How do you feel that our new arrangement for handling the children is working out? DYFF?

Dear LORD:

Be with Ruth and me as we forge a new relationship with our children. Help us to remain the example of godly parents and a godly married couple to our children. Keep our testimony to them sincere and unadulterated by the world. Help us to walk the line between being relevant and being worldly. Give us a way to show them the way. Amen!

Dearest Ruth:

Your MEQ today was taking care of the HP printer. You did so very cheerfully, although that item was on my plate, and I had not gotten it done. You were awesome! I appreciate everything you do for me and our family!

The way I feel about our new arrangement for handling the children is great! I am functioning as the children's father for the first time in a long time, maybe ever.

Samuel was amazing tonight. When presented with the opportunity for me to bail him out of his ticket situation he refused. He took responsibility for that ticket although he did not have a handle on how to solve it at that point. He is refusing to rely on my good graces too much. I regard this as a very positive thing for Sam. He could become a dependent child, and I want him to avoid that, and to become fully independent. He is aware that he is exposed in the situation with his license right now, and he is working very hard to become able to handle that on his own.

I am willing to help Sam out but welcome the fact that he wants to do this without me. I pray (please LORD!) that he will be successful in that.

In terms of Jon, he has taken responsibility for looking for his car. He relied up on me heavily last week and earlier this week to do that. When I talked to him about how much his payment was going to be, he seemed to realize that he was going to have to work on this. He came up with a very reasonable car for himself tonight. I was very proud of him as well.

Jeanae is the the current problem child. She has regressed a bit in the area of her dress. When she came home from school on Monday she looked like a call girl. She had on a pair of stacked high-heel boots, a very tight pair of pants, and a very stylish top. I do not know what she looked like today, but she is definitely not being the New Modest Jeanae she was a few months ago. I think a bit of rebellion against the rules of CCS is going on. She wants to push her limits, clearly. She needs to take the yoke, do it as unto the LORD, and stop kicking against the goads. I will talk to her on this issue when I get back tomorrow.

I love all of our children very, very much. I want to be the father, priest, and spiritual leader that they need. I am a broken, sinful man, but I have Y'Shua living inside me. Hallelujah! I can do all things through the Messiah who strengthens me!

So, again, the way I feel about the kids right now is great. I know we face some challenges. But I am ready to handle them, now more fully than ever because I have you with me. I love you and I know that I rest in your love, and the love of Y'Shua through you. I feel equal to the task. I feel adequate in the Messiah. He is my strength. I am filled with confidence, assurance, and peace that He can do it all!

Love,
Me

How do I feel about us being apart for a couple of days? DYFF?

Dear LORD:

Be with Ruth and me as I go on this business trip. Help us to remain as connected and intimate as always. Help me not to be depressed and lonely without her. I have gotten sooooo attached to her! Help Ruth and Jeanae build their relationship further together in my absence.

Dearest Ruth:

Your MEQ today was being very fetching in the nude in the bathroom when I came in there from helping Jeanae with her homework. Wonderful!

The way I feel about being in Atlanta is depressed and lonely. Also empty. I really hate traveling without you. Can we arrange that I do not have to do this anymore?

I think having a traveling job would be fun if you could go with me on all, or at least nearly all, of my trips. I would not want to be gone 80% of the time even then. A week or two a month is plenty. I would want it to be heavy on international travel. That way we could join the 1 mile club on lots of international flights. And you would get to see lots of interesting places. I have had the chance to do that, but you have not had as much of a chance as I have. I think it would be fun for us to be together in Europe, Asia, South America and so forth, to see the way other people live and appreciate their culture. It really gives you a unique perspective.

I would love that! Wow! That would be really cool. When I think about you and I traveling together and having that experience together, get really excited.

I just do not want to travel without you though. A couple of days is my limit for sure. I think I told you I pushed back on a trip next month. I did not want to go there. It would have been three more days. In Hopkinton no less. What a desert! Nothing there to do except eat and sit in your hotel room! Blah!

So I am tending to become very scratchy when my manager tells me to get on a plane and go somewhere without you for an extended period. Now Sunil is talking about having the Q1 planning meeting in Bangalore. Fortunately, it will probably not happen for budget reasons. It would cost a fortune for us to get the team over there. Although it probably would be a good idea. However, I would certainly not want to go there without you. It would be for a couple of weeks at least. You can't really travel to India for less than that. It is another 20 hour around-the-world trip. You can literally go home in either direction and it take exactly the same amount of time. Either via Frankfurt going East or via Hong Kong going West. Six of one, half a dozen of the other. I would take 2 days just getting there.

