90/90

Dear LORD:

Be with us during the 90/90 writing and sharing period. This is a crucial period in the Retrouvaille process. Give us both your grace. Amen!

MDDL:

Your MEQ today was getting up, getting ready and wanting to go to breakfast. Your commitment to the Retrouvaille process is very strong. Thank you for your diligence!

Question 1: Why do I want to go on living?

The Howard J. Browning philosophy (life is grim, grim shit and the like) would argue that there is not any real reason to go on living. He did not himself end his own life (although he tried to talk me into doing it for him). However, he certainly motivated others around him, me included, to have the attitude that life was not worth living.

I have chosen a different path. Much of my life has been focused on the negative. Now, having read Eckhart Tolle, Stephen Cope and the like, I understand the reason why. The ego with its associated pain body feeds on the negative emotions. Positive emotions don’t really do much for the pain body. It far prefers the negative.

Howard Browning was certainly one of the most unconscious, insane, dysfunctional people I have ever known. It is doubtful he would have ever come to any measure of spiritual growth without the motivation of his impending death. His pain body must have been powerful! I have had lots of pain as well, much proximately caused by him and his nonsense. But while I have struggled with the pain and negative emotions from my past, I have also been open to the reality of another way that might lead to a better place. This is why I have been a spiritual seeker much of my life. Even before I found Christ, I was a reader of spiritual literature like Frank Herbert’s Dune, Carlos Castenada’s Conversations with Don Juan and the like. This eventually led me to the place where I am today.

So when I consider why I might want to go on living, there are many reasons that I can think of.

I enjoy my relationship with you first and foremost. It is a lot of work, sure, but it is also great fun and a joy to behold. I find you fascinating and fun to be with. Your feisty, spunky personality is engaging and cool. You are great in bed. You have a deep, personal relationship with God and you are interested in growing in that area. There are many aspects of your character that I find appealing and wonderful.

I also am developing a relationship with myself which is more agreeable than it has been in a long time. Through the work of personal transformation, I am becoming aware of aspects of my character that I had never known. I am also aware of the fact that I can change, grow and become something more than what I have been.

I like to use movies as an example of spiritual growth. One of the most spiritual movies in recent years is Pleasantville. In that film, you see the use of black and white versus color as a metaphor for spiritual reality. At the beginning of the movie all of the people in the film are in black and white. As they engage with life and become aware of their potential, they take on color. The black and white state is a symbol of the fact that their reality is flat and two-dimensional. When they assume colors then they have come to know the richness and multiplicity of life.

That is how it feels to me now. It is like the old Jeff, the tortured soul, living in a state of constant death, was black and white. When I read Eckhart Tolle on the plane on the way to Memphis Tennessee (having bought the book in Charlotte Airport), the world turned from black and white to color. I can’t describe it any other way. My Christian walk, the period of searching before that, all of it came into focus in an entirely new way.

It’s like I said to you once: The best spiritual literature gives you two strong, seemingly contradictory, impressions simultaneously:

1. This is something you have always known, somehow. It resonates with your view of reality at a deep level. You have a sense of recognition.
2. This is completely mind-blowing, a totally new paradigm, a new way of relating to reality. It completely blows away your notions about spiritual life. You are required to reexamine everything.

Eckhart Tolle did that for me in spades. Through him, I understood at last why yoga works. The “self” we relate to (which Stephen Cope says are multiple constructs he calls “patterns”) is an illusion. It is not really us. The “real us” is the Watcher, the source of pure awareness, lying in a deep pool of stillness below the realm of thought. What we relate to as the mind (what Eckhart Tolle calls the ego) is simply the surface of this pool, with its associated storms and weather. The ocean lies below this surface, far deeper and more massive than the surface. We only see the surface most of the time. The noise and commotion of the wind and waves distracts us. By calming the surface, stilling those winds and those waves, we are able to descend below the surface and come into contact with that deep pool.

I must confess something to you now. In our recent meeting with Don Meredith, you said that we were taking yoga only for exercise and not for the spiritual aspects. That was true for me at one time, but it is not true any longer. The spiritual side of yoga practice has become central for me.

