HDIF about possibly relocating to the West Coast. DYFF.

Dear LORD:

Thank you so much for my wonderful sweetheart. How I love her! She is my best friend and the love of my life! You have given me such a good thing! Amen.

MDDL:

Your MEQ today was the wonderful, sexy kisses we shared in the bathroom and in the kitchen. You turn me on!

The way I feel about relocating back to the West Coast is nostalgic. I remember the West Coast fondly in many respects, and every time I return to that part of the country, I think about all of the aspects of that region that I miss. The wonderful weather. The beautiful hills and mountains. The ocean. The incredible food. The abundance of wonderful produce. The ethnic diversity. The intellectual and creative fervor of that place. The vibrant job market.

OK, let's be honest. There are also lots and lots of things about California that suck. The high real estate prices (although they have come way, way down recently). The high taxes (although we would finally be able to recoup our altmin credits). The traffic (although I find it very refreshing to drive there because the drivers are so predictable and intelligent).

There are a few other issues as well. The state of California is in the midst of a 47 billion dollar budget shortfall, as a result of the real estate meltdown. That's going to put a lot of pressure on the institutions in the region, especially public education. We will need to consider carefully our move in that direction and its effect on Jeanae. I like your idea of hanging around NC for another couple of years while Jeanae finishes high school and simply making frequent trips out there (with you in tow since you will be freed up from your responsibility for our daughter).

The issue of her education is pretty important right now. If she gets into NCSOTA, then we are golden in NC, should stay here and let her finish, and then consider our options after her senior year. If not, then we are pretty well out of options in NC, and we should strongly consider letting Scalent relocate us and figure out the options in terms of education in California.

We have little time to do this. The summer looms. I need to court Scalent and figure out how much they are willing to pay, whether they will buy out the 401K loan, and so forth. As I said before, they desperately need me. But I will need to reel them in.

Anyway, getting back to my feelings, I will readily admit that I miss CA and am nostalgic about it. That's the strongest feeling. It's not that strong, but pretty strong, maybe a 7 or 8. It can peak up to close to 10 at times when I am out there and driving around in all of the old familiar places we used to go when we lived there.

In terms of a shared experience, I suppose it would be like when we went back to Alaska for the Nancy Lake retreat and hung out with the Saints, went to a lot of our old haunts, saw the Chugach range again, climbed Flattop and the like. That was very nostalgic for me, and no doubt for you as well. California is like Alaska in many respects, and yet very unlike as well. Alaska has a pioneer mentality. No guard rails. California has nothing but guard rails. But people in California are very intelligent and well educated. So they have a significantly different attitude from a place like NC or Texas where people are more ignorant and bigoted. Most people in California have a fairly global perspective which I find quite refreshing. As you recall, when we would go to the meeting, there would be at least four or five different countries represented there, including China and/or Taiwan, Korea, Mexico, the US, and the like. This is very refreshing to me. I have been a world traveler all of my life. Being around people like Daren and Derrick (who had never been outside of the US until they went to Cork earlier this month) is stifling.

So, nostalgic. I miss CA. I would like to live there again, and make something out of that part of the world. If you agree, then I would find that agreeable. If not, I will certainly either stay with you here or go with you to the ends of the earth.

Ultimately as long as the two of us are together and OK, then the rest of the world can go to Hell as far as I am concerned. Forgive me, but there you have it.

Love,
Me

Where would I like to go for a time of repieve to spend quality time together. DYFF.

Dear LORD:

Please give us a time of reprieve. We need to spend time together to heal and grow closer. Show us where we can go to do that.

MDDL:

Your MEQ today was jumping into my lap and kissing me. I love your spontaneity. You are so precious!

I have many places that I want to go with you to show you things that I have seen and to be with you in that beautiful place. I suppose if I had to choose a single place that I would like to go with you it would be Northern California, up in the Peninsula area, around Burlingame.

I say this because it is very beautiful there, and the air and climate seem to agree with me. Also, there is a wonderful yoga studio there, Being Yoga, which I think you would love as much as I do.

It would be wonderful if we could go to California for a couple of weeks and just stay there. Maybe we could stay in Redwood Shores for a few days and then move over the hills to Pacifica, staying in a B&B there, on the beach. There is also a wonderful studio in Pacifica. We could do yoga, walk on the beach, listen to the shore birds and the sound of the waves, make love, eat the wonderful food of Northern California, and just heal. That sounds really, really good to me.

The way this makes me feel is relaxed. I would find this so relaxing! It would definitely be a10 if we got to do it, but sitting here, I feel the relaxing feeling at about an 8.

