Dear LORD:
Thank you so much for Ruth and her loving question. Our relationship is so precious to me. Thank you for restoring our marriage. It would have been so lonely to go through life without her. Help us to remain constant and true, using your Word and Life as our guiding star. Amen!
Dearest Ruth:
Your MEQ today was listening to me. You did not interrupt but allowed me to continue to emote fully, even when I began to cry. I love it when you are so sensitive. I feel completely supported by you.
TBPH, it is kind of difficult to think of anything you could do beyond what you are already doing. You are great in bed. Our sex life continues to amaze and delight me. You are a sensitive and good friend and listener. You care about me deeply. You love our children.
In a word, you are pretty much perfect in my eyes.
I suppose if I had to choose any one thing I would say that I would like for you to exercise with me. I know I have told you that before, but you did not tell me that I had to come up with something new. So I will stick with the one I said the last time. Yes, that would make my life more pleasant for sure.
Take today. I pretty much had to work out today. I suspected that Jon would cancel on me. (He did.) Even so, working out with Jon does not involve cardio, and cardio is mostly what I need right now. I took advantage of the time when you were working and went to the gym.
It was lonely and depressing, but I did it anyway. I read a women's magazine. I figure out things about you from reading that stuff. You can tell me it's trash if you want, and I will not disagree. Still, it's a window into the female mind.
Nonetheless, working out is pretty unpleasant and lonely without you. I try to sneak it in so that it does not interfere with our relationship. For example, if I had not left today to go to the gym, then I would have ended up going after you got home. I am glad I did not wait for Jon for that reason.
Anyway, I just cram it out, forcing myself to do something I know is good for me but which I don't really like to do.
If you could go with me to the gym I know it would be much more fun. But I know that you don't need to work out as much as I do. So maybe you could go once in a while.
Having said that, you need to work out at least 3 times a week in order to get any benefit from it. I am not laying that on you, though. You need to pray about your life in that area and decide what the LORD wants you to do.
The way I feel telling you this is undemanding. I am OK if you do not do this. I do not want to become demanding or whining, ever. You are my precious, special love, and if you never go to the health club with me, that's OK.
Please receive this truly. I want you to come with me to the gym. But I am not demanding that you do so. That is a heartfelt, true feeling on my part. Undemanding. For sure.
Be free. But be healthy. Do whatever the LORD lays on your heart.
Love,
Me
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
Saturday, December 29, 2007
HDIF about our children and our relationship with them? DYFF.
Dear LORD:
Thank you for our children. Help us to be good parents of these wonderful people. They are all very precious to me and to you. Amen!
Dearest Ruth:
It's kind of early, so you have yet to do much today. However, you have already racked up a couple of MEQs:
1. You made oatmeal.
2. You loved it when I touched you. (I love touching you.)
3. You wanted to dialog. (It's the first time we have ever dialoged this early!)
Pretty impressive!
The way I feel about our children varies with the child. I will take each in turn:
Samuel:
My strongest feeling about Sam is concern. I am also frustrated, annoyed, and a bit pissed off with Sam. I tend to behave in a passive aggressive manner towards him.
Sam is choosing to live a dysfunctional, self-destructive life. He was not raised that way. He knows better. We were not perfect parents, for sure, but we have done a reasonably good job of setting a better example than that.
I think that Sam needs to get his shit together. My desire to help him is fairly low, since he is not doing much for himself. He has also been a negative influence on the other two children.
Jon:
My strongest feeling about Jon is hopeful. I also am concerned for him, but less so than Sam. He seems to be getting his act together. Jon is a lot of fun. I enjoy being with him much more than Sam at this point.
Jon made a big step by coming home again. He wanted to get away from the destructive, dysfunctional behaviors of his brother. This is a very encouraging step for him.
My desire to help Jon is very strong. I want to support him in getting his life back on track.
Jeanae:
My strongest feeling about Jeanae is love. I enjoy being with her. I am a bit concerned for her as well. She has hit an emotional and spiritual speed bump. However, as I told her recently, teenage angst is simply something we all have to go through. I do not intend to save her from that. She is creating a lot of drama. Sometimes she can be very challenging. Still, she loves you and me, and I love her very much.