If you wanted to go, I would love to try to do it. It would be somewhat expensive. But we could spend at least one night in each location on the outbound and return trips. I really like to spend 24 hours in Frankfurt. It is a really nice town.

So, my bottom line is that I miss you terribly. I love you dearly. And I want to be with you. When you described your evening to me today, that sounded sooooo good to me! I was jealous! I wanted to do that instead of what I am doing.

Oh well.

I feels hauntingly familiar. Just like it used to feel when I was on a business trip before. I would get out to some anonymous location where no one knows me. Where I get no hugs. And there I would be. Alone and lonely. Missing you. If anything I miss you more now. Then our relationship was way, way more stressful than it is now. I just want to be with you, hold you, kiss you, make sweet, sweet love to you, and hang out with you, cuddle with you. You get the idea. I am crazy about you!

Love,
Me

How do I feel about our involvement in Vintage 21?

Dear LORD:

Thank you for your wisdom and direction to Vintage 21. Build us fully into the body there. Help us to become more connected. Show us how to introduce Retrouvaille to that community. Amen!

Dearest Ruth:

Your MEQ today was being cuddly in the meeting at Vintage 21. It was wonderful being in the meeting with you. I loved it very much.

My feelings about Vintage 21 are various. On the one hand, I am very hopeful and pumped about Vintage 21. There were many things about the meeting today that I thought were very wonderful. I think it is great for example that Jeanae loves it there. I very much enjoyed our home meeting last Monday night and am looking forward to the meeting tomorrow night very much as well. I would also like to pursue the Owners night which is Tuesday, if you are interested. Let me know if you think I am going too fast. I tend to do that sometimes.

On the other hand, I am a bit concerned that we have yet to get to know any of the members outside of the context of a formal meeting. I was trolling for a lunch date today, but that did not happen. The only folks we knew there today were Collin and Holly, and he turned me down flat for lunch. (He said they had a neighbor that they were ministering to.)

I want to be involved in a loving community of Christians who are followers and lovers of Y'Shua. That requires more connection than just a meeting on Sunday and a home meeting once a week. I want to be involved in their lives in a much more tangible and intimate way than just that. Maybe that will begin to happen soon.

I do like the culture though. The music today was superb. I thought Tyler's message was also excellent. It is pretty close to what I am looking for. I got another positive reassurance from the LORD today when I spoke to Tyler and asked him if he knew about ERM. He said yes, he has read several of his books, and has even had lunch with him. While he did say he has some areas of disagreement with ERM, they are trivial, and for the most part he is on board with ERM in the main thrust of his ministry. Also, when I said that what he has come up with was very similar to Mosaic in LA, he smiled broadly, and said he regarded that as high compliment. This means that the LORD has actually led us to a church very similar to Mosaic, which is exactly what I have been praying for.

So, in the main, I am pumped, excited and hopeful. At the same time, I am impatient. The pumped and excited is way, way stronger than the impatient is. It is kind of like the feeling you get when you go to a really great football game, and you watch the last touchdown be scored by your team to win the game. You are totally pumped! That's how I feel. Very excited! It am really looking forward to engaging with God's children again for the first time in many years.

Love,
Me

Is there anything that I could do to make your life easier and more pleasant? HDIFAMA?

Dear LORD:

Help me to know how to love Ruth fully and completely, with my whole being, as she deserves to be loved. Thanks so much for her. She is a precious gift that I treasure. Amen!

Dearest Ruth:

Your MEQ today was listening to me chatter away without ever changing the subject or wavering in your attention to me. It was wonderful just talking to you. I like hanging out with you, just being together and chillin'. Great fun!

You are doing so many things to make my life easier and more pleasant. It is hard for me to know what else to ask for. I guess I would say more of the same: Be responsive to me sexually is a huge factor. You have completely revolutionized my life in the area of sex. I cannot tell you how fundamentally this has changed my heart. You are amazing to me.

Honestly, it is difficult. Let's see. Hmmmm.

OK, I've got one. Go to the gym with me. Yeah, that would be one.

Let's make a date to go check out the new gym. As we figured out today, my body really likes strenuous exercise. And to tell you the truth, it's not a lot of fun. Like I've told you before, my working out on an exercise machine for 30 minutes is slightly more fun than getting my teeth drilled. It's the effect on my body that I am going for. It makes my whole body seem to work better and be happier if I do this fairly regularly. I feel like it is a married single activity though. That's why I want to try to sneak it in at a time when you are working or such things. If I could ever get you to go with me on a regular basis, that would be soooooooo great!

