Dear LORD:
Be with us today as we simply spend time together. I love Ruth so much! Help us to regroup, recharge and get ready for the next challenges of next week. Amen!
MDDL:
You MEQ today was giving me a smiling kiss when I brought you coffee. I love to kiss your smiling face!
The way I feel when I put aside my feelings and reach out to you is transformed.
I find that our relationship is a pathway for my spiritual transformation. As I deny myself and my feelings and reach out to you, I overcome the selfishness and self-centeredness of my ego, and my true nature shines through.
An example would be this week when I was calling you very frequently. I would be going along with my day, doing whatever, going to some meeting or another. I could have simply stayed in my spot, in my own feelings, desires and such. But instead I made a conscious decision to call you. I kept my mind, heart and feelings turned towards you. Because you were constantly on my mind, if I had a few minutes, I just hit "3" on my cellphone. If you were there, great! We always had a great talk, and you were thrilled to hear my voice, as I was to hear yours. If not, I left you a nice voicemail as well. Or I sent you a text.
I loved our texts this week, didn't you!
In this way, I stayed emotionally and spiritually connected to you all week. It was great! Not only did our emotional lives become fuller, but I overcame my funk. I stayed in a much better mood. I did not allow myself to wallow in self pity about being away from you and isolated. Instead, I did something constructive and productive about it. That's true transformation! Doing something about an issue in your life instead of wallowing. Yeah!
An example from nature of the feeling of transformation would be like a flower blooming, a small bud becoming a beautiful blossom. Or like a caterpillar spinning a cocoon and then emerging as a beautiful butterfly. Or perhaps like my refrigerator magnet of the baby turtle emerging from the egg.
It is a beautiful feeling, very strong, definitely a "10". The color is golden, like the sun.
I love you!
Love,
Me
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Sunday, September 28, 2008
HDIF about being responsible for my own needs? DYFF
MDDL:
You MEQ today was the cute way you thanked me for being with you today at lunch and when we went shopping. That was precious!
The way I feel about being responsible for my own needs, especially during this period of heavy travel load, is lonely.
I miss you, honestly.
I am very, very glad that we are going to be together in California during the middle of October. I have missed having you with me. I love to be with you.
The loneliness that I feel when I travel alone, and am responsible for my own needs, is like the first day you come to a new school as a child. Your best friend has been left behind at your old school. You don't know anyone here. And all of your peers have established their own little cliches which don't include you. You are effectively alone in a roomful of people, strangers who don't know you and don't care about you. You cannot seem to find a connection. You are afraid you might never become integrated into this new group.
That is the way it feels to me. I come to yet another city, yet another hotel, yet another set of meetings, all of which should be very glamorous and exciting. Except for one thing. You are not there. The one person on this ball of rock that I most care about and most long to be with is left behind.
It is like the color brown. Yucky and dark and heavy. It feels like I am covered with a coating of lead, like my arms and legs are heavy and leaden. I am listless. I have no energy. I just want to be with you. I just want to break free of the weight of this tiresome duty. I want to come home.
My feeling when I am away from you is very, very strong, definitely a 110. I hate it.
I would love to find a job which does not require me to pay this price. I will work on that some more.
I must close now. It is time to go to yoga. I look forward to dialoging with you tonight.
Love,
Me
You MEQ today was the cute way you thanked me for being with you today at lunch and when we went shopping. That was precious!
The way I feel about being responsible for my own needs, especially during this period of heavy travel load, is lonely.
I miss you, honestly.
I am very, very glad that we are going to be together in California during the middle of October. I have missed having you with me. I love to be with you.
The loneliness that I feel when I travel alone, and am responsible for my own needs, is like the first day you come to a new school as a child. Your best friend has been left behind at your old school. You don't know anyone here. And all of your peers have established their own little cliches which don't include you. You are effectively alone in a roomful of people, strangers who don't know you and don't care about you. You cannot seem to find a connection. You are afraid you might never become integrated into this new group.
That is the way it feels to me. I come to yet another city, yet another hotel, yet another set of meetings, all of which should be very glamorous and exciting. Except for one thing. You are not there. The one person on this ball of rock that I most care about and most long to be with is left behind.
It is like the color brown. Yucky and dark and heavy. It feels like I am covered with a coating of lead, like my arms and legs are heavy and leaden. I am listless. I have no energy. I just want to be with you. I just want to break free of the weight of this tiresome duty. I want to come home.