I need for her to do well in school, get herself educated, and go on with her life. I am looking forward to her becoming an adult. It will be very nice when it is just you and me again. Eventually, grandchildren would be nice.
On a whole, I enjoy my children but would love to see more of you, and would not mind if they became independent at all. My feelings toward you are very, very strong. I enjoy being with you more than the children, much as I love them. I doubt very seriously that I will have much of an empty nest syndrome when the leave.
With the possible exception of Jeanae. It will be a wrench watching her move out. I doubt that will happen before she gets married, though. So no worries.
In the meantime, I am enjoying being a father of young adults and teenagers (other than Sam), and find this phase of life to be very satisfying.
I will miss you today. I loved sleeping with you last night. You are my poonie!
Love,
Me
Thank you for our children. Help us to be good parents of these wonderful people. They are all very precious to me and to you. Amen!
Dearest Ruth:
It's kind of early, so you have yet to do much today. However, you have already racked up a couple of MEQs:
1. You made oatmeal.
2. You loved it when I touched you. (I love touching you.)
3. You wanted to dialog. (It's the first time we have ever dialoged this early!)
Pretty impressive!
The way I feel about our children varies with the child. I will take each in turn:
Samuel:
My strongest feeling about Sam is concern. I am also frustrated, annoyed, and a bit pissed off with Sam. I tend to behave in a passive aggressive manner towards him.
Sam is choosing to live a dysfunctional, self-destructive life. He was not raised that way. He knows better. We were not perfect parents, for sure, but we have done a reasonably good job of setting a better example than that.
I think that Sam needs to get his shit together. My desire to help him is fairly low, since he is not doing much for himself. He has also been a negative influence on the other two children.
Jon:
My strongest feeling about Jon is hopeful. I also am concerned for him, but less so than Sam. He seems to be getting his act together. Jon is a lot of fun. I enjoy being with him much more than Sam at this point.
Jon made a big step by coming home again. He wanted to get away from the destructive, dysfunctional behaviors of his brother. This is a very encouraging step for him.
My desire to help Jon is very strong. I want to support him in getting his life back on track.
Jeanae:
My strongest feeling about Jeanae is love. I enjoy being with her. I am a bit concerned for her as well. She has hit an emotional and spiritual speed bump. However, as I told her recently, teenage angst is simply something we all have to go through. I do not intend to save her from that. She is creating a lot of drama. Sometimes she can be very challenging. Still, she loves you and me, and I love her very much.
I need for her to do well in school, get herself educated, and go on with her life. I am looking forward to her becoming an adult. It will be very nice when it is just you and me again. Eventually, grandchildren would be nice.
On a whole, I enjoy my children but would love to see more of you, and would not mind if they became independent at all. My feelings toward you are very, very strong. I enjoy being with you more than the children, much as I love them. I doubt very seriously that I will have much of an empty nest syndrome when the leave.
With the possible exception of Jeanae. It will be a wrench watching her move out. I doubt that will happen before she gets married, though. So no worries.
In the meantime, I am enjoying being a father of young adults and teenagers (other than Sam), and find this phase of life to be very satisfying.
I will miss you today. I loved sleeping with you last night. You are my poonie!
Love,
Me
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
HDIF about the way we share daily responsibilities? DYFF.
Dear LORD:
Thank you for Ruth. She is such a blessing to me. Thank you that we are married. Thank you for all that you have brought us through. Amen!
MDDL:
Your MEQ today was the delight you showed in the puppies as they cavorted in the dog park. Your smile and laugh at watching Po-Po tear across the grass was infectious.
The way I feel about the way we share daily responsibilities is open.
Open to you. Open to the LORD. Open to whatever you and the LORD need for me to do around the house.
Today when we were in the kitchen cooking it was really great. The flow between us was awesome. We were relaxed and happy together. The creativity was really flowing. There was such a great smell.
I had a great time.
I was a little sad and lonely when you left me to finish washing up. But that's OK. I understand that you needed to finish your office. I mostly just wanted to keep being with you. Like I have told you this weekend, I am drinking in the time to be with you. I love to just be in your presence. I find it very comforting to sit here right now, typing this, with you close to me.