I really don't want to do it by myself honestly. Maybe that's unrealistic, but that would be a secret wish.

I guess ditto on riding the bike. I am happy and contented when I am riding the bike. It is a gentle, non stressful form of exercise, involving minimal pounding. You get to see cool stuff. You have a couple of really great bikes. So if we could get that going it would be great as well.

Basically, I want to combine a couple of things I really like, i.e. biking and working out (not that that is much fun honestly, but it feels really good when I am done) with someone I really love, i.e. you, my beautiful and lovely wife.

I promise to not be demanding about this, though. If you could try to be involved, then great. But I will not make the mistake of becoming a nudge ever again. (Or if I do, just remind me and I will apologize immediately!)

How I feel about this is a bit sheepish to tell you this, because you have made so many huge changes for me in the area of our marriage, communications and sex life. So again, if you do not do these things please understand that I will totally understand and appreciate what you have done. But you asked, so there you have it.

It's kind of like when you are put in a position to receive an award of something like that. You feel a bit sheepish, at least I do. Especially if it is in front of a whole bunch of people.

Or maybe you have been asked to share something painfully personal about yourself to a group of relative strangers. So you feel kind of sheepish.

A little bashful in other words.

Not a huge feeling. Maybe a 3. Hoping you will receive this. Not sure you will. But loving you no matter what.

I love you with an undying love which knows no bounds or limits and is grounded in the love of Y'shua!

Love,
Me

How did you feel about Thanksgiving with our family? HDIFAMA?

Dear LORD:

Thank you so much for the wonderful day with our family. I enjoyed it tremendously.

Dearest Ruth:

Your MEQ today was be loving way you accepted my correction regarding the gravy. I can remember a time when that level of conflict would have been a major deal in our relationship. No longer. You took that with grace and poise. You got what you wanted. I got what I wanted. No big hassle involved either. Yay! Do you have any idea how big a difference that is in you?

The way I felt during our Thanksgiving was happy. I was thrilled that our sons showed up. I even loved having Kate around. The food was excellent. There were no big conflicts. Everyone was relaxed and happy. Sam and Kate felt comfortable enough with us to go outside on the deck and smoke a cigarette. It was a major breakthrough in disguise as just another family holiday.

We created a tradition. We have had a Thanksgiving together as a family. That will become what we do every year from now on. You watch.

It was also wonderful to have Emily. I had a great talk with her in the kitchen. I told her that Isaiah does not deserve her. If he is not willing to shout from the rooftops that she is his love, and tell his parents to go jump in a lake if they do not like it, then he does not deserve her. Period. She agreed intellectually, but still has feelings for him. I will work on this some more.

I loved being with you as well. You were very gracious and gentle. You were relaxed and happy. You had a wonderful interaction with your son Jon here on the couch cuddling. Can you believe how relaxed and comfortable he was with us? It was so nice to see that.

I loved the whole day. It was amazing. The turkey came out great. The brine was wonderful. The turkey fryer worked great. It was smooth as silk.

So, happy. Yeah, that's it. I felt happy. Kind of like a wonderful day at the beach. Maybe a beach on the West Coast. I always liked the West Coast better because you can watch the sun go down over the ocean. Sunny and warm with a bit of a breeze. Very relaxing. Watching the waves come in. Just chillin. Happy, and serene. Not a care in the world.

If this feeling was a color it would be bright sunny yellow. The color of sunlight coming through your eyelids as you lie in the sun on the beach on a bright sunny day. Or the color of sunflowers in full bloom full of bees busily gathering nectar and pollen. The soft, silky buzzing of their wings furry in your ears.

Happy to be with you. Happy in our new house. Happy with our daughter and her friend. Happy to be with my boys. Happy to be with their friend as well.

Happy.

Love,
Me

What do you think about being the parent of a sixteen year old girl? HDIFAMA?

Dear LORD:

Thank you for Jeanae. Help me to be the father that she needs. Be with Ruth and I as we finish raising her. Help her to become the woman that I see inside her. Amen!

Dearest Ruth:

Your MEQ today was the loving way that you supported Jeanae when she had her nose pierced. She is really letting you back into her life!

