Dear LORD:
Help me to escape from the trap of addiction to chaos and crisis. Thank you for my loving wife who is willing to help me to become self-aware in this area. Thank you for bringing yoga into our life which helps so much with self discovery as well. Amen!
MDDL:
Your MEQ today was making us a smoothie while I was on my con call. It was delicious. I have dedicated the rest of today to doing nothing but being with you, connecting emotionally, and making you as happy as I possibly can.
The way I feel about our discussion about being addicted to chaos and crisis is enlightened.
The situation with Nella is typical. I have lived with a sword of Damocles over my head for the past decade. Always in fear that she was going to surface again, doing exactly what she is doing right now: Demanding money. Aside from the money issue, it's just bullshit. It's not a way to live. I am in continual fear, uncertainty and doubt about where I stand and what is going to happen to our family.
I want this to end. I am in the process of doing something about that.
The other issue that is similar is our marriage. I spent years in continual agony, wondering if you were going to leave me, doing everything in my power to prevent that. In the process, I simply wore myself out. Chaos addiction. Why not simply face the issue, instead of trying to band-aid over it?
Another issue is our children. The way I have lived my life is trying to referee a set of conflicts, keeping everyone happy and content, not fighting, not at each other's throat. In the process, everything simply gets swept under the rug. Not a way to live. Why not face the issues that are causing the conflicts to begin with? Because you are addicted to chaos, that's why! I am so tired of doing that!
Finances as well. Not paying bills. Waiting until bill collectors call, making you angry and stressed out in the process. Chaos addiction! Not a way to live!
At this point, I am not interested in being addicted to chaos. I want to face and resolve all of these issues, not hide from them. No more temporizing. No more buying time, waiting for another day. Simply face things head on, deal with them, and go on with your life.
It is like the enlightenment that I felt at the Retrouvaille POST session where they talked about communication, and I realized I was either in the "not good" or "poor" category much of the time. (And a lot of that had to do with chaos addiction as well!) You know, you really don't feel that way. That's not a good way to feel. Let me help you feel better, and the like. All band-aid approaches to life. Why not just own the feeling, accept it as real, and then deal with the cause? Instead of trying to talk you out of it!
My feeling of enlightenment is a definite 10. It is a moment of transformation. I want to deal with the issues of life, not just hide from them. That's my plan.
Love,
Me
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