I need to keep Jeanae on task as well. She tends to leave little piles. Like a rabbit. Little piles of clothes and such. I regard that as mostly my responsibility, but you are welcome to weigh in on that as well. She is pampered, but I would prefer to avoid her becoming spoiled.
All that being said, my strongest feeling about how we share responsibilities is open and receptive to you in that area. Open in that I am trying with all my heart to listen to what you need and respond. Open like I was when I started to listen to you better.
So please tell me what you need from me. I will do my very best to be what you need me to be in the area of practical responsibilities.
You are my heart.
Love,
Me
Thank you for Ruth. She is such a blessing to me. Thank you that we are married. Thank you for all that you have brought us through. Amen!
MDDL:
Your MEQ today was the delight you showed in the puppies as they cavorted in the dog park. Your smile and laugh at watching Po-Po tear across the grass was infectious.
The way I feel about the way we share daily responsibilities is open.
Open to you. Open to the LORD. Open to whatever you and the LORD need for me to do around the house.
Today when we were in the kitchen cooking it was really great. The flow between us was awesome. We were relaxed and happy together. The creativity was really flowing. There was such a great smell.
I had a great time.
I was a little sad and lonely when you left me to finish washing up. But that's OK. I understand that you needed to finish your office. I mostly just wanted to keep being with you. Like I have told you this weekend, I am drinking in the time to be with you. I love to just be in your presence. I find it very comforting to sit here right now, typing this, with you close to me.
I need to keep Jeanae on task as well. She tends to leave little piles. Like a rabbit. Little piles of clothes and such. I regard that as mostly my responsibility, but you are welcome to weigh in on that as well. She is pampered, but I would prefer to avoid her becoming spoiled.
All that being said, my strongest feeling about how we share responsibilities is open and receptive to you in that area. Open in that I am trying with all my heart to listen to what you need and respond. Open like I was when I started to listen to you better.
So please tell me what you need from me. I will do my very best to be what you need me to be in the area of practical responsibilities.
You are my heart.
Love,
Me
Saturday, December 22, 2007
HDIF about our relationship at this point? DYFF.
Dear LORD:
Thank you so much for Ruth. She is so dear to me. I love her with all my heart. Help me to love her fully and completely, with all of my being, in a way that she feels totally loved. Amen!
MDDL:
Your MEQ tonight was the loving way that you apologized to your daughter and me about the misunderstanding in the car. I loved watching you talk to your daughter on the phone. You were so gentle and loving towards her, so full of grace.
My strongest feeling about you at this point is love. I am also very happy to be in your presence. There is still a little bit of insecurity and tentativeness in certain areas, notably sex. We can dialog on that later if you like.
But by far, my strongest feeling about you is love. I love you. I have that feeling whenever I am with you. I feel happy and bubbly inside. You are so beautiful to me. I find you desirable in every way imaginable. I am utterly fascinated and enchanted by you. I find you more desirable and interesting, if possible, than when we first met.
My love for you at this point is different from my first love. The first love was not based upon knowledge. It had not been tempered by shared pain. It was an idealistic love, a love of an image, not of someone I truly knew.
Now I know you. We have been through the testing fire. You and I have suffered greatly. We have caused each other great pain, as well as having pain from the trials of this life. In both cases, the pain has tempered and strengthened our feelings for each other. Certainly, they have strengthened my love for you.
I think we had a choice of two paths: One in which the pain consumed and destroyed us, in the process destroying our love for each other and converting it into hatred, anger, resentment, pride, bitterness and so forth. That was the unforgiving path.
We chose another path. We forgave one another. This was a gift which was granted to us by the Father. We accepted the pain we caused each other for what it was: A gift. If we had to experience that pain in order to have the joy we now have, it was all worthwhile. We truly brought forth beauty from ashes.
My love for you is very, very strong. It often consumes me. I gaze at you and feel deep, pure, sudden joy at the knowledge that you are my beloved, and that I will spend my entire life with you. I desire no other. You are and will always be my one true love, granted to me by God to be my wife, my helpmate, my closest friend and companion, for this life. And forever.