In terms of a shared experience, it would be kind of like how we felt when we were in Sydney in our room with the view of the harbor in the ANA hotel. That was also very relaxing. We loved to just sit in our room and look out the window. Wow! That was a great experience.

The color would be a deep rose, the color of a sunset as it lights up the clouds. It is like the scent of roses when you walk through a rose garden in the height of summer and the blossoms are just at their peak.

I would love to spend time with you anywhere, though. I love being with you in our own home. It is wonderful to just be in your presence. Ultimately, wherever we decide to go, it will be great if it is just you and me in any place we choose.

Love,
Me

HDIF about our intimate relationship at this point in our marriage. DYFF.

Dear LORD:

Thank you for inventing sex. What a great idea! I love it! Amen!

MDDL:

Your MEQ today was wanting to make love, and doing all the crazy stuff to me you did in the kitchen. Wow! Even though we did not make love, you created a strong desire for me for you, which we will get to fulfill very soon, I hope!

The way I feel about our sexual relationship at this point in our relationship is liberated.

The way our relationship is now is carefree, relaxed and simple. The fact that you will not allow me to place performance expectations on myself is absolutely fantastic! No woman has ever done that before. It's like you have liberated me, setting free from the way my mind has worked.

I guess part of that is also a legacy from the toxic influence of Howard J. Browning. He was always talking about what a stud he was, and how well he could perform. The lesson I learned was that performance is important. I learned that at a fairly early age, and it has been a difficult lesson to unlearn.

I actually used to avoid sex with you before. It was just too intimidating. I enjoyed it, but I also feared my failure to perform. I was afraid that I would be labeled with the "i" word (impotent), which I regarded as a fate worse than death.

Of course, I am not impotent. Far from it. I possibly could have become so psychologically, if I had kept thinking the way I did. You have effectively saved me from that.

At this point, my attitude is that what happens, happens. And what happens is always great. I can relax. I can stop worrying about my erection. You have no idea how liberating that is!

Think of a caged animal, meant to run free, but tied up to a stake, miserable and alone. Suddenly, you set the animal free. You watch it run off into the hills, skipping and kicking up its heals. Free at last, free at last!

In terms of a shared experience, it would be like the feeling we had when we finally set ourselves free from The Local Church, and allowed ourselves to be simple, free, liberated Christians again. I know that process was very painful for you, and that may be a bad example. For me, it was very liberating. The day we decided not to go back was a great day. The day you finally came to the realization that The Local Church was an evil system was also a great day. I think you now realize as much as I did that that was a trap, just as my toxic way of thinking about sex was.

This feeling is an absolute 100! A color to describe it would be deep golden yellow, the color of the sunlight on your face on an absolutely beautiful day.

I am desperately, deeply and completely in love with you. I want to hold you, kiss you, love you. I am looking forward to finding you completely irresistible!

Love,
Me

Describe how you feel regarding our discussion about being addicted to chaos and crisis. DYFF

Dear LORD:

Help me to escape from the trap of addiction to chaos and crisis. Thank you for my loving wife who is willing to help me to become self-aware in this area. Thank you for bringing yoga into our life which helps so much with self discovery as well. Amen!

MDDL:

Your MEQ today was making us a smoothie while I was on my con call. It was delicious. I have dedicated the rest of today to doing nothing but being with you, connecting emotionally, and making you as happy as I possibly can.

The way I feel about our discussion about being addicted to chaos and crisis is enlightened.

The situation with Nella is typical. I have lived with a sword of Damocles over my head for the past decade. Always in fear that she was going to surface again, doing exactly what she is doing right now: Demanding money. Aside from the money issue, it's just bullshit. It's not a way to live. I am in continual fear, uncertainty and doubt about where I stand and what is going to happen to our family.

I want this to end. I am in the process of doing something about that.

The other issue that is similar is our marriage. I spent years in continual agony, wondering if you were going to leave me, doing everything in my power to prevent that. In the process, I simply wore myself out. Chaos addiction. Why not simply face the issue, instead of trying to band-aid over it?

Another issue is our children. The way I have lived my life is trying to referee a set of conflicts, keeping everyone happy and content, not fighting, not at each other's throat. In the process, everything simply gets swept under the rug. Not a way to live. Why not face the issues that are causing the conflicts to begin with? Because you are addicted to chaos, that's why! I am so tired of doing that!

Finances as well. Not paying bills. Waiting until bill collectors call, making you angry and stressed out in the process. Chaos addiction! Not a way to live!

At this point, I am not interested in being addicted to chaos. I want to face and resolve all of these issues, not hide from them. No more temporizing. No more buying time, waiting for another day. Simply face things head on, deal with them, and go on with your life.