My feeling when I am away from you is very, very strong, definitely a 110. I hate it.
I would love to find a job which does not require me to pay this price. I will work on that some more.
I must close now. It is time to go to yoga. I look forward to dialoging with you tonight.
Love,
Me
Friday, July 4, 2008
Our scedules are very demanding. How do you feel we should we coordinate and prioritize our schedules? HDIFAMA?
Dear LORD:
Be with us as we are together tonight. I am so in love with my sweetheart. Be with us as we dialog together. Amen!
MDDL:
Your MEQ today has been your diligence in looking for an apartment for our son, Samuel. It touched my heart when you referred to him today as "our baby".
The way we have been coordinating and prioritizing our schedules up till now has been very ad hoc and very tactical. We tend to focus more on what is urgent, and less on what is important. I think we should make a longer term plan. We miss a lot by short term thinking.
The things that pay off in the long terms are things like your education, getting the taxes filed, getting out of debt, practicing yoga, maintaining a healthy lifestyle and the like. Plus continuing our spiritual pursuits and making time for our relationship. These are the top priority items that we should be focusing on.
We tend to get sucked into shorter term thinking about things like Samuel's and Jon's relationship issues, Jeanae's current crisis or drama, my job, your job, and the like.
I got in touch with this propensity for short term thinking a few days ago. There was a show on NPR which was discussing the issue of the GI bill. My life was completely transformed by the GI bill when my father was able to get an education and escape the cycle of poverty as a result of the benefits he received in WWII. It turns out that every dollar that was invested in educational benefits for veterans after WWII was repaid tenfold in tax revenues from the increased earnings these folks earned during their lives.
Which begs the obvious question: Why doesn't the government simply pay for college for everyone? Many countries do this. Ireland for example. Also Switzerland. All education is free because the government recognizes that people who earn more pay more taxes and thus the investment in peoples lives is a huge payoff.
So why don't we do this in our country? Because it takes too long for the payoff to occur. The period required is in decades not in the short term time horizon of most politicians. Thus, they do not fund education (or even the GI bill) nearly as much as would be appropriate considering the payoff.
This short term way of thinking is baked into our entire society. EMC is like this. I suspect that the Refectory Cafe probably is too. It is part of the insanity and dysfunction of our society that we ignore long term opportunities by looking at the short term. I see us doing that in our own lives. I do it in my life all the time. I am more focused on getting my expense report filed than I am on getting the taxes filed, although the dollar value of the taxes is at least 20x the amount of the expense report. Again, what is most urgent is not necessarily the most important.
I would like for us to really take some time to create long term goals and write them down. Then come up with measurable time periods for us to achieve those goals. Finally, I would like for us to figure out concreate, measurable things we can do to move towards those goals. I would also like for us to do this repeatedly and iteratively, on a scheduled basis. By doing this, we can actually move our lives in the directions we choose, rather than simply allowing life to happen to us.
The way I feel about this is very optimistic. I feel a level of maturity and optimism within myself that I have not felt in pretty much any other time in my life. The color is like a deep rich green, of abundant life, springing up from rich soil. It feels like health returning after a long period of illness, when you can finally breath again after a cold for example. (You know that first sneeze you have after being stopped up for a long time? Delicious!)
The feeling is definitely a 10. It is quite strong. I want for us to do this together. We can do this and we will.
I love you.
Love,
Me
Be with us as we are together tonight. I am so in love with my sweetheart. Be with us as we dialog together. Amen!
MDDL:
Your MEQ today has been your diligence in looking for an apartment for our son, Samuel. It touched my heart when you referred to him today as "our baby".
The way we have been coordinating and prioritizing our schedules up till now has been very ad hoc and very tactical. We tend to focus more on what is urgent, and less on what is important. I think we should make a longer term plan. We miss a lot by short term thinking.
The things that pay off in the long terms are things like your education, getting the taxes filed, getting out of debt, practicing yoga, maintaining a healthy lifestyle and the like. Plus continuing our spiritual pursuits and making time for our relationship. These are the top priority items that we should be focusing on.
We tend to get sucked into shorter term thinking about things like Samuel's and Jon's relationship issues, Jeanae's current crisis or drama, my job, your job, and the like.