Love,
Me
Thank you so much for Ruth. She is so dear to me. I love her with all my heart. Help me to love her fully and completely, with all of my being, in a way that she feels totally loved. Amen!
MDDL:
Your MEQ tonight was the loving way that you apologized to your daughter and me about the misunderstanding in the car. I loved watching you talk to your daughter on the phone. You were so gentle and loving towards her, so full of grace.
My strongest feeling about you at this point is love. I am also very happy to be in your presence. There is still a little bit of insecurity and tentativeness in certain areas, notably sex. We can dialog on that later if you like.
But by far, my strongest feeling about you is love. I love you. I have that feeling whenever I am with you. I feel happy and bubbly inside. You are so beautiful to me. I find you desirable in every way imaginable. I am utterly fascinated and enchanted by you. I find you more desirable and interesting, if possible, than when we first met.
My love for you at this point is different from my first love. The first love was not based upon knowledge. It had not been tempered by shared pain. It was an idealistic love, a love of an image, not of someone I truly knew.
Now I know you. We have been through the testing fire. You and I have suffered greatly. We have caused each other great pain, as well as having pain from the trials of this life. In both cases, the pain has tempered and strengthened our feelings for each other. Certainly, they have strengthened my love for you.
I think we had a choice of two paths: One in which the pain consumed and destroyed us, in the process destroying our love for each other and converting it into hatred, anger, resentment, pride, bitterness and so forth. That was the unforgiving path.
We chose another path. We forgave one another. This was a gift which was granted to us by the Father. We accepted the pain we caused each other for what it was: A gift. If we had to experience that pain in order to have the joy we now have, it was all worthwhile. We truly brought forth beauty from ashes.
My love for you is very, very strong. It often consumes me. I gaze at you and feel deep, pure, sudden joy at the knowledge that you are my beloved, and that I will spend my entire life with you. I desire no other. You are and will always be my one true love, granted to me by God to be my wife, my helpmate, my closest friend and companion, for this life. And forever.
Love,
Me
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
HDIF about our experience at Grace last Sunday? DYFF.
Dear LORD:
Thank you for our reconnecting at Grace Church. It was very precious to be there.
MDDL:
Your MEQ today was the wonderful hug you gave me at the dinner table. I felt so close to you being at the dinner table together as a couple. Yes!
The way I felt at Grace Church this Sunday was connected. It was very special to have all of the people we knew when we were there before come up and greet us so warmly. I felt warmed and comforted in my heart.
Also the worship Sunday morning was glorious. Worship does deep heart surgery on me. I can actually feel the darkness lifting. It is a light being pored out in my heart. I need it like I need air, light and water. It fills my heart with joy.
The message that Kendrick preached was also very pertinent to my situation. As you saw from my last dialog, I am deeply distressed concerning my health, and desperately need God to do something about that. The message about hope was exactly right for me at that moment. I had lost hope. I needed to remember that God loves me, and my hope is in Him.
TBPH, I do not think that Vintage 21 is manifestly better than Grace Church. So far, we have not found anything better than Grace. As I told you tonight, there are many things about Grace Church that I disagree with, find annoying, and so forth. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It is easy to be a critic.
We need to be forces for change in a Godly way.
I still would like to travel to Southern California and visit Mosaic. I am very attracted by the ministry of ERM. He gets it more than anyone else that I have connected with in the past few years. There is a conference there in January. Interested?
For now, though, while we live in NC, until God says otherwise, my vote would be to be connected to Grace Church and the saints there. What do you say?
Love,
Me
Thank you for our reconnecting at Grace Church. It was very precious to be there.
MDDL:
Your MEQ today was the wonderful hug you gave me at the dinner table. I felt so close to you being at the dinner table together as a couple. Yes!
The way I felt at Grace Church this Sunday was connected. It was very special to have all of the people we knew when we were there before come up and greet us so warmly. I felt warmed and comforted in my heart.
Also the worship Sunday morning was glorious. Worship does deep heart surgery on me. I can actually feel the darkness lifting. It is a light being pored out in my heart. I need it like I need air, light and water. It fills my heart with joy.