It is like the enlightenment that I felt at the Retrouvaille POST session where they talked about communication, and I realized I was either in the "not good" or "poor" category much of the time. (And a lot of that had to do with chaos addiction as well!) You know, you really don't feel that way. That's not a good way to feel. Let me help you feel better, and the like. All band-aid approaches to life. Why not just own the feeling, accept it as real, and then deal with the cause? Instead of trying to talk you out of it!

My feeling of enlightenment is a definite 10. It is a moment of transformation. I want to deal with the issues of life, not just hide from them. That's my plan.

Love,
Me

HDIF about the situation with Sarah, Nella and so forth?.DYFF.

Dear LORD:

Be with my precious wife while I am traveling. I miss her so. Comfort her heart that I am with her and that my heart belongs to her.

MDDL:

Your MEQ today was all of the things that you have done to take care of our family. Jeanae's school. The cell phone account. Jon's car. You are doing a fantastic job of taking care of everything while I am gone. I want you to know how much I appreciate it from the bottom of my heart.

The way I feel about the situation with Sarah and Nella is conflicted. A potent, powerful mix of conflicting emotions.

Sarah was my first child. When she was born, my life turned upside down. How I loved her! I had so many dreams about her. Helping her fly a kite. Playing chess. Listening to music. Being her father.

Those dreams came crashing down when she began to spin, buzz, rock and so forth. And when she stopped talking, potty training, making eye contact and the like.

I am not sure how to describe what this was like. The pain has been there all my life. It is like a part of my heart was ripped out of my chest, leaving an open hole. I cannot explain it any other way.

I suppose this wound has been a big part of my strategy to ignore and deny my emotions for much of my life. Since the wound is so deep and so painful, the only way that I could deal with it was to deny its existence. Anything else made life unbearable. I learned these skills at the Pain Clinic in John Hopkins when I was going through pain management training. They have been with me ever since. This was in my early 20s long before I met you.

You have to understand that intellectual and academic excellence were the only means for achieving any sort of identity or approval in my family. I learned from practically when I was born (at least as far back as I could remember) that I was special and significant because of, and only because of, the stuff between my ears. My ability to reason, analyze and communicate was the only reason I was alive, and the only reason why I was deserving of love, respect and significance.

To have a child who is like a living shell, who cannot do any of those things, is a very personal denial of myself. She is a part of me, and that part is dysfunctional in all the ways that matter. It sounds terrible, but it would have been far more merciful if she had died.

Every time I have seen her since then, I have become clinically depressed. It also tears her apart. I can tell she loves me, and I truly love her as well. But my being around her is terribly cruel, both to her and to me.

Then there is the financial aspect. When I attempted to pay Nella the child support arrearage in 2000, I thought I would obtain some closure on that part of our relationship. How I wish she had taken the money! Ever since then we have been locked into this game. She comes to me with another set of demands, another deal in which she will be able to take the money, saving her financial situation in the process. We come to the brink of doing something to resolve this part of our dealings, and then she simply disappears. I don't hear from her for another year or two. And then we repeat the process.

Every time this happens, it's like claws raking the wound open again. Something that I hold at bay, at the edge of my conscious mind, through the exercise of mental discipline, comes to the fore. It can no longer be ignored.

Another problem: I have a strong sense of honor, having been raised to believe that a man's word is his bond. Your word is who you are.

I am not a deadbeat dad. I offered to pay her the money. She did not take it. And ever since, when we get into this game again, I am somehow labeled as the bad guy. Like I have somehow done something wrong in the financial side of the relationship.

My ability to function in this situation is getting strained. It is beyond me.

Then there is my worry and concern over Sarah and what is happening to her. I have dreams in which she is in a state mental institution being raped daily. Nella is the one who put those images in my head. That is why she has taken care of Sarah all these years. She said that if Sarah was institutionalized that she would be sexually victimized.

I would rather die that see that happen to her. I think often and with great pain and concern about what is happening there in Laporte. Is she OK? Is Nella able to take care of her? Is David still OK?

And now I hear that David is sick, disabled, and unable to support them. At the very time when my ability to do anything to alleviate the situation is at an all-time low.

I sent her the email we talked about. I have heard nothing from her since. I do not know how to live with this. I do not know how to go on. Will we simply return to a stalemate, a condition of cease fire, but not of true peace? But one in which my concern for the situation, and Nella's ability to handle the demands of Sarah, is in grave doubt?

There must be an end. I do not know how to make that happen, and maybe it is simply impossible.

