Dear LORD:
Thank you that I have a good paying job that requires very little effort on my part and imposes a modest level of stress on my life. Please help me maintain an attitude of gratitude, submission and contentment with respect to this job. Show me what it is you want for me to do with the rest of my life. Amen!
Dearest Ruth:
Your MEQ today was noticing that I am doing a good job on picking up the kitchen. Encouraging words like that go a long way in helping me to feel loved by you. I am discovering that my love language is very much involved with words of affirmation. I appreciate and love your encouraging and supporting words.
The way I feel about my job right now is bored. The way I feel about what I want to do with the rest of my life is complicated, a stew of emotions.
Looking first at EMC. One the one hand, this job requires very little effort on my part. I have a team which basically does it for me. I am not sure how long this will last, but right now that is a very sweet thing. Today was typical. I was able to go to the 9 a.m. yoga class, come home and do some work. Later, I took a nap for about an hour. Then I did some more work. They were thrilled. After you got home, I knocked off and you and I have been "being together" ever since.
Pretty sweet for a Monday.
Compare that to NetApp where I was expected to be in the office everyday. I even got lectured by Rich Clifton about my "attendance record". He wanted me to "set an example". And all that happy horseshit. Chad on the other hand told me from the get-go that I could work from home every day as far as he was concerned. I have never been bothered about that stuff since Mike Wytenus exited the scene.
Certainly with Pat Healy away in Cork, I have no adult supervision. Once in a while I get some grumbling from folks who are obviously jealous, but that's it.
On the other hand this job is booooooorrrrrrrrrriiiiiiinnnnnnngggggg!!!! I have gotten so burned out on technology. I have been doing it for too long. This is my twentieth year in this business. I need to do something else.
Certainly that's the long term plan. I would love dearly to be in some form of business with you. But we need to get through our immediate financial issues before that can become a reality. So I need to cool my jets. I am trying to be as patient as I can with remaining at EMC for now and putting in my time, doing the work quarter by quarter, taking my fat salary and coming home to you and the kids.
If the travel was to ramp up (fortunately Pat is protecting me on that), then this job could go south really fast. But I don't see that happening anytime soon. As long as I am working for Pat I suspect that I will have about 1 trip per month, with you being able to come with on at least one trip in three. That means we are only apart two weeks per quarter, which is manageable. Painful for both of us, but still manageable.
It will rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllllllllllllyyyyyyyyyyyyy be sweet for us to be in California week after next. Oh! Oh! Oh! How I am looking forward to that. Yay!
In terms of EMC and my present job then, bored would be the word. It feels exactly like you are in an airport in another city somewhere and you have a really long connection. Nothing is wrong really, no delays or such. You simply got a bad deal when you booked the flight and now you have to sit on your butt and do nothing for several many hours watching the hands on the clock turn. You are stuck and you are simply going to be bored. Get used to it.
It is like the color battleship grey. A dull, lifeless color. Completely devoid of anything interesting. I should be engaging in certification study for example, but so far I have not been able to gin that up. (Maybe yoga will help with this. I know it is helping me with disciplined behavior generally.)
So bottom line on the rest of my life part of the question is I suppose the strongest feeling would be thwarted. Kind of like you have a really, really good word in Scrabble and you know that if you could just get it on the board you would nail this guy to the wall. But you have no place to play it and the board is really tight and tied up. You are like "shoot!" "dang!" "crap!" and can't seem to figure out a way to get that word out there. It is like that. Another picture is that it feels like I am groping around, arms outstretched, trying to find the door to the bathroom in the middle of the night. All the while I really, really have to pee.
What I am doing in the meantime is addressing my health concerns, learning as much as I can about things like yoga, vegan dieting, different types of alternative health techniques, and the like. I am in search of a new opportunity. In a similar way to the way that technology transformed my life in the 80s, I am looking for a way for the new technologies that are emerging now (relating to things like alternative health and green, sustainable, healthy diet) to transform my life and make a way for us to earn an income.
I do not know how this will turn out. That is frustrating and exciting at the same time. It promises to be a bit of a ride. Let's hang on and see where this takes us!