I got in touch with this propensity for short term thinking a few days ago. There was a show on NPR which was discussing the issue of the GI bill. My life was completely transformed by the GI bill when my father was able to get an education and escape the cycle of poverty as a result of the benefits he received in WWII. It turns out that every dollar that was invested in educational benefits for veterans after WWII was repaid tenfold in tax revenues from the increased earnings these folks earned during their lives.
Which begs the obvious question: Why doesn't the government simply pay for college for everyone? Many countries do this. Ireland for example. Also Switzerland. All education is free because the government recognizes that people who earn more pay more taxes and thus the investment in peoples lives is a huge payoff.
So why don't we do this in our country? Because it takes too long for the payoff to occur. The period required is in decades not in the short term time horizon of most politicians. Thus, they do not fund education (or even the GI bill) nearly as much as would be appropriate considering the payoff.
This short term way of thinking is baked into our entire society. EMC is like this. I suspect that the Refectory Cafe probably is too. It is part of the insanity and dysfunction of our society that we ignore long term opportunities by looking at the short term. I see us doing that in our own lives. I do it in my life all the time. I am more focused on getting my expense report filed than I am on getting the taxes filed, although the dollar value of the taxes is at least 20x the amount of the expense report. Again, what is most urgent is not necessarily the most important.
I would like for us to really take some time to create long term goals and write them down. Then come up with measurable time periods for us to achieve those goals. Finally, I would like for us to figure out concreate, measurable things we can do to move towards those goals. I would also like for us to do this repeatedly and iteratively, on a scheduled basis. By doing this, we can actually move our lives in the directions we choose, rather than simply allowing life to happen to us.
The way I feel about this is very optimistic. I feel a level of maturity and optimism within myself that I have not felt in pretty much any other time in my life. The color is like a deep rich green, of abundant life, springing up from rich soil. It feels like health returning after a long period of illness, when you can finally breath again after a cold for example. (You know that first sneeze you have after being stopped up for a long time? Delicious!)
The feeling is definitely a 10. It is quite strong. I want for us to do this together. We can do this and we will.
I love you.
Love,
Me
How do I feel about money and our differences of opinion in this area?
Dear LORD:
I appreciate the invention of emotions, but why money? Makes no sense to me. It just causes trouble. Surely you could have done without that one. I will certainly want to discuss this with you when I see you. Amen!
MDDL:
Your MEQ just now was cuddling with me when we were in the meeting. I found that very cute and endearing.
We recently had a disagreement which illustrates our difference of opinion in the area of money. I wanted to pay down the Chase credit card (basically cutting the balance in half) and you wanted me to go into the hardship program. This disagreement became quite sharp although we were able to reach a compromise (by paying two cards instead of one in the same amount).
This illustrates the difference of opinion we have in this area: I want to pay off credit cards as soon as possible and you want to spread out the payments by going into the hardship program. This makes no sense to me. Are you aware that over the period that you pay off the card, they will charge you far, far more interest than if you had simply paid the thing down? Like if you have $1,000 balance that you are paying at a rate of 7% over 5 years, you will pay $70 per year for five years = $350. That’s 35%! If you had simply paid the thing off within a short period of time, you could avoid almost all of the interest entirely. Plus have the damn thing off of your shoulders.
We learned a technique to get out of debt recently from Hans Johnson. Pay off the card with the lowest balance first. Then use the amount that you were paying on that card to attack the second card. And so forth. By doing this, you can reduce your debt very rapidly. There was nothing in that plan about going into hardship programs.
By being in a hardship program, we are tying ourselves to a five year payout and we are thus indebted to “The Man” for a long, long time. To me, this just makes no sense, especially if we have extra money to pay down credit card debt. While I am some making extra money, I would like to pay balances down as rapidly as possible, get as much of this burden off of our shoulders as possible, and then go from there.
The way this makes me feel is choked. When I think about having a large credit card debt, even at a low interest rate, on my shoulders for a long, long time, I feel choked and smothering. It feels like the wind has been knocked out of me. It feels like you am in an elevator and the thing has stopped moving. Further, you hit the alarm and nothing happens. You are trapped. You don’t know if anyone knows about your situation or not. You are just stuck. This is a very intense feeling, at least an 8.