I am struggling to think of a shared experience to describe the conflicted feeling that I feel. It is difficult. I have nothing to compare it to. Perhaps the closest would be the feelings that I had for you when you were gone, you having just left and me not knowing where you were. Being very hurt, angry and confused, but at the same time loving you, missing you, wanting you with me. Like my heart had been ripped out of my chest. Or, as I described it at Ray and Debbie's house, like my throat was being cut by millimeters over a period of two months.

The difference is that that feeling lasted only a couple of months. This has lasted the better part of two decades. Considering everything, it amazing that I have been able to function at all.

I will post now. I have been at this for some time, and we need to reconnect on the phone. I love you.

Love,
Me

How would I like to proceed with finding Jeanae a school to attend? HDIFAMA..

Dear LORD:

Please help us to find a school for Jeanae to attend. We are out of options here. Please show us another way. Amen!

MDDL:

Your MEQ today was the wonderful kiss and hug in Whole Foods. I love it when you love me!

I think the only way to proceed with finding a school for Jeanae to attend is figure out what schools we have access to and then systematically investigate them. You said that charter schools are not related to a given school district. I guess that has to be true since our kids went to Rivermill which is in Mebane. So there you have it. That means that we should be able to access charter schools in Durham, Orange, Wake and Guilford counties. Anything within a reasonable driving distance in other words.

Given that, we must have a few options. We have talked about Woods Charter School. There is also another one you mentioned that I can't think of the name right now. And we probably have other options we don't know of yet. We live reasonably close to North Wake County in driving distance. We should investigate that as well.

The way I feel about this is a bit overwhelmed. It would help if we had an idea of where she was going to go next year, but we don't. OK. Deal with it. Yes, it is our responsibility to send her to school. I really do not like the idea of Riverside. She does not want to go to Cresset, and I heartily agree with that idea, given the cost and our financial concerns and stresses. She did not get into DSA. Well, shit. OK, what do we do now? No idea, but there must be something.

In terms of a shared experience, it feels kind of like it did when we were looking for a house. We would find something that you would be very excited about. But I would look at it and it would be a stone's throw away from I40, with a huge electrical tower in the backyard, or some such thing. Or it would be too expensive. There was always something which prevented a given house from being the right house. Until we found the house on Shady Lawn. And that house was not that great to be honest. Between the remodel on the exterior, replacing basically all of the appliances in the house, especially HVAC, and then remodeling the downstairs, that was a pretty overwhelming problem in itself. But the process of finding the house was what I was overwhelmed by.

This is not as intense as that feeling, but it is pretty intense. Let's call it a 6. That was a 9. So a bit less.

I would like to find her something fairly soon. I don't want to have this hang fire all summer. Let me know what you think on that score.

Love,
Me

HDIF about the situation concerning Jeanae's school? DYFF.

Dear LORD:

Be with us in the area of Jeanae's education. We need your grace in this matter. She can be very challenging when dealing with school. Also, the education system is a joke. Sorry to put it that way, but there you have it. You know what I mean. Please give us your perfect guidance and will concerning where Jeanae should go to school. Amen!

Dearest Ruth:

Your MEQ today was the cute way you wiggled on the chair when we were in the dining room. You made me laugh!

The way I feel about Jeanae's school is ripped off.

You know. Kind of cheated. Lied to. Sold a bill of goods. If you believe that, I've got some property in Florida... And so forth.

On the one hand we have Cresset which billed itself as a safe, wholesome place for her. And I would have to admit it is safe. A police state is also safe. It seems to be oppressive and stifling as well. Very religious. You get the idea.

I simply am not sure that it is manifestly better than another option. And it is costing us an arm and a leg. Further, we have dealt with Jeanae's bitter disappointment concerning Cresset repeatedly. (Having said that, the day I dropped her off there I told her "Welcome to the World Religious System." So I guess I should not be surprised if that is what she encountered.)

What I want from Cresset is for the staff of the school to be slightly open minded and curious about life. Maybe not to the extent that I am. But still. Not the bigoted, narrow minded, ignorant people that she has encountered.

On the other hand, you have the public education system. You talked to me about how East led our boys down the path of destruction. I heartily agree. You held up Rivermill as an alternative. On that, I respectfully disagree.

My problem with things like Rivermill was not that they were worse than East. It was that they were no better. Rivermill led our boys down the same path. I have no doubt if they had stayed there through their high school years, they would have been the same as now. I saw the seeds of their demise being laid in Rivermill. My move to East was not a move of hope. It was a move of resignation. Why should we spend lots of time and money driving halfway across the state of North Carolina twice a day to send them to a school which is no better than the normal public school in our own neighborhood. Given that Rivermill is a pit of sin as well.