Love,
Me
Monday, April 28, 2008
Sunday, April 20, 2008
How did you feel about not being able to connect with each other after returning from Boston? HDIFAMA?
Dear LORD:
Thank you that Ruth and I are dialogging today. I have missed this aspect of our relationship that has become very important to me. We need to make this a priority. It is so important. Please gift us with the grace to do that.
MDDL:
Your MEQ today has been the way you have been using your "thank yous", "your welcomes", "I'm sorries", and "excuse mes". This has been a very noticeable change in your previous way of communicating. I think the negative example of Brenda is having an impact in your life. It makes my ears smile! I love our little sweetnesses together when this happens.
The way I felt about not being able to connect with each other after my return from Boston this Wednesday night was disconnected. I guess that goes without saying, but I cannot think of a better way to describe it. I felt disconnected from you. We worked through a very stressful conflict while I was in Boston (the miscommunication about my not responding immediately to your call on my cell phone), and eventually by telling you what was happening with me emotionally, we were able to connect on that one. However, the exchange (and the whole situation of Jeanae's participation in the play), was extremely stressful and emotional for both of us. Then all the work that we have had to do to get Jeanae's application to NCSA has been like another part time job for both of us.
I spent several hours on Friday and Saturday working on this. It's like it is sucking up all of our spare time.
Eventually, this will be over. Thank God. I am tired.
Then of course there was our mild conflict yesterday which we were eventually able to work through. Also somewhat stressful on both of us. I did enjoy the way you came back to me, though.
I need to be closely and intimately connected with you. That simply has not happened this week until now. Except for perhaps a few isolated moments (like when I connected with you about my emotional state while I was in Boston over the issue of Jeanae and the play). But when I travel, and when we are dealing with issues like Jeanae's education, frequently our relationship gets pushed onto the back burner.
That cannot happen any more. We need to make this a priority. We need to keep dialogging, connecting emotionally, and staying intimate and connected.
The way I feel about my answer is encouraged. I am glad that we are taking the time right now to be connected, to relate to each other emotionally, and to understand each other at the heart level. This is what I want with all my heart, and I am so glad that you are open to me in this way.
My feeling of encouragement is definitely a 10. I would describe it as like the color forest green, full of life and promise. It is like when you are on a hike in a beautiful forest, and you are coming close to the end of the trail. You are tired, but you realize that you are almost there, and you become very encouraged and energized to make a strong finish.
In terms of a shared experience, it is like the feeling of encouragement that I felt when you took the initiative to look for a job and landed it. That was amazing to me! I was so proud of you! You are an amazing, wonderful woman!
Know that I love you deeply and truly, that you are the only woman in the whole wide world that I will ever love, and that you are my heart.
Love,
Me
Thank you that Ruth and I are dialogging today. I have missed this aspect of our relationship that has become very important to me. We need to make this a priority. It is so important. Please gift us with the grace to do that.
MDDL:
Your MEQ today has been the way you have been using your "thank yous", "your welcomes", "I'm sorries", and "excuse mes". This has been a very noticeable change in your previous way of communicating. I think the negative example of Brenda is having an impact in your life. It makes my ears smile! I love our little sweetnesses together when this happens.
The way I felt about not being able to connect with each other after my return from Boston this Wednesday night was disconnected. I guess that goes without saying, but I cannot think of a better way to describe it. I felt disconnected from you. We worked through a very stressful conflict while I was in Boston (the miscommunication about my not responding immediately to your call on my cell phone), and eventually by telling you what was happening with me emotionally, we were able to connect on that one. However, the exchange (and the whole situation of Jeanae's participation in the play), was extremely stressful and emotional for both of us. Then all the work that we have had to do to get Jeanae's application to NCSA has been like another part time job for both of us.
I spent several hours on Friday and Saturday working on this. It's like it is sucking up all of our spare time.
Eventually, this will be over. Thank God. I am tired.
Then of course there was our mild conflict yesterday which we were eventually able to work through. Also somewhat stressful on both of us. I did enjoy the way you came back to me, though.