The message that Kendrick preached was also very pertinent to my situation. As you saw from my last dialog, I am deeply distressed concerning my health, and desperately need God to do something about that. The message about hope was exactly right for me at that moment. I had lost hope. I needed to remember that God loves me, and my hope is in Him.
TBPH, I do not think that Vintage 21 is manifestly better than Grace Church. So far, we have not found anything better than Grace. As I told you tonight, there are many things about Grace Church that I disagree with, find annoying, and so forth. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It is easy to be a critic.
We need to be forces for change in a Godly way.
I still would like to travel to Southern California and visit Mosaic. I am very attracted by the ministry of ERM. He gets it more than anyone else that I have connected with in the past few years. There is a conference there in January. Interested?
For now, though, while we live in NC, until God says otherwise, my vote would be to be connected to Grace Church and the saints there. What do you say?
Love,
Me
Saturday, December 15, 2007
How do I feel about the recent activity regarding my health?
Dear LORD:
Please help me with my health. I am sick and I need to get well. Thank you for putting me in touch with Dr. Sharpe. Guide him in the area of my healing. Let this be the one that works. Amen!
MDDL:
Your MEQ today was my kiss when you left the house, and correcting me about how you did give me one. It made my day that you actually did kiss me. I know it seems silly, as it is such a little thing. But it is very important to me and it means so much to me that you pay attention to this.
The way I feel about my health is stressed out, anxiety ridden, frustrated, depressed, and filled with despair. I have been trying to ignore these feelings, as I usually do, but they keep coming to the surface.
I have made the appointment with Dr. Sharpe pretty much my last hope in resolving this issue. I am very hopeful that it will work this time. Once he prescribes a solution, you may be sure that I will be extremely compliant. The feeling that I had when I was in his office was one of being overwhelmed with grief and longing. I was on the verge of tears as I described my condition, as I was required to get in touch with my feelings as I did so. I realized at that moment that I am dying from this disease. If I do not resolve this issue eventually, it will take me down one way or another. I do not want to go there.
It is frustrating in the extreme that we have invested so much of our precious lives and treasure in search for a solution to this problem. It is only skin after all. It is just supposed to sit there on the outside of your body doing its job. Not making your life miserable and insufferable.
Anyway, as I sat there in Dr. Sharpe's office and I described the litany of symptoms that I have, and the trendline of how they are getting worse and worse all the time, I found myself filled with a feeling which is difficult to describe. It's like everything came together in that moment in time. I understood then more clearly what I am dealing with than I have ever done before. I know the stakes. It was truly a moment of clarity.
The worst of it was describing what happened to my father. I do not know if you remember how bad it was towards the end. His entire body was falling to dust. All of his nails were crumbling into a chaotic mass of something like dried, rotten cardboard. When you touched him, massive clouds of dusty particles would fly everywhere.
If the cancer had not killed him, the psoriasis would have eventually.
I really do not want to do that. I must become healthy again. Much of my life, I have been able to ignore my body. It pretty much just clicked along on its own. I could neglect it, feed it crap, drink alcohol and the like. It took all of that abuse with no problem at all.
No longer. My body has become my enemy. It hunts me, stalking me down. I can run, but I cannot hide. Sooner or later, it is going to track me down and make the kill.
And that is perhaps my strongest feeling about my body and its abuse of me: Anger, betrayal, unfairness. A feeling of righteous indignation. Like what did I do to deserve this? Why me? You get the idea.
If this feeling had a color, it would be the bright, burning red of the bull fighter's cape. It is like the feeling that you get when everything is just too much, combine frustration at your job with your kids, with your car acting up, and boom! You overflow into a massive pool of rage. You find yourself out of control. You lash out at the only target you have handy: Yourself or some inanimate object. Screaming impotent cries of rage against an uncaring sky.
All of which accomplishes precisely nothing. All of which I cannot begin to tell you how tired I am of feeling that.
Somehow, I must make peace with my body. I must end the war within my physical being. I must find a way to make my body my friend again.
I beg you for your help, love and support as I go through this. With all of the challenges that I have faced in my life, this may be the greatest.