And so it goes with my feelings about education. It is of very questionable benefit. It leads young people into the world of sin and darkness. Every time I try to find a school which claims to be different, it is just the same.

Maybe I am expecting too much.

Like I told you last night. You are forced to surrender your children to an evil system. One in which you have no confidence. Quite the opposite. It would be like sending them to bed every night with a stack of Playboy magazines, a lid of dope, and a fifth of bourbon sitting beside their bed, and wishing them good night while you close the door to their room. Are they going to partake? Would you be able to resist that level of temptation if you were a teenage boy or girl with raging hormones and low emotional maturity? I have enough trouble on my own at the age of 53. I can't imagine what they are going through.

Eventually, they have to deal with the world. It is just a matter of time. One would hope, though, that you could protect them long enough for them to develop some maturity and some armor against the forces of darkness and evil. Throwing them into the public education system is like throwing them to the wolves.

So what should we do? I have no idea. If she gets into DSA, I will be relieved, although I have no doubt that that will create its own set of challenges and disappointments. If not, as is the most likely, then I am completely out of options and very confused.

As well as ripped off.

In terms of a shared experience it is like the feeling we got when getting news concerning the AMT, but this is less intense. This feeling of being ripped off is about a 5. That one was about a million.

Love,
Me

HDIF about Jeff's travel schedule? DYFF.

Dear LORD:

I do not want to travel. Please help me to not have to travel. It makes me feel trapped. Help Ruth to be OK while I am gone. We are soooo connected now. It is like tearing us to pieces for me to be gone so much.

MDDL:

Your MEQ today was coming into the living room and putting yourself in my lap, letting me rub your head and then falling asleep when I did so. Precious!

The way I feel about my travel schedule is trapped. We have discussed this before. I cannot tell you how much I do not want to travel, and how much I am not looking forward to my trip to Hopkinton tomorrow.

For one thing, I hate Boston. OK, maybe that's inaccurate. I do not hate Boston. I hate the suburbs of Boston. Boston itself is OK. Not great, but certainly a cut above Vegas, Dallas, or any number of towns I could name. Certainly, it is a great food town, and has lots of entertainment in the form of live theatre, music, and such.

But the suburbs of Boston? A desert. Nothing there but generic American culture. The kind I find nauseating. Outback Steak House. Burger King. McDonalds, Taco Bell. Blah, blah, blah. Combined with endless expanses of strip shopping centers, shopping malls, car dealerships, gas stations, and so on and on and on.

Not a lot here in terms of local color in other words. Certainly nothing like the Bay Area, which I find delightful and would enjoy very much if you were with me.

In other words, there is nothing, not one thing, absolutely and unequivocally nothing about the trip tomorrow which I find cool, fun, exciting or engaging. I will be a boring, stupid lame three days.

My one consolation is that I have found a yoga studio. I will enjoy that. That will keep me centered, grounded, and peaceful. I am glad I will get to have yoga for three more days on EMC's nickle.

In general, the way I feel about traveling is claustrophobic. When I think about climbing onto plane after plane after plane, and living in hotel after hotel after hotel, I want to run screaming from the room, clawing out my hair. It is the same feeling I feel when I am locked down and cannot move. My breath begins to come in gasps. I cannot think. I must escape. I must get free.

Being stuck on a plane for 13 hours yesterday was no fun. Especially the second flight where I was in a lot of pain and could not rest. I cannot really rest on planes anyway. I am just stuck there.

Also, my hotel room was not very comfortable this week. It was too noisy. My air conditioning clicked on and off noisily waking me up every few minutes. Other guests closed and opened their doors loudly, also waking me up. I could here the elevator. It was not peaceful.

When I am hear with you in our own home sleeping in our own bed, eating our own food, and hugging and kissing and such, I am at peace. I feel free. I feel relaxed. I feel well not trapped. I want us to stay with each other. I want to be in your presence. You calm me down. Make me feel like everything is going to be OK. Like you did tonight when the thing happened with the FSA. That was perfect. You looked into my eyes in a loving way, and said "Honey, I am sorry that happened to you." Like you are not affected by it. You were so helpful in that conversation. The way you did not react to my aggressiveness. The way you were just a perfect, loving wife, trying to calm down her distraught husband.

You have become this amazing person to me. I do not have you on pedastal, I don't think (well, maybe just a little), but still I find you wonderful, engaging, and exciting, while at the same time calming, relaxing and peaceful. This is very different from how our relationship was before we separated, when I found you very stressful. I don't know if it you that changed, or me. But it feels good.

Know this: I will be with you, thinking of you, praying for you, wanting your body, every minute of everyday I am traveling. That is all I can do until I come back to you.

Love,
Me