I need to be closely and intimately connected with you. That simply has not happened this week until now. Except for perhaps a few isolated moments (like when I connected with you about my emotional state while I was in Boston over the issue of Jeanae and the play). But when I travel, and when we are dealing with issues like Jeanae's education, frequently our relationship gets pushed onto the back burner.
That cannot happen any more. We need to make this a priority. We need to keep dialogging, connecting emotionally, and staying intimate and connected.
The way I feel about my answer is encouraged. I am glad that we are taking the time right now to be connected, to relate to each other emotionally, and to understand each other at the heart level. This is what I want with all my heart, and I am so glad that you are open to me in this way.
My feeling of encouragement is definitely a 10. I would describe it as like the color forest green, full of life and promise. It is like when you are on a hike in a beautiful forest, and you are coming close to the end of the trail. You are tired, but you realize that you are almost there, and you become very encouraged and energized to make a strong finish.
In terms of a shared experience, it is like the feeling of encouragement that I felt when you took the initiative to look for a job and landed it. That was amazing to me! I was so proud of you! You are an amazing, wonderful woman!
Know that I love you deeply and truly, that you are the only woman in the whole wide world that I will ever love, and that you are my heart.
Love,
Me
Sunday, April 6, 2008
What is your vision for our marriage and life together. HDIFAMA?
Dear LORD:
Thank you so much for your guidance and support with Patti today on the phone. That was so great! It is such a covering for us to have Patti give us her input about where we should go in the Retrouvaille community at this point. Be with us as we attend Retrouvaille CORE next week. Help us to see clearly what is the situation in that community and if it your will for us to be a part of that group. If not, please show us a way to be involved in Retrouvaille without being so involved in the Catholic Church. Amen!
MDDL:
Your MEQ today was the wonderful conversation we had after your little conflict with Jeanae and the way we worked through that. It was great!
My vision for our relationship is that it be a testament to the work of the Spirit in our lives, and that the institution of Christian marriage can be a vital and living thing even in this day and age. Marriage is under attack. We all know that. Between the media and the other forces tearing it down as well as the liberal agenda to establish gay and lesbian marriage, the whole idea of marriage is becoming threatened. I even heard a piece on NPR recently someone seriously suggested abolishing the institution altogether. After all, the vast majority of children in black communities have no idea what marriage is all about, and Latinos are not much better.
I want for us to be so strong in our marriage that people seek us out to ask us how we do it. They come to us. We don't have to go to them. Our reputation as a married couple is that strong.
There is a movie that illustrates this very well. The name of this movie is In Good Company. Dennis Quaid plays a father and husband in a family where Scarlett Johansson is the daughter. She is going off to college. He is working for a sports magazine which is taken over by a big conglomerate, and in the process his job is threatened. A much younger man (actually his daughter's age) is brought in to be his boss. The Dennis Quaid character is demoted.
In the process, he gets to know his new boss very well (played brilliantly by Topher Grace). The boss character is from a broken home, typical for our day and age. He is enchanted when he comes over to the home of Dennis Quaid for dinner. He can't believe it that someone has actually pulled this off.
I won't give away too much of the plot, as you will undoubtedly want to see this film. It is one of the most inspiring and family promoting Hollywood movies in the past few decades. Suffice it to say, when the boss character is asked derisively by one of his cohorts "Do you want to end up like him?" (referring to Dennis Quaid), he turns to him, turns back and says "Yeah, that would be fine with me." He was so inspired and challenged (in a good way) by the simple family life of this very ordinary man that he was willing to give up everything: His job, his fortune, his career, to throw in his lot with him.
That's what I want for people to do with us. See in us something so extraordinary that they are attracted by it. To the point where they would say in response to the question "Would you want to end up like Jeff and Ruth Browning?": "Yeah, that would be fine with me."
And I want that to be a natural outgrowth of the life we live. Not that it will not require work and dedication. Not that it will be without challenges and difficulties. Not that we will not have pain. I know we will. But I am so committed and dedicated to this marriage we share that I will do whatever it takes to make that happen. I want that so badly.