I think that being Jeanae's father is wonderful. It is also stressful, annoying and difficult at times. I am very glad that I have you back to help me share the burden. She needs you at least as much as she needs me.

As she pointed out tonight, she is just like you. When we were separated, everyday I was with Jeanae, I missed you more, because I saw your beauty, grace and charm in her. She was your image. I never stopped loving you because I still loved her. This is one reason why I was so ready to get back together with you. I continued to be with you through her.

She is very complicated. Very, very complicated. I actually think she may even be more complicated than you at this point. If that is possible. Certainly, you have become less difficult and complicated recently. And she has become more so, so I think she does exceed you at this point.

She is also challenging. She can be the classic surly teenager, very disrespectful and impatient with authority. Mine included. She has said more than once that she simply wants to be out of school so she can start life. She thinks she is ready to be launched into the world. But she is wrong. She still needs a couple more years of being our child still.

Of the three children, she is the closest to me, and the one of whom I am the most proud. A comparative statement, but still true. She has many admirable qualities. Not the least of which is her spiritual side. She is very strong in the LORD and I think that will last the rest of her life, unless I misjudge her.

I will miss her when she is gone. I pray that we live close to her and her family so that we can enjoy her as the years go by.

I certainly treasure these years. They will be gone far too quickly. As much fun as having babies was, this is also very dear and very special to me.

The way I feel is privileged. It is a great privilege to be Jeanae's father. As well as to be your husband. This time of my life I would not trade for the world. It is a gift. It feels like I have been given a great honor, a medal or such. Or a high office. Something like that. Something which others aspire to, but seldom achieve. I have become the loving father of a happy, well adjusted sixteen year old girl. In this day and age, that is very, very rare.

Love,
Me

What changes have you noticed in me? HDIFTYT?

Dear LORD:

Thank you for the wonderful meetings we have been to in the past couple of days. It has been great reconnecting with your body! Amen.

Dearest Ruth:

Your MEQ today was coming home and saving me. I loved seeing you drive up in the driveway! I was so thrilled. Also, you were very gentle and soft in your response to my gaff. I was so grateful. You said "I told you so", but you did so gently and with compassion. Thank you for your kindness!

Wow. What changes have I noticed in you? That would be a long list indeed. I'll give you the short version:

1. You are way less edgy than you used to be. You have really, really mellowed out. Things just don't bother you as much.
   
2. You are far hornier than I have ever known you to be. You weren't even close to this sexual active when we first got married! Your floodgates have opened!
3. You seem more together. You were kind of flaky before, and you are less so now, by far. You seem to have your stuff together more.
4. You seem more emotionally healthy and centered. I was always concerned for you before. You seemed so fragile. You seem to have an inner strength now that you did not have before at all.
5. You are much more what I would call "naturally supernatural". That is, you are more comfortable in your relationship with God and functioning in the area of the spiritual. You used to be much more forced and tight in this area. You are letting it flow much more than you used to, and in the process it is far more effective.
6. While you like a neat and tidy house, you are not as neat as you used to be. Or maybe that's just a part of #1. Anyway, it frees me up to be much more helpful around the house, because I don't feel like it is something that is done under a spotlight. I used to feel very defensive about this, and I don't anymore. Maybe that's something that changed in me, too.
7. You are getting along with the kids much better. It's like you let them go to be who they want to be. Which they were always going to be anyway, by the way. But in the process, you have made peace with them. This frees you to have far more impact in their lives.

That's an even 7 things, enough for tonight.

How I feel about this is connected. Connected to you, connected to our family, connected to our life together. I feel more in tune with you, and able to understand you than I ever have. Partly because you make more sense to me now. Partly I guess because I have learned how to communicate with you better. But mostly because you have profoundly changed.

It's like the feeling of connection that you feel with a child when he looks up at you and you realize that this child is a part of you, that you will always be a part of you, and that is a really great thing. When you see yourself in that person, and realize God has joined you to this person forever. I feel that way with you tonight. You are a part of me, and that will always be so.

Love,
Me

Where do I believe that God is leading us in terms of fellowshipping with a community of believers? HDIFAMA?

Dear LORD:

Please help us to find a community of believers who represents your Spirit in the current age. Amen!

Dearest Ruth:

Your MEQ today was the loving kiss when we said goodbye at the gate. I miss you!

In my readings of ERM, I have made some new discoveries. One of the things he talks about in terms of friction/traction is the issue of postmodernism. In a postmodern society, there is much greater diversity in terms of spiritual values and beliefs. This changes everything.