Love,
Me
Please help me with my health. I am sick and I need to get well. Thank you for putting me in touch with Dr. Sharpe. Guide him in the area of my healing. Let this be the one that works. Amen!
MDDL:
Your MEQ today was my kiss when you left the house, and correcting me about how you did give me one. It made my day that you actually did kiss me. I know it seems silly, as it is such a little thing. But it is very important to me and it means so much to me that you pay attention to this.
The way I feel about my health is stressed out, anxiety ridden, frustrated, depressed, and filled with despair. I have been trying to ignore these feelings, as I usually do, but they keep coming to the surface.
I have made the appointment with Dr. Sharpe pretty much my last hope in resolving this issue. I am very hopeful that it will work this time. Once he prescribes a solution, you may be sure that I will be extremely compliant. The feeling that I had when I was in his office was one of being overwhelmed with grief and longing. I was on the verge of tears as I described my condition, as I was required to get in touch with my feelings as I did so. I realized at that moment that I am dying from this disease. If I do not resolve this issue eventually, it will take me down one way or another. I do not want to go there.
It is frustrating in the extreme that we have invested so much of our precious lives and treasure in search for a solution to this problem. It is only skin after all. It is just supposed to sit there on the outside of your body doing its job. Not making your life miserable and insufferable.
Anyway, as I sat there in Dr. Sharpe's office and I described the litany of symptoms that I have, and the trendline of how they are getting worse and worse all the time, I found myself filled with a feeling which is difficult to describe. It's like everything came together in that moment in time. I understood then more clearly what I am dealing with than I have ever done before. I know the stakes. It was truly a moment of clarity.
The worst of it was describing what happened to my father. I do not know if you remember how bad it was towards the end. His entire body was falling to dust. All of his nails were crumbling into a chaotic mass of something like dried, rotten cardboard. When you touched him, massive clouds of dusty particles would fly everywhere.
If the cancer had not killed him, the psoriasis would have eventually.
I really do not want to do that. I must become healthy again. Much of my life, I have been able to ignore my body. It pretty much just clicked along on its own. I could neglect it, feed it crap, drink alcohol and the like. It took all of that abuse with no problem at all.
No longer. My body has become my enemy. It hunts me, stalking me down. I can run, but I cannot hide. Sooner or later, it is going to track me down and make the kill.
And that is perhaps my strongest feeling about my body and its abuse of me: Anger, betrayal, unfairness. A feeling of righteous indignation. Like what did I do to deserve this? Why me? You get the idea.
If this feeling had a color, it would be the bright, burning red of the bull fighter's cape. It is like the feeling that you get when everything is just too much, combine frustration at your job with your kids, with your car acting up, and boom! You overflow into a massive pool of rage. You find yourself out of control. You lash out at the only target you have handy: Yourself or some inanimate object. Screaming impotent cries of rage against an uncaring sky.
All of which accomplishes precisely nothing. All of which I cannot begin to tell you how tired I am of feeling that.
Somehow, I must make peace with my body. I must end the war within my physical being. I must find a way to make my body my friend again.
I beg you for your help, love and support as I go through this. With all of the challenges that I have faced in my life, this may be the greatest.
Love,
Me
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
We have not dialogued for almost one week. HDIFAT?
Dear LORD:
Help us to remain faithful to dialogging. It is so important. We must remain connected and intimate, and dialogging is such an important part of that. Amen!
MDDL:
Your MEQ today was being sensitive to my body and knowing that I needed to go to the health club. You knew me better than I knew myself! You are so special and considerate of me!
I have missed dialogging. I did not want to be demanding of you while you were sick, so I did not push our continuing to dialog. I waited for you to feel better. I am so glad that you feel better now.
I find dialogging very special. It is a special way for me to connect to you in the area of emotions. I have been a cold, unemotional person for much of my life. This was because my emotions were so profoundly toxic and powerfully negative that if I ever allowed myself to feel them fully, I was afraid I would lose myself in them.
Knowing you has allowed me to become more emotionally. This is because the process of losing our way and then rediscovering it has brought many emotions to the surface. I am feeling now.