Another example would be when we were whitewater rafting and I went down. I was under for a long, long time. I probably swallowed a gallon of river water. I was completely sure I was going to die. That was a feeling of being choked, not being able to breath, not sure if you were going to make it or not.
Another example would be when we were indebted to the IRS for a million bucks. That felt the same way. Choking the life out of us. Making us feel trapped.
Another example is how it feels when someone is sitting on your chest. CSI calls this positional asphyxia. You can’t breathe because your chest is being compressed. I am not sure if you have had that experience or not, but I have. It feels terrible, and that is how our burden of credit card debt feels to me.
The 401K loan feels that way too, but there is nothing I can do about that until we file our taxes. I can pay down some of these credit cards though. I want to get the balances of as many cards as possible down to zero and then stop using them entirely. I have over $2,000 of balance available on the Chase card, and have not charged a penny on it BTW. Like I told you in that conversation, this is a brand new day, and you need to stop worrying about me charging up balances on credit cards. Nothing could tempt me to do that anymore than anyone could talk me into eating a 24 ounce porterhouse steak. I recognize poison when I see it now. And credit cards are poison, just as much as red meat is.
I want out of this box. I must get free. I must get out of this trap. I do not want to owe any more money to anyone at all, especially credit card companies. I want to just be out from underneath this burden. Free at last. Free at last.
You are probably coming pretty soon so I will close. You are my best friend and the love of my life. I will love you forever. You can trust in that. I am so into you, baby!
Love
Me
90/90
Dear LORD:
Be with us during the 90/90 writing and sharing period. This is a crucial period in the Retrouvaille process. Give us both your grace. Amen!
MDDL:
Your MEQ today was getting up, getting ready and wanting to go to breakfast. Your commitment to the Retrouvaille process is very strong. Thank you for your diligence!
Question 1: Why do I want to go on living?
The Howard J. Browning philosophy (life is grim, grim shit and the like) would argue that there is not any real reason to go on living. He did not himself end his own life (although he tried to talk me into doing it for him). However, he certainly motivated others around him, me included, to have the attitude that life was not worth living.
I have chosen a different path. Much of my life has been focused on the negative. Now, having read Eckhart Tolle, Stephen Cope and the like, I understand the reason why. The ego with its associated pain body feeds on the negative emotions. Positive emotions don’t really do much for the pain body. It far prefers the negative.
Howard Browning was certainly one of the most unconscious, insane, dysfunctional people I have ever known. It is doubtful he would have ever come to any measure of spiritual growth without the motivation of his impending death. His pain body must have been powerful! I have had lots of pain as well, much proximately caused by him and his nonsense. But while I have struggled with the pain and negative emotions from my past, I have also been open to the reality of another way that might lead to a better place. This is why I have been a spiritual seeker much of my life. Even before I found Christ, I was a reader of spiritual literature like Frank Herbert’s Dune, Carlos Castenada’s Conversations with Don Juan and the like. This eventually led me to the place where I am today.
So when I consider why I might want to go on living, there are many reasons that I can think of.
I enjoy my relationship with you first and foremost. It is a lot of work, sure, but it is also great fun and a joy to behold. I find you fascinating and fun to be with. Your feisty, spunky personality is engaging and cool. You are great in bed. You have a deep, personal relationship with God and you are interested in growing in that area. There are many aspects of your character that I find appealing and wonderful.
I also am developing a relationship with myself which is more agreeable than it has been in a long time. Through the work of personal transformation, I am becoming aware of aspects of my character that I had never known. I am also aware of the fact that I can change, grow and become something more than what I have been.
I like to use movies as an example of spiritual growth. One of the most spiritual movies in recent years is Pleasantville. In that film, you see the use of black and white versus color as a metaphor for spiritual reality. At the beginning of the movie all of the people in the film are in black and white. As they engage with life and become aware of their potential, they take on color. The black and white state is a symbol of the fact that their reality is flat and two-dimensional. When they assume colors then they have come to know the richness and multiplicity of life.
That is how it feels to me now. It is like the old Jeff, the tortured soul, living in a state of constant death, was black and white. When I read Eckhart Tolle on the plane on the way to Memphis Tennessee (having bought the book in Charlotte Airport), the world turned from black and white to color. I can’t describe it any other way. My Christian walk, the period of searching before that, all of it came into focus in an entirely new way.