The way I feel about my answer is hopeful. I have used this example before (although we have not prohibited the reuse of an example in a letter yet: only in the reflection part of the dialog, so hopefully this is OK.) But a shared experience would be when you called me from Baton Rouge. I was so hopeful after that call. I was like: This could be it! This could be the end of this struggle. This could be the beginning of something new! My feeling of hopefulness is a 10 for sure. Maybe more than a 10. It is a bright, peachy orange of a gorgeous sunset. With pink highlights reflecting off the clouds.
I am desperately and deeply in love with you. You are the love of my life, and you always will be.
Love,
Me
Thank you so much for your guidance and support with Patti today on the phone. That was so great! It is such a covering for us to have Patti give us her input about where we should go in the Retrouvaille community at this point. Be with us as we attend Retrouvaille CORE next week. Help us to see clearly what is the situation in that community and if it your will for us to be a part of that group. If not, please show us a way to be involved in Retrouvaille without being so involved in the Catholic Church. Amen!
MDDL:
Your MEQ today was the wonderful conversation we had after your little conflict with Jeanae and the way we worked through that. It was great!
My vision for our relationship is that it be a testament to the work of the Spirit in our lives, and that the institution of Christian marriage can be a vital and living thing even in this day and age. Marriage is under attack. We all know that. Between the media and the other forces tearing it down as well as the liberal agenda to establish gay and lesbian marriage, the whole idea of marriage is becoming threatened. I even heard a piece on NPR recently someone seriously suggested abolishing the institution altogether. After all, the vast majority of children in black communities have no idea what marriage is all about, and Latinos are not much better.
I want for us to be so strong in our marriage that people seek us out to ask us how we do it. They come to us. We don't have to go to them. Our reputation as a married couple is that strong.
There is a movie that illustrates this very well. The name of this movie is In Good Company. Dennis Quaid plays a father and husband in a family where Scarlett Johansson is the daughter. She is going off to college. He is working for a sports magazine which is taken over by a big conglomerate, and in the process his job is threatened. A much younger man (actually his daughter's age) is brought in to be his boss. The Dennis Quaid character is demoted.
In the process, he gets to know his new boss very well (played brilliantly by Topher Grace). The boss character is from a broken home, typical for our day and age. He is enchanted when he comes over to the home of Dennis Quaid for dinner. He can't believe it that someone has actually pulled this off.
I won't give away too much of the plot, as you will undoubtedly want to see this film. It is one of the most inspiring and family promoting Hollywood movies in the past few decades. Suffice it to say, when the boss character is asked derisively by one of his cohorts "Do you want to end up like him?" (referring to Dennis Quaid), he turns to him, turns back and says "Yeah, that would be fine with me." He was so inspired and challenged (in a good way) by the simple family life of this very ordinary man that he was willing to give up everything: His job, his fortune, his career, to throw in his lot with him.
That's what I want for people to do with us. See in us something so extraordinary that they are attracted by it. To the point where they would say in response to the question "Would you want to end up like Jeff and Ruth Browning?": "Yeah, that would be fine with me."
And I want that to be a natural outgrowth of the life we live. Not that it will not require work and dedication. Not that it will be without challenges and difficulties. Not that we will not have pain. I know we will. But I am so committed and dedicated to this marriage we share that I will do whatever it takes to make that happen. I want that so badly.
The way I feel about my answer is hopeful. I have used this example before (although we have not prohibited the reuse of an example in a letter yet: only in the reflection part of the dialog, so hopefully this is OK.) But a shared experience would be when you called me from Baton Rouge. I was so hopeful after that call. I was like: This could be it! This could be the end of this struggle. This could be the beginning of something new! My feeling of hopefulness is a 10 for sure. Maybe more than a 10. It is a bright, peachy orange of a gorgeous sunset. With pink highlights reflecting off the clouds.
I am desperately and deeply in love with you. You are the love of my life, and you always will be.
Love,
Me
What is the most important value in our relationship and does my behavior reflect that value? HDIFAMA?