When you said this, I understood why. The level of bigotry, ignorance and superstition of many Christians (particularly conservative fundamentalist evangelicals) towards yoga is well known. Ray and Debbie were deeply persecuted by their Christian friends during the period they practiced yoga. Eventually they stopped practicing as a result of this persecution. They are open to our practice because of their experience, but I can tell that they are ambivalent. On the one hand, they want us to reap the benefits they obtained from yoga (which surely included some of the benefits we have received as well). On the other hand, they know we will probably be rejected and persecuted by conservative Christians like Cari. Thus, they are conflicted.

I was in the same state at first, which is the reason why I avoided yoga for so long. After you suggested Bikram yoga before, I actually visited Naeda’s studio once, and checked it out (although I did not take a class). I was wearing orthodic inserts in my shoes at that time, so that was a problem. Anyway, I did not go down that path at the time, and most of this was due to the teachings I received from the Church regarding yoga.

But I can tell you that yoga, and especially Eckhart Tolle, have given me more insight into the Christian walk than I have received in years. It is like I understand the scriptures in an entirely new way, one which is experiential instead of intellectual. The “still small voice”? Yeah, I can hear that now. I totally understand that one. How about “take my yoke upon you for my yoke is easy and my burden is light”? Of course. The word “yoga” simply means “yoke”. They are one and the same word. The scripture concerning sowing and reaping from Galatians 3? I have told you how I understand that experientially in a completely different way now. There are dozens and dozens of other examples I could cite. In fact, I am considering rereading the bible (probably really reading it for the first time) simply because of this new insight that I have at this point into the mystical parts of the scriptures.

In one of my yoga classes I arrived early. Previously I had spent that time stretching and warming up. This time, I simply went into savasana and entered a deep state of relaxation (what I now understand to be meditation). Then when the class began, I simply remained in that state. That class was the most easy, relaxed, natural class I had had up to that point. I remained in that meditative state the entire time. When we got to final savasana, I entered a deep, profound level of relaxation and awareness. Every sound I heard was amazingly pronounced. It was like each sound was made out of crystal. My mind ceased its constant rambling, and I entered a state of profound stillness, focusing simply on the breath and my body. I could feel the life within my body like a vibration. I entered a state of total bliss, completely at peace, without care, worry or trouble. My focus was not on my past with its tortured state. Nor was it on my future with all the doubts, unmet potential, burdens and demands of this life. It was simply on the present moment. The state of Now, in which I felt each breath as an influx of life.

If this is meditation (yes, I will use that word), then I think that is an absolutely terrific thing and I want more of it. If this is a Zen state (even more edgy) then, fine. I can be a Christian and do that too. In fact, I believe now that what is profoundly broken and dysfunctional about the Christian church (surely one of the most insane, destructive institutions on our insane planet), is that more Christians are not doing more of this thing that they so profoundly reject.

I remember early in my Christian walk when we lived in Dallas and were going to Church on the Rock and Shady Grove Church and I was being influenced by people like Bob Larson. He was surely in a category of Christians who rejected meditative practice (including yoga) by labeling it as “demonic”. He believed that by emptying the mind and entering a meditative state that we were inviting demons to possess us. He actually told Christians to never empty or still their mind. They needed to stay firmly rooted in their foreground consciousness, as a protection against the influence of demons who would surely try to invade if the mind was stilled.

Based upon Eckhart Tolle, I now believe the exact opposite. If you read the chapter in A New Earth on the pain body, what Eckhart Tolle describes is exactly the same as demonic possession. This thing which is composed of our painful memories and hurts, is actually alive and wants to preserve its own existence. By being focused on the foreground consciousness (the ego), we remain in the state of dysfunction and insanity, and we actually strengthen the pain body and its hold on our lives.

Having listened to Bob Larson for years, I certainly would put him in the category of a very egoic, dysfunctional and insane person. Thus, in his terms, he was demonically oppressed. Possibly even possessed by his pain body. His depressing, guilt laden manner of relating to the world was certainly one of the most egoic I have ever known.

He would of course be violently offended by that comment. Whatever. This has been my experience. I was once much more oppressed, depressed, confused, and harassed than I am now. I actually have peace in my life much of the time. Yoga, with its meditative states, has given me that, and that is certainly a reason to live. If that gives my Christian friends a reason to doubt my faith, then so be it.