It’s like I said to you once: The best spiritual literature gives you two strong, seemingly contradictory, impressions simultaneously:
I must confess something to you now. In our recent meeting with Don Meredith, you said that we were taking yoga only for exercise and not for the spiritual aspects. That was true for me at one time, but it is not true any longer. The spiritual side of yoga practice has become central for me.
When you said this, I understood why. The level of bigotry, ignorance and superstition of many Christians (particularly conservative fundamentalist evangelicals) towards yoga is well known. Ray and Debbie were deeply persecuted by their Christian friends during the period they practiced yoga. Eventually they stopped practicing as a result of this persecution. They are open to our practice because of their experience, but I can tell that they are ambivalent. On the one hand, they want us to reap the benefits they obtained from yoga (which surely included some of the benefits we have received as well). On the other hand, they know we will probably be rejected and persecuted by conservative Christians like Cari. Thus, they are conflicted.
I was in the same state at first, which is the reason why I avoided yoga for so long. After you suggested Bikram yoga before, I actually visited Naeda’s studio once, and checked it out (although I did not take a class). I was wearing orthodic inserts in my shoes at that time, so that was a problem. Anyway, I did not go down that path at the time, and most of this was due to the teachings I received from the Church regarding yoga.
But I can tell you that yoga, and especially Eckhart Tolle, have given me more insight into the Christian walk than I have received in years. It is like I understand the scriptures in an entirely new way, one which is experiential instead of intellectual. The “still small voice”? Yeah, I can hear that now. I totally understand that one. How about “take my yoke upon you for my yoke is easy and my burden is light”? Of course. The word “yoga” simply means “yoke”. They are one and the same word. The scripture concerning sowing and reaping from Galatians 3? I have told you how I understand that experientially in a completely different way now. There are dozens and dozens of other examples I could cite. In fact, I am considering rereading the bible (probably really reading it for the first time) simply because of this new insight that I have at this point into the mystical parts of the scriptures.
In one of my yoga classes I arrived early. Previously I had spent that time stretching and warming up. This time, I simply went into savasana and entered a deep state of relaxation (what I now understand to be meditation). Then when the class began, I simply remained in that state. That class was the most easy, relaxed, natural class I had had up to that point. I remained in that meditative state the entire time. When we got to final savasana, I entered a deep, profound level of relaxation and awareness. Every sound I heard was amazingly pronounced. It was like each sound was made out of crystal. My mind ceased its constant rambling, and I entered a state of profound stillness, focusing simply on the breath and my body. I could feel the life within my body like a vibration. I entered a state of total bliss, completely at peace, without care, worry or trouble. My focus was not on my past with its tortured state. Nor was it on my future with all the doubts, unmet potential, burdens and demands of this life. It was simply on the present moment. The state of Now, in which I felt each breath as an influx of life.
If this is meditation (yes, I will use that word), then I think that is an absolutely terrific thing and I want more of it. If this is a Zen state (even more edgy) then, fine. I can be a Christian and do that too. In fact, I believe now that what is profoundly broken and dysfunctional about the Christian church (surely one of the most insane, destructive institutions on our insane planet), is that more Christians are not doing more of this thing that they so profoundly reject.
I remember early in my Christian walk when we lived in Dallas and were going to Church on the Rock and Shady Grove Church and I was being influenced by people like Bob Larson. He was surely in a category of Christians who rejected meditative practice (including yoga) by labeling it as “demonic”. He believed that by emptying the mind and entering a meditative state that we were inviting demons to possess us. He actually told Christians to never empty or still their mind. They needed to stay firmly rooted in their foreground consciousness, as a protection against the influence of demons who would surely try to invade if the mind was stilled.
Based upon Eckhart Tolle, I now believe the exact opposite. If you read the chapter in A New Earth on the pain body, what Eckhart Tolle describes is exactly the same as demonic possession. This thing which is composed of our painful memories and hurts, is actually alive and wants to preserve its own existence. By being focused on the foreground consciousness (the ego), we remain in the state of dysfunction and insanity, and we actually strengthen the pain body and its hold on our lives.
Having listened to Bob Larson for years, I certainly would put him in the category of a very egoic, dysfunctional and insane person. Thus, in his terms, he was demonically oppressed. Possibly even possessed by his pain body. His depressing, guilt laden manner of relating to the world was certainly one of the most egoic I have ever known.