I feel like the character in the movie equilibrium. Once he stops taking his "dose", he begins to feel emotions. That's what this feels like. An awakening to a new state.
I always wondered why I so profoundly related to the struggle of Data in the TV series Star Trek TNG. He wanted so badly to have emotions. Yet he saw how humans struggled with them. This is how I felt. In many ways I have been cut off from simply human feelings most of my life. I simply did not give myself the luxury of feeling them. Or if I did they terrified me, with their gruesome, brutal power. I can now face them and deal with them more functionally and fully than I have ever been able to do. This is the result of the growth in life that has occurred in me from the recovery of our love and tenderness.
I feel. I have feelings now. Dialogging gets me in touch with those feelings. They are amazing. I am tired right now. Profoundly and amazingly tired. But that's OK. It is simply a feeling.
I have also been in a lot of pain. Emotions are like physical pain and pleasure in a way. We use the same verb, to feel, for both sensations. I am in a state of constant physical discomfort. I have learned to not feel this. I do not think that is a good thing anymore. I am tired of having to not feel. I want to experience these feelings as well. I want to be well again.
I need your help with that. Maybe we can dialog on that later.
I felt wistful and sad that we were not dialogging, but now we are again, so I feel happy. My feeling of being happy is like a sunflower. It is a joyful feeling. I like to dialog with you soooo much. It is a wonderful way for us to share our feelings. If it were a color, it would be bright sunny yellow.
Your love and our relationship fill me with joy and hope. When we are not talking, spending time together, or such, I feel sad and lonely. When we get to be together and talk, or hang out, I am happy and content. I really want to be with you and to be connected with you sooo much. I love you dearly.
Love,
Me
Help us to remain faithful to dialogging. It is so important. We must remain connected and intimate, and dialogging is such an important part of that. Amen!
MDDL:
Your MEQ today was being sensitive to my body and knowing that I needed to go to the health club. You knew me better than I knew myself! You are so special and considerate of me!
I have missed dialogging. I did not want to be demanding of you while you were sick, so I did not push our continuing to dialog. I waited for you to feel better. I am so glad that you feel better now.
I find dialogging very special. It is a special way for me to connect to you in the area of emotions. I have been a cold, unemotional person for much of my life. This was because my emotions were so profoundly toxic and powerfully negative that if I ever allowed myself to feel them fully, I was afraid I would lose myself in them.
Knowing you has allowed me to become more emotionally. This is because the process of losing our way and then rediscovering it has brought many emotions to the surface. I am feeling now.
I feel like the character in the movie equilibrium. Once he stops taking his "dose", he begins to feel emotions. That's what this feels like. An awakening to a new state.
I always wondered why I so profoundly related to the struggle of Data in the TV series Star Trek TNG. He wanted so badly to have emotions. Yet he saw how humans struggled with them. This is how I felt. In many ways I have been cut off from simply human feelings most of my life. I simply did not give myself the luxury of feeling them. Or if I did they terrified me, with their gruesome, brutal power. I can now face them and deal with them more functionally and fully than I have ever been able to do. This is the result of the growth in life that has occurred in me from the recovery of our love and tenderness.
I feel. I have feelings now. Dialogging gets me in touch with those feelings. They are amazing. I am tired right now. Profoundly and amazingly tired. But that's OK. It is simply a feeling.
I have also been in a lot of pain. Emotions are like physical pain and pleasure in a way. We use the same verb, to feel, for both sensations. I am in a state of constant physical discomfort. I have learned to not feel this. I do not think that is a good thing anymore. I am tired of having to not feel. I want to experience these feelings as well. I want to be well again.
I need your help with that. Maybe we can dialog on that later.
I felt wistful and sad that we were not dialogging, but now we are again, so I feel happy. My feeling of being happy is like a sunflower. It is a joyful feeling. I like to dialog with you soooo much. It is a wonderful way for us to share our feelings. If it were a color, it would be bright sunny yellow.
Your love and our relationship fill me with joy and hope. When we are not talking, spending time together, or such, I feel sad and lonely. When we get to be together and talk, or hang out, I am happy and content. I really want to be with you and to be connected with you sooo much. I love you dearly.
Love,
Me
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