Take leading someone to Christ. I have had a lingering, undercurrent of dissatisfaction with respect to this whole concept and the way it is carried out in the modern (i.e. prior to postmodern) church. ERM points out why it sucks so much.

We basically say:

“If you died tonight, do you know for sure you would be in heaven with God?”

Which carries with it the following assumptions:

1. This person believes in heaven
2. This person believes there is a God.

These things cannot any longer be assumed. We previously dealt with people very, very similar to ourselves. Maybe they were “away from God”, “sowing some wild oats,” or the like. But this person, whoever he or she might be, was raised in a similar context as we were. This assumption no longer applies.

Another very basic assumption. As soon as you get the person to say “no” to your previous question (assuming you do not get bogged down by the basic issues I identified above) you then proceed to argue based upon the following reasoning:

“The word of God says ‘blah, blah, blah.’”

Again, the assumption is clear: The bible (which we tend to call the word of God -- another assumption) is authoritative. It can be relied upon because it is infallible and true. This could previously be assumed by someone who was raised in the church, lived their lives in a rural or suburban white, middle class environment, and was simply taking a break from Jesus for a while to go off and enjoy a season of sin. What if your neighbor is an Iranian moslem? Or a Chinese Buddhist. How about a Hindu? Bahai Faith? No such assumption can be made.

We ran into this early in our relationship with the couple who were worship of Baguan Sri Rashneesh. That experience was very frustrating, although it was stimulating and challenging as well. That was a small taste of what the postmodern process of evangelism is like. We are competing with other faiths and ways to God. None of the other ways are true, and we know that, but they don't. Effectively, they are trying to convert us too.

Thus, you must make your appeal for Christ from the context of their culture, including their religion. I am completely unprepared and unequipped to do this. You are as well. I have heard you talk to many folks and you make the same assumptions I do. We are powerless as believers to share our faith in a postmodern context to our friends or neighbors from foreign countries, cultures and religions. This is the vast, vast majority of the people around us at this point, and will become more so as time goes on. Including, by the way, our own children who are from a postmodern culture radically different from our own.

Some of what I was discussing with you yesterday morning at Max’s applies to these issues. We are the most segregated country in the world, and the most segregated hour of the week is around 11:00 a.m. on Sunday morning. I am sick of this. It is no longer realistic to think in this way.

Even in TLC, this was common. While trainings were integrated, the meetings on Sunday were not. We segregated ourselves into distinct cultures. One meeting for the Caucasians. Another for the Spanish speaking. Another for the Koreans. Another for the Chinese. This had more to do with culture than language. The language barrier can be overcome by technology. The trainings proved that. We simply could not coexist because we could not stand each other. We wanted to be with our own kind.

Again, I am sick of this.

ERM is having this effect on me. He is revealing to me why I have been pissed off, disaffected, dissatisfied, and generally speaking passively aggressively apathetic about church. We suck, pure and simple.

He has yet to get to the solution to these issues, although he identifies a few. Mosaic is a cultural melting pot supreme. One third Asian, one third Latino, and the remaining third a motley mix of Caucasian, African American, and so forth. It is a weekly miracle that it works at all. Their growth rate has probably been slower as a result of the diversity. But what a rich experience! Not only do they have music that appeals to the R&B, classic rock stuff you and I like. They have Tuvan throat singers. African drums. Flamenco music. All presenting the Lord Y’Shua in a unique way. They use art, sculpture, dance, music and even fragrances to express worship.

This is definitely pushing my buttons.

It seems clear that we went profoundly wrong in TLC. As you pointed out, putting the emphasis on your children, and attempting to “grow the church by enjoying your wife” is supremely self centered and self absorbed. Effectively, you do not have to become uncomfortable at all. You can maintain your traditional culture, no problem.

I talked to you about the hymnal. The hymnal in TLC is a big symptom of what was wrong there. I see the same thing in a different context in other church groups, including Journey and even Grace. Folks in TLC would speak in hushed worshipful tones about the hymnal. What great theology! What incredible spirit!

Any attempt to introduce diversity in the music of TLC was met with quiet but firm disapproval, as we saw with Diane Bedwell in Anchorage. There is no flexibility or freedom in this area. Minds completely closed and made up. Conform or leave.

In the process TLC lost an entire generation, including our own children. For whom music is incredibly important and a huge part of their lives. And they roundly despised the music from TLC, especially the hymnal. This is one of many reasons why I believe TLC is doomed and will disappear within a few decades. Another generation at most. Unless they radically adapt. Which I see no sign of happening.