He would of course be violently offended by that comment. Whatever. This has been my experience. I was once much more oppressed, depressed, confused, and harassed than I am now. I actually have peace in my life much of the time. Yoga, with its meditative states, has given me that, and that is certainly a reason to live. If that gives my Christian friends a reason to doubt my faith, then so be it.
Question 2: I need your help specifically in my physical condition.
You have been amazingly, wonderfully supportive in the area of my physical condition. The fact that I am where I am today with my diet, yoga and so forth is due in no small part to your influence. You have always been completely supportive of me. I rely on that. Please keep doing that. I am sure you have no intention of stopping, but I just wanted you to know how much it means to me and how much I rely on it.
Right now I am completely miserable physically. Having said that, I am not letting it bother me too much. I know this weekend is important, and I am taking the time and effort to do the work. If this means we miss yoga for a day or two, that is a price I am willing to pay. But my body is definitely crying out for exercise. Sitting for the entire day in complete inactivity is something that I have not done in a long, long time. I need exercise. I need to sweat. My skin is killing me. I want to claw it off. My joints are also inflamed and sore. I am not sleeping well. You get the idea.
Maybe we can do yoga this evening after we get back to Todd and Patti’s house? I know you don’t want to stay for the mass. It should be plenty hot enough at that time of day. We could go out on Todd and Patti’s back porch and just go for it. That would surely help me greatly.
In terms of tomorrow, we are on the ground at about 4:30 p.m. local time, and there is a 6:30 p.m. class at Open Door. If you are up for it, we could head straight over there from the airport. After we get our luggage, and get to the car, it should be about right. Let me know if that works for you.
Long term, it is obvious that my body is going to require some maintenance. I need to stay on a strictly vegan diet. I go through waves of strictness and laxness, but the core stays the same: No meat, dairy, chicken, fish or such. As many whole foods (fresh fruits and vegetables, nuts, whole grains and beans) as possible. I should probably eliminate wheat and refined carbs again after we get back to the home base. That is hard to do while travelling.
In terms of exercise, nothing works better (or even remotely as well) as yoga. Yes, it is expensive and time consuming. But well worth it, as I have heard you say more than once. I want you to know how much I appreciate how supportive and positive you have been so far in this area. I love you so much for that. You are amazing. I also thrill at the changes to your body as a result of your yoga practice and diet changes. You are blossoming like a beautiful flower.
Question 3: Where do you think God should be in our relationship?
I am on a spiritual quest. That quest has as much to do with our relationship as it has to do with my own life. The two are related. I regard our relationship as a canvas upon which God paints the growth in life he wants for both of us to achieve.
As I told you last night, we are spiritually connected with a bond which He created. That bond is very, very strong and resilient. We might as well cooperate with it, because we will surely fail if we try to break it. Not that I would ever want to. I am completely devoted to you as my beloved wife. Even when we were separated, I ached for you every day. I remember sitting in the living room in our house in Chapel Hill with Jeanae crying and telling her how much I missed you. As angry as we both were it was inevitable that we would eventually be reunited. We are one together in a way which is completely impossible to break.
The fact that you were instrumental in guiding and steering me in the direction of yoga is an excellent example. Once I had found a form of exercise that you enjoyed doing as well, I was definitely going for that. I enjoy being with you so much in the practice room. When you look over at me during final savasana and I see the peace and joy on your face (as you did on Friday morning), that is priceless to me.
The bottom line is that God is very central to my understanding of what our relationship should be. Having said that, my relationship with God, and my understanding of what it means to even have a relationship with him is changing very fast. I think this is true for you as well. Once again, we are on a parallel path, a spiritual journey together. While these paths never converge (because we are still two distinct individuals) they also never diverge (because we are also one united being together). This is contradictory, but that is the nature of many mysteries. Free will versus predestination. The trinity. And so forth.
Question 4: What are the qualities that most attracted me to you?
As I looked over in the choir loft and saw you two rows down and a bit to my right at COTR that Wednesday night, the things that attracted me were:
Love,
Me
Be with us during the 90/90 writing and sharing period. This is a crucial period in the Retrouvaille process. Give us both your grace. Amen!
MDDL:
Your MEQ today was getting up, getting ready and wanting to go to breakfast. Your commitment to the Retrouvaille process is very strong. Thank you for your diligence!