Question 2: I need your help specifically in my physical condition.

You have been amazingly, wonderfully supportive in the area of my physical condition. The fact that I am where I am today with my diet, yoga and so forth is due in no small part to your influence. You have always been completely supportive of me. I rely on that. Please keep doing that. I am sure you have no intention of stopping, but I just wanted you to know how much it means to me and how much I rely on it.

Right now I am completely miserable physically. Having said that, I am not letting it bother me too much. I know this weekend is important, and I am taking the time and effort to do the work. If this means we miss yoga for a day or two, that is a price I am willing to pay. But my body is definitely crying out for exercise. Sitting for the entire day in complete inactivity is something that I have not done in a long, long time. I need exercise. I need to sweat. My skin is killing me. I want to claw it off. My joints are also inflamed and sore. I am not sleeping well. You get the idea.

Maybe we can do yoga this evening after we get back to Todd and Patti’s house? I know you don’t want to stay for the mass. It should be plenty hot enough at that time of day. We could go out on Todd and Patti’s back porch and just go for it. That would surely help me greatly.

In terms of tomorrow, we are on the ground at about 4:30 p.m. local time, and there is a 6:30 p.m. class at Open Door. If you are up for it, we could head straight over there from the airport. After we get our luggage, and get to the car, it should be about right. Let me know if that works for you.

Long term, it is obvious that my body is going to require some maintenance. I need to stay on a strictly vegan diet. I go through waves of strictness and laxness, but the core stays the same: No meat, dairy, chicken, fish or such. As many whole foods (fresh fruits and vegetables, nuts, whole grains and beans) as possible. I should probably eliminate wheat and refined carbs again after we get back to the home base. That is hard to do while travelling.

In terms of exercise, nothing works better (or even remotely as well) as yoga. Yes, it is expensive and time consuming. But well worth it, as I have heard you say more than once. I want you to know how much I appreciate how supportive and positive you have been so far in this area. I love you so much for that. You are amazing. I also thrill at the changes to your body as a result of your yoga practice and diet changes. You are blossoming like a beautiful flower.

Question 3: Where do you think God should be in our relationship?

I am on a spiritual quest. That quest has as much to do with our relationship as it has to do with my own life. The two are related. I regard our relationship as a canvas upon which God paints the growth in life he wants for both of us to achieve.

As I told you last night, we are spiritually connected with a bond which He created. That bond is very, very strong and resilient. We might as well cooperate with it, because we will surely fail if we try to break it. Not that I would ever want to. I am completely devoted to you as my beloved wife. Even when we were separated, I ached for you every day. I remember sitting in the living room in our house in Chapel Hill with Jeanae crying and telling her how much I missed you. As angry as we both were it was inevitable that we would eventually be reunited. We are one together in a way which is completely impossible to break.

The fact that you were instrumental in guiding and steering me in the direction of yoga is an excellent example. Once I had found a form of exercise that you enjoyed doing as well, I was definitely going for that. I enjoy being with you so much in the practice room. When you look over at me during final savasana and I see the peace and joy on your face (as you did on Friday morning), that is priceless to me.

The bottom line is that God is very central to my understanding of what our relationship should be. Having said that, my relationship with God, and my understanding of what it means to even have a relationship with him is changing very fast. I think this is true for you as well. Once again, we are on a parallel path, a spiritual journey together. While these paths never converge (because we are still two distinct individuals) they also never diverge (because we are also one united being together). This is contradictory, but that is the nature of many mysteries. Free will versus predestination. The trinity. And so forth.

Question 4: What are the qualities that most attracted me to you?

As I looked over in the choir loft and saw you two rows down and a bit to my right at COTR that Wednesday night, the things that attracted me were:

1. I perceived that you were your own person and you did not take any shit from anyone. I like that about you. My mother was a complete carpet and I hated that about her. I wanted a woman who would stand up to me.
2. I found you (and still find you) very physically attractive. I liked your coloring, your pale skin and blue eyes.
3. I was attracted to your spirituality which I saw as very genuine. You were not going to COTR as a singles bar. You were more interested in God than you were in dating and men. That was very different from the other women in that church.

We are done now so I will close.

Love,
Me