Putting the focus back on myself, unfortunately, our children also hate the music that you and I love. So we also have some dying to do. They love Green Day, Tool, and the like. There needs to be some music that appeals to them, which they can grab onto. This is critically important. It appeals to their culture which is radically different from ours, like it or not.

And that is not a bad thing. The fact that our kids absorbed and embraced their culture in completely normal. We did the same thing. In the process, we were able to reach people when they were outside of the traditional Christian culture, which happened to me in spades during the 80s. I did not push Amazing Grace down their throats. At that time, I was ready with Mylan Lefavre, Petra, and so forth as an alternative to Guns N Roses and the like.

I am not so ready now with my own children. I don’t know who the alternative is to Tool. I have no understanding or familiarity with the current wave of Christian music. I am stuck in a classic rock context. I want to continue to listen to Phil Keaggy, Russ Taff and so forth. Because that is my culture.

Art and film are similar. The Christian video and film I have seen is incredibly lame. There is only one Hollywood produced commercial film (Amazing Grace) which I have seen in the past few years which expresses the gospel in a way that would appeal to someone who was affected by the Hollywood culture. Other than that, things are pretty grim.

Why is this? I see massive amounts of money spent on film by Christian groups like the Billy Graham Association. Their stuff is simply terrible. It is locked into a churchist cultural context. Lots and lots of white middle class faces in a suburban setting. All the assumptions I spoke of above are firmly in place. No one deals with the issues of whether there is a God. Whether the bible is in fact true. Whether heaven is a real place. And so forth.

Ron Bell is a stark exception. Why not more stuff like his? He is amazing.

So, getting to the point of this rant, what I am looking and praying for in our lives is a community of believers like what I discussed with you this morning:

1. A movement, not an institution. Movements impact culture. They even create new culture. They are exciting, energizing and motivating. Institutions perpetuate the traditional culture. They seek to survive. Movements do not try to survive. They may live, or they may die. Whatever. The Cause is the point, not the institution.
2. Directly involved with and impacting the community that surrounds us. Stop the hiding. I am not talking about knocking on doors. As JD pointed out at Summit last weekend, that really, really sucks as well. There must be a better way. I am trying to find that way.
3. Diversity in culture, religious background, ethnicity, country of origin, etc. expressed in a daily way. No agist segregation either. Everyone mixed. Let’s figure out how to get along without dividing ourselves.
4. Freedom. No restrictions. I saw this at Journey the night that Jeanae tried to lead worship. A bunch of closed, bigoted, traditional Christians who thought what Jeanae was doing was interesting but completely did not get that they were called and expected to participate in it fully. I want a church that expects a weekly miracle. That does not attempt to program things. Let God show up.
5. Aggressively non-professional. No church bosses.
6. Wildly creative. A vibrant culture that expresses art in many media, including music, the Web, print, and so forth.
7. If these things are in place, we should see explosive growth. I am talking about a subversive, radical movement that seeks to destroy the established order of the World Religious System. A revolutionary movement in other words. That is what the Church was in the first century. Why not now?

The way I feel about this is a sense of longing. I am in a state of desiring to find this movement in my community, or to create it if I have to. I do not want to go on any longer without this.

It is like the sense I felt when I was alone before I met you. I had a longing for someone like you with whom I could share my life. I wanted to be married to a very special person. I have found that person, ant that person is you. I want to find this church. If I cannot find it, I want to create it.

Love,
Me

How do I feel about our upcoming trip to San Francisco?

Dear LORD:

Be with us as we travel to San Francisco this week. Give us your angels of protection. Help us to make it there safely. Help Ruth to get her seat on her second flight. Be with her all the way to San Francisco. I want everything to go perfectly for her.

Dearest Ruth:

Your MEQ today was being a great cook. I loved the dinner you made!

I feel very excited about our trip. My level of excitement is definitely a 10! This is the first trip we have taken together since we got back together, other than our Retrouvaille weekend. It is a huge milestone! We are going on another honeymoon! To my favorite American city! I love San Francisco. And I love you! Two of my favorite things at the same time! Wow!

I wish I felt better. But I suspect that I will start feeling much better as soon as we get to the City. I love the air in California. Loaded with negative ions. I suspect that most of what is going on is allergies. I am feeling fine in all of the other areas of my body. So once I am away from the bad air that we have right now, I will be tip top. Which is great because we are going to have a ball.

