms of an example from music it’s like the Lionel Richie song “Let’s Get it On.” You know that one? Great music to have sex by. Doesn’t last long enough though. The best music for sex to me is Pat Metheny in his more meditative moments. It’s like lighting the candles, making the room romantic, putting on some Pat, and then slipping naked between the sheets with your sweetheart.
In terms of a shared memory, remember when we made love recently, when you came and then I came inside you? Like I said at the time, full court press. All of the options. Fully loaded. That was a really great one. Lots of flow, of all sorts. Emotional, spiritual, and physical. All mixed up together in one big potent combination of love.
That is how I feel when you share your feelings with me. It makes me very hot for you. Can’t help it. Actually don’t want to change that about myself. I like that aspect a lot. I like the way we are together and I hope we keep being that way until we drop. Whether the kids like it or not. (None of their business anyway.)
I hope we can slip out of our room tonight sometime after everyone has gone to bed, sneak down to the pool, slip off the clothes and then make love in the water. Ooooooooohhhhhh! That sounds like sooooooo much fun!
You make me hot!
Love,
Me
How do I feel about writing letters to you this weekend?
Dear LORD:
Guide me in the process of dialog this weekend, and help me to be extra-special patient with my sweetheart.
MDDL:
Your MEQ today was that you showed compassion to me in my “child at the keyhole” experience, and the pain that caused me as a small child. It made me cry to hear you say that you thought that was a terrible thing to go though. I was truly touched.
I feel excited about writing letters to you this weekend. If my feeling was a physical sensation, it would be like the thrill of riding a really good rollercoaster: very exciting! On the scale of 1 to 10 my feeling of excitement is an 8. If my feeling of excitement was a color, it would be a bright, fire engine red, like the color of a snazzy sports car. An image of my feeling of excitement would be the night you can’t sleep before we are going on vacation to a really nice place, say Hawaii or Australia. You can’t go to sleep because you are too excited by the fun we are going to be having together in this wonderful place, and the fact that we are going to be together and away from the hassles and demands of our daily life. Using a shared memory to describe my excited feeling, it is like when we had chosen our new home in Chapel Hill, closed on the purchase and were moving into the house. We were really, really excited!
Love
Me
What are the strongest feelings I have experienced during our times of trouble? DYFF.
Dear LORD:
Thank you that we have come to the weekend. I am having a wonderful time. I blessed my heart to see my sweetheart weeping openly in the meeting as Todd and Patti described their story. Amen!
MDDL:
Your MEQ today was the wonderful way you made me laugh in our last dialog.
The strongest feelings I had during our times of trouble were being completely abandoned, hopeless and out-of-control.
My peak experience in my life is the “child at the keyhole” during the period while my mother was isolated by my father when I was seven. I realize in the wisdom of retrospection that I cleverly chose a woman and then I cleverly manipulated that woman, i.e., you, into helping me to recreate that situation. I suppose something inside of me needed to feel that again, so that I could go back to that stage in my life and regain a measure of hope and control.
I only know that I have felt that wound deeply my entire life, and the loss of control and support from the only person who loved me at that time was a devastating blow. The feeling I felt the night that I came home from the Hartsells, found you gone, and checked the accounts and found that they were drained, was identical to the feeling that I felt standing in front of that keyhole at the age of seven.
Of course, you could have done nothing else. I had subconsciously manipulated you into that position. My ego needed for you to do that. How else could I have experienced you coming back?
Just as my mother did. One day, she was simply there. We never discussed it, at least not until years later, and not without some measure of awkwardness. She was funny about it. She realized how much she failed me, and I am sure she felt terrible about it. My mother was a moral person after all. I cannot imagine the Hell she lived in being married to my father.
I am so sorry that I put you through that kind of Hell. I am not the person my father was. He was a terribly abusive and hostile person. I related to him as an angry god when I was small. He was simply arbitrary and always enraged. You never knew when he would snap. Then chaos would ensue. I did not adopt that side of his personality thank god.
I certainly did get the passive aggressive, hostile, slovenly side of him though. And I served that side of him up to you for years, forcing you to eat it, until it stuck in your throat. Once you had had a belly full, of course you left. Like I said, what else could you do?