Dear LORD:
Thank you for Retrouvaille. Thank you for the couples who are here. Be with Scott and Karey in their pain. Help them to heal. Touch Scott’s heart and cause him to turn to you. Thank you that my wife is here with me. Be with her as we dialog together. Help me to touch your heart in the area of our marriage.
MDDL:
Your MEQ today was the amazing story that you told me in the car on the way here. I loved the look into your past, and further understanding of you as a person. You certainly went through a terrible time in your education. I admire and respect you so much for having become the amazing person you are today in spite of these difficult issues.
The most important value in our relationship to me is Spirit. I would want for our marriage to reflect and mirror the Spirit of God in a way that people stand amazed that such a miraculous and godly marriage could exist in this dark time.
In terms of whether my behavior reflects this value, I would say honestly that it does so imperfectly. I strive daily to find a way to connect with you in the area of Spirit. My spiritual life is much more organic and less formal than many other Christians I know. Sometimes that can be an excuse for me to be a bit lazy. At the same time, given what we have to deal with, I do not want to raise high performance expectations. (We certainly dealt with performance oriented Christianity enough in the past to last us for the rest of our lives.)
The way I feel about my answer is dissatisfied. I am not satisfied with where we are presently in our marriage in the area of spiritual life. I suspect that that is a good thing. I have aspirations to be more. Being more cannot be a work of my flesh or something like that. It must itself be a work of the spirit. We need to pray together to figure out what that would look like and how we can become the couple God wants for us to be.
In terms of a shared experience it would be like how we felt when we were searching for a church home and ended up at Grace. Very dissatisfied with Grace, but at the same time committed to it because: A. We have nothing better at present; and B. We have many relationships that center around that organization. So Grace is certainly not what I want in terms of a church home, but it is what we have now. I have aspirations for more, but do not clearly see the direction to get there.
My feeling is about an 8. I will finish now, since we are under time constraints.
Love,
Me
Thursday, April 3, 2008
HDIF about what happened with Jeanae yesterday? DYFF.
Dear LORD:
Help Ruth and I with Jeanae. She is a challenge and a handful. We are struggling with her education, and need your strong hand of guidance and comfort. Please be with us in the midst of this trial.
MDDL:
It's kind of early for you to have an MEQ yet. You were cute when you got up, though. All sleepy and kind of cuddly. Last night your MEQ was the cute little dance you did when you got your interview with the Refectory Cafe. I am so proud of you for following through on that!
The way I feel now about what happened last night is pretty good. We had some stressful points in the discussion last night, no question. But it ended up OK. I did have to work through it with Jeanae. I didn't feel like we really worked through it completely though. Maybe that's what we are trying to do now.
The episode started with dinner at Whole Foods last night. You gave me the WNTT message. You might want to come up with a different way of saying that. WNTT is a hot button for me, similar to my use of the word "edgy" for you. I always get very stress out when you say "We need to talk". Anyway, I could tell that you were concerned, frustrated, and somewhat burned out on the issue of Jeanae at dinner.
I could relate, to be honest.
When I got home, I immediately engaged with Jeanae and while we were in the process of discussing the issue, you came in. Things got out of hand pretty quickly at that point. I made every effort to support you (and certainly not to undermine you) in that conversation. I felt like I ended up in trouble anyway. I am often mystified of how I with a heart full of good intentions can end up on the wrong side of your emotions, but that was certainly the case last night. I was frustrated by this. I was trying very hard to do exactly what you needed me to do in that situation: Engage with our daughter and help her to come to a state of peace and tranquility about the challenges of her education. It was a classic "damned if I do, damned if I don't" situation for me. Having waded in, and doing the best I could, I ended up in trouble anyway.
I resolved at that point to not react, and simply let things cool down. Eventually, Jeanae came down, and her affect was mostly that she was concerned about the two of us. (My response: "OK is such a strong word. But I am sure your Mom and I will be fine.") At that point she crawled into my lap and we worked through the issue together.
I am not sure what I did to resolve the issue, honestly, but she seemed to appreciate it very much. I ended up being the local hero, much to my surprise, as well, I am sure, to yours.