Question 1: Why do I want to go on living?
The Howard J. Browning philosophy (life is grim, grim shit and the like) would argue that there is not any real reason to go on living. He did not himself end his own life (although he tried to talk me into doing it for him). However, he certainly motivated others around him, me included, to have the attitude that life was not worth living.
I have chosen a different path. Much of my life has been focused on the negative. Now, having read Eckhart Tolle, Stephen Cope and the like, I understand the reason why. The ego with its associated pain body feeds on the negative emotions. Positive emotions don’t really do much for the pain body. It far prefers the negative.
Howard Browning was certainly one of the most unconscious, insane, dysfunctional people I have ever known. It is doubtful he would have ever come to any measure of spiritual growth without the motivation of his impending death. His pain body must have been powerful! I have had lots of pain as well, much proximately caused by him and his nonsense. But while I have struggled with the pain and negative emotions from my past, I have also been open to the reality of another way that might lead to a better place. This is why I have been a spiritual seeker much of my life. Even before I found Christ, I was a reader of spiritual literature like Frank Herbert’s Dune, Carlos Castenada’s Conversations with Don Juan and the like. This eventually led me to the place where I am today.
So when I consider why I might want to go on living, there are many reasons that I can think of.
I enjoy my relationship with you first and foremost. It is a lot of work, sure, but it is also great fun and a joy to behold. I find you fascinating and fun to be with. Your feisty, spunky personality is engaging and cool. You are great in bed. You have a deep, personal relationship with God and you are interested in growing in that area. There are many aspects of your character that I find appealing and wonderful.
I also am developing a relationship with myself which is more agreeable than it has been in a long time. Through the work of personal transformation, I am becoming aware of aspects of my character that I had never known. I am also aware of the fact that I can change, grow and become something more than what I have been.
I like to use movies as an example of spiritual growth. One of the most spiritual movies in recent years is Pleasantville. In that film, you see the use of black and white versus color as a metaphor for spiritual reality. At the beginning of the movie all of the people in the film are in black and white. As they engage with life and become aware of their potential, they take on color. The black and white state is a symbol of the fact that their reality is flat and two-dimensional. When they assume colors then they have come to know the richness and multiplicity of life.
That is how it feels to me now. It is like the old Jeff, the tortured soul, living in a state of constant death, was black and white. When I read Eckhart Tolle on the plane on the way to Memphis Tennessee (having bought the book in Charlotte Airport), the world turned from black and white to color. I can’t describe it any other way. My Christian walk, the period of searching before that, all of it came into focus in an entirely new way.
It’s like I said to you once: The best spiritual literature gives you two strong, seemingly contradictory, impressions simultaneously:
- This is something you have always known, somehow. It resonates with your view of reality at a deep level. You have a sense of recognition.
- This is completely mind-blowing, a totally new paradigm, a new way of relating to reality. It completely blows away your notions about spiritual life. You are required to reexamine everything.
I must confess something to you now. In our recent meeting with Don Meredith, you said that we were taking yoga only for exercise and not for the spiritual aspects. That was true for me at one time, but it is not true any longer. The spiritual side of yoga practice has become central for me.
When you said this, I understood why. The level of bigotry, ignorance and superstition of many Christians (particularly conservative fundamentalist evangelicals) towards yoga is well known. Ray and Debbie were deeply persecuted by their Christian friends during the period they practiced yoga. Eventually they stopped practicing as a result of this persecution. They are open to our practice because of their experience, but I can tell that they are ambivalent. On the one hand, they want us to reap the benefits they obtained from yoga (which surely included some of the benefits we have received as well). On the other hand, they know we will probably be rejected and persecuted by conservative Christians like Cari. Thus, they are conflicted.
I was in the same state at first, which is the reason why I avoided yoga for so long. After you suggested Bikram yoga before, I actually visited Naeda’s studio once, and checked it out (although I did not take a class). I was wearing orthodic inserts in my shoes at that time, so that was a problem. Anyway, I did not go down that path at the time, and most of this was due to the teachings I received from the Church regarding yoga.
But I can tell you that yoga, and especially Eckhart Tolle, have given me more insight into the Christian walk than I have received in years. It is like I understand the scriptures in an entirely new way, one which is experiential instead of intellectual. The “still small voice”? Yeah, I can hear that