The way I feel about our trip is kind of the way I felt when I was 6 and we traveled to Disneyland. That was a great trip. It was long before they built Disney World, so Disneyland was the best theme park in the whole world. I was so excited! That's how I feel now too. Really, really looking forward to getting away from it all, just the two of us. Staying together in a hotel, Not having to worry about kids or chores. Just chilling. Yay!

Sooooooo, let's do it! Let's go and have a really great time. I love you.

Love,
Me

How do you feel about the way that we make a living and our respective jobs?

Dear LORD:

Give us perspective in the area of our income. Help us to know how we should behave with respect to money. Give us control over the area of our finances. Amen!

Dearest Ruth:

Your MEQ today was that you were really glad to see me, and you missed me while you were working today. I love it that you want to be with me. I was very glad to see you too!

I am very comfortable with the way that you are helping out in the area of making an income. You are doing fine. I think it is wonderful that you have a place to go to get some outside activity without being too tied to our home. I want your identity to be derived from something other than our house. That is too limiting for you.

I would love to see you branch out into other areas when you are ready. But this is entirely your decision. My position and attitude towards you in the area of your work is that I want to support you as much as possible with whatever you want to do in life.

On the other hand, I am fried in the area of my job, and would love to find an easier and less stressful way of making a living. I have been working on this somewhat. I am in touch with several headhunters. I keep getting nibbles off of LinkedIn. I follow up on those. I have no firm prospects yet, but I feel that this is only a matter of time.

In the meantime, my plan is to soak EMC for all we can get: To do my job well enough to keep them happy and stay employed there, and no more. I probably will not get promoted or much increase in salary, but whatever. I just want to stay there long enough to figure out something else.

Possibilities include:

1. Working for something like Electronic Arts.
2. Working for another storage firm, like Pillar, 3Par or such.
3. Working for Oracle.
4. Something I have not thought of yet.

I have been trading calls with my headhunter. I will let you know what develops.

Bottom line: I need to find another job eventually, but there is no rush on that.

The way I feel about my answer is slightly stressed, but basically OK. It's kind of like how you feel when you have to go to the dentist, but not for a root canal. Just for like a filling. A bit nervous and stressed out in other words.

In general, on your job and career I feel supportive and concerned, but not overly so. Again, I want to set you free to do whatever you want. That is my heart for you. I regard our basic living cost as being my responsibility. Whatever you can do to help out is great, and especially if you can get out of the house and not be too isolated. I mostly just want you to be happy.

I love you!

Love,
Me

In what ways to you think that our communication could be improved? HDIFAT?

Dear LORD:

Help Ruth and I further improve our communication so that we can stand the storms that life brings into our lives forever. Give us the intimacy and transparency that we need to be strong together, much stronger than we are alone. Amen!

Dearest Ruth:

Your MEQ today was being willing to love and care for me in my medical procedure and the patient and loving way that you were involved with that in my life. I love you for that!

There are a few ways that I feel that our communication could be improved all of which pretty much have to with me (as usual):

1. I need to continue to make a concerted effort to listen to you.
2. I need to be very patient with you , always.
3. I need to be able to push through. I need to always be willing to not give up. Determined in other words.
4. I need to look past the times when you are challenging, and go to the root. I need to see below the surface in other words.
5. I need to be more mature than you are. Given that I can very infantile and childlike at times, this can be a real challenge. I am talking about true maturity, though. I need to always strive to be the one who is willing to flex.
6. I need to be willing to admit that you are right. If I love you enough, I will always be willing to do that.
7. I need to remember what is truly important. Only one thing is truly necessary: That you and I are together. But that is more than just physically together. We must be together in spirit and truth. We must be intimate spiritually.
8. And that gets to some pretty tough territory: I need to be faithful and steadfast to pray for you. You cannot have bad communication with someone who you pray for on a daily basis. I will readily admit that I fall short in this area (although I have been doing far better than I have ever done).

The way I feel about that is loving and care towards you. I know that I love and cherish you by taking care of our communication. I really want to be there for you in this area. I love you dearly. It is extremely important to me. I am willing to be the husband you need to be a joyful, content wife. I want to do that for you, and for God, and for myself. You are all that is truly important to me, above all else. (Yes, our children are very dear to me. But you are my top priority.)

Remember always that you are my one true love.