My feeling about that time is, again, a feeling of hopelessness, abandonment, and loss of control. I suppose hopelessness is the strongest feeling. Like there is nothing I can do to fix this, it’s simply too big. Overwhelming. Beyond me. Completely hopeless.
In terms of an image it would be like being asked to pick up and move Mount Denali. You are told you have three days. Go for it. And if you don’t pull it off in that time, something terrible will happen. Say that you will lose your job, or possibly your child will be taken away. You look at that mountain and realize how impossible it is.
In terms of a shared memory, I suppose the best example I can think of is the trauma we went through with Apcom, Jerry Clawson and the lawsuit against us. A total lose-lose situation. Where there is no correct choice. Completely out of control. Hijacked by this crazy situation.
The color is grey. Dark, dark grey, the color of a thunderstorm on a dark stormy night, pregnant with potential for destruction and violence.
Love,
Me
Rereading the mask I wrote earlier, in what ways do I manipulate you in order to control you?
My mask is the mask of the smart ass, always right, college professor, know it all. I use this mask to control others. My primary motivation is to keep others at arm’s length. This is because of the pain that I have felt my entire life which is overwhelm, and yet familiar. If I were to let someone into my heart, then it might do two things: 1. It might reinjure the wound. This is unbearable. I have had this happen many times. It is very painful. 2. It might heal the wound. Since I am the wound, that would be unthinkable. Who would I be without this pain?
So I play the role of the SAARCPKIA in order to keep everyone, you included, at arm’s length, at a safe distance, outside of my emotional space. That keeps things in the mind, away from the heart, things of feelings, things of the spirit. It also keeps folks, yourself included, off center, off balance, and out of control of the conversation. If I can always be the clever, smart one in the conversation, then that way it will be easy for me to keep things from getting too close to the wound.
The way I feel about this is sad. I have spent much of my life as an emotional cripple. I actually tried to avoid emotional intimacy because I thought that was what I needed to survive. How terribly, terribly sad!
The feeling is like when my first dog, Sean, died when I was 12. How I loved that dog! He was a tri-color collie, black, white and gold. Gorgeous! He had an absolutely fantastic personality. Loyal, faithful, calm, loving, a wonderful animal. We lived in Arizona, a terrible place for a dog like that. We should have trimmed off his fur, but my parents didn’t do that for some reason. (They were terribly stupid about things like that.) He could not stay cool, and his kidneys failed and he died. They did not even put him down. I watched him suffer for hours before he finally died. I remember being there with Sean seeing him in pain, realizing how much he was hurting, wanting to help him. Wanting to be there for him. Knowing he had been there for me so many times in my life. But I was simply powerless to do anything about it. To this day, the memory of that wonderful dog can bring me to tears. That is how I feel about my wounded, tortured soul. As well as the people in my life who needed my emotional and spiritual support, yourself included.
The feeling of sadness is definitely a 10. It is very strong. The color is black, light the darkest ink. Like a room so dark you can’t see anything at all. You grope around in total darkness without any idea of where you are.
In terms of a shared memory I suppose the closest I could come to it would be the loss of Jasper. I felt terrible about that too. Jasper was such a wonderful bird in many ways. We did not do right by her. I feel badly about that. I wanted her to be well cared for, but she had so many issues. You and I were not doing well, and the stress of her screeching was definitely not a help. We isolated her down in the basement, and she became dysfunctional and started plucking. I really did love her though. When we buried her I cried like a baby and was terribly depressed for weeks. That is very similar to the way I feel about my wounded, tortured soul, and the way my mask has hurt the people in my life. I am terribly sorry and sad for all of this and wish I could do it all over. Of course, I cannot and must simply go on from here, making the choice to be emotionally and spiritually intimate with you now, and hope that I can make up the time which we lost in the early part of our marriage.
The ego with the pain body is such a bitch! It screws up so many relationships and lives. I hate it! Of course, that is the ego as well. At least now we know how to become truly intimate with each other. I love the way we are now. I know that I still fall back into the old patterns at times. I suppose I always will, a little.
The bell went off so I will join you now.
Love,
Me
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