So in the end, Jeanae was OK. Are you OK? I asked you last night and you said that you were.
I guess my strongest feeling would be tentative. Please accept that I am a basically good man full of love and good intentions towards you and our daughter, doing the best I can in a fairly challenging situation. The dynamics of Jeanae combined with the care and feeding of our new found love is often challenging and complex. It certainly was last night. I humbly apologize for anything which I did to offend you. You are the love of my life, and my highest priority. You are the center of my heart. My goal is to make things as easy and simple for you as possible.
My feeling of tentativeness is not terribly strong, maybe a 4 or 5. I have basically gone on, but I am still a bit confused by our conflict last night. In terms of a shared experience, I could choose any number of confusing and strange conflicts during the pre-separation stage of our relationship in which I would try to do the right thing and end up in trouble.
In that case, I often reacted and shut down. I didn't do that last night. Maybe that's a sign of change.
Know that I love you, that my love for you is strong, secure, deep, wide, tall, broad, and everlasting.
Love,
Me
Help Ruth and I with Jeanae. She is a challenge and a handful. We are struggling with her education, and need your strong hand of guidance and comfort. Please be with us in the midst of this trial.
MDDL:
It's kind of early for you to have an MEQ yet. You were cute when you got up, though. All sleepy and kind of cuddly. Last night your MEQ was the cute little dance you did when you got your interview with the Refectory Cafe. I am so proud of you for following through on that!
The way I feel now about what happened last night is pretty good. We had some stressful points in the discussion last night, no question. But it ended up OK. I did have to work through it with Jeanae. I didn't feel like we really worked through it completely though. Maybe that's what we are trying to do now.
The episode started with dinner at Whole Foods last night. You gave me the WNTT message. You might want to come up with a different way of saying that. WNTT is a hot button for me, similar to my use of the word "edgy" for you. I always get very stress out when you say "We need to talk". Anyway, I could tell that you were concerned, frustrated, and somewhat burned out on the issue of Jeanae at dinner.
I could relate, to be honest.
When I got home, I immediately engaged with Jeanae and while we were in the process of discussing the issue, you came in. Things got out of hand pretty quickly at that point. I made every effort to support you (and certainly not to undermine you) in that conversation. I felt like I ended up in trouble anyway. I am often mystified of how I with a heart full of good intentions can end up on the wrong side of your emotions, but that was certainly the case last night. I was frustrated by this. I was trying very hard to do exactly what you needed me to do in that situation: Engage with our daughter and help her to come to a state of peace and tranquility about the challenges of her education. It was a classic "damned if I do, damned if I don't" situation for me. Having waded in, and doing the best I could, I ended up in trouble anyway.
I resolved at that point to not react, and simply let things cool down. Eventually, Jeanae came down, and her affect was mostly that she was concerned about the two of us. (My response: "OK is such a strong word. But I am sure your Mom and I will be fine.") At that point she crawled into my lap and we worked through the issue together.
I am not sure what I did to resolve the issue, honestly, but she seemed to appreciate it very much. I ended up being the local hero, much to my surprise, as well, I am sure, to yours.
So in the end, Jeanae was OK. Are you OK? I asked you last night and you said that you were.
I guess my strongest feeling would be tentative. Please accept that I am a basically good man full of love and good intentions towards you and our daughter, doing the best I can in a fairly challenging situation. The dynamics of Jeanae combined with the care and feeding of our new found love is often challenging and complex. It certainly was last night. I humbly apologize for anything which I did to offend you. You are the love of my life, and my highest priority. You are the center of my heart. My goal is to make things as easy and simple for you as possible.
My feeling of tentativeness is not terribly strong, maybe a 4 or 5. I have basically gone on, but I am still a bit confused by our conflict last night. In terms of a shared experience, I could choose any number of confusing and strange conflicts during the pre-separation stage of our relationship in which I would try to do the right thing and end up in trouble.
In that case, I often reacted and shut down. I didn't do that last night. Maybe that's a sign of change.
Know that I love you, that my love for you is strong, secure, deep, wide, tall, broad, and everlasting.
Love,
Me
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