The love and care I feel to you is a 10 for sure. I would compare it to the love Ye'shua felt when he died for the world. It feels that way. A sacrificial, giving love that frees your soul to be truly happy and blessed. To be willing to die for another frees yourself. To know that you are already dead, that you have nothing left to lose (for you have lost it all already), makes one the most formidable force on the planet.

The force of God's love bursting through in my heart has been unleashed to you, my dear. I will remain committed and dedicated to our communication, and your happiness and joy in life. I will endure. I will remain faithful.

It is what I want. It meets my need too, after all. It overcomes the selfishness of my heart, and deals with the sin in my soul. It gives me what I need to be truly alive: A person who needs my love.

And such a dear person!

Love,
Me

How does conflict between us make me feel?

Dear LORD:

Help our marriage become resilient to all conflict. Let us be able to relate to each other so well that the conflicts that are the inevitable result of the pressures of daily life do not sway us in any way from the true course of oneness within marriage: Your Son and Spirit.

Dearest Ruth:

Your MEQ today was being willing to share me with our daughter. I was amazed at how easily you let me go with her to our Daddy/Daughter date, and how supportive you were of the relationship that exists between Jeanae and I. Thank you so much for your understanding and patient heart as I love Jeanae into a state of acceptance of the new relationship that you and I share.

I feel nervous when we have conflict. That is my strongest feeling. I think I have told you this before. It is not that strong, about a 3. It feels something like the butterflies that you have when you are going to give a speech in front of a large group. A little pit in the stomach feeling. I am a bit apprehensive. I keep thinking that we are going to snap back into the old patterns of behavior in which you were aggressive and I was passive/aggressive. I do not want to do that soooooo much! I want us to keep the newness of our relationship alive, which is why I am so supportive and consistent about our dialogging and maintaining our closeness in our communication.

Yeah, nervous. That's it.

I have that feeling fairly regularly. It happened when I said that question "What I need from you is very simple...." and you flashed up at me. Nervous. Similarly, I felt it when you reacted to my statement this morning: "There's nothing I can do about that..." Nervous.

There seem to be a few statements or phrases that I am using fairly innocently that you react to. I am not sure that I understand these reactions. Maybe I never will. I can certainly stop saying them if that is the issue.

I wonder if there is more to it. But I don't want to pick this apart. The bottom line is that I love you, and I want to be married to you. I want to minimize the friction between us (which is inevitable, as I pointed out in my prayer), and I want for us to get along as well as we have in the past few months for the rest of our lives.

I am willing to change just about anything about my communication in order to accomplish this that does not involve my becoming fat, doing anything illegal or otherwise immoral. :-)

If there is an underlying issue, please tell me. Otherwise, I will not know. If it is just me doing things that are plain-vanilla annoying, let me know that too. I can certainly change the way I communicate with you, including omitting flash-point phrases that annoy you. Whatever you need, in other words, in order to put up with me. I know I am an annoying, quirky guy. Heck, I am amazed that you successfully put up with me for so long! I certainly annoy myself. As Erwin Raphael McManus points out, we are all prisoners in our own skin. Finding peace with God is partly a process of coming to terms with that and realizing that we need to forgive ourselves, as well as those close to us, continuously.

Love,
Me

What was my strongest feeling of the day?

Dear LORD:

Help us to remain committed and dedicated to dialog. Keep our relationship strong and honest. Be with us as we go through the next few months. Let us remain as loving and intimate as we are today, if not more so! Amen!

Dearest Ruth:

Your MEQ today was your apology - with a kiss. It was so sweet to have you apologize to me in such a loving way.

My strongest feeling of today was exhilaration that we are being unloaded from the burden of the house. I was a bit stressed until I got to see the closing statement. I never know how things are going to turn out until I see them. But I followed through with the lawyer and got my hands on that statement when everyone else did.

As I was reading the email, Susan called me. We pulled it up together and explained to me the way it would all work out.

At that point, I was exhilarated. This feeling was a 10. I wanted to dance and sing (and play air guitar, as you see I have been doing). I am so happy! Exhilarated!

It is like the feeling you get when you are sledding in the winter and you go down a long snowy slope with the wind in your hair. The cold of the snow on your face! Very exhilarating!

Yes!

I am so happy to be rid of that house. You were right all along, as you usually are. I resisted that decision for so long.

Like I said, it will be a while before I agree to build or own again. I am enjoying the freedom too much. I like our rent house. It is a little bit ghetto, but very, very comfortable. Like you said, I would not want to own it, but it is a great place for us to live for now. And it's very cheap!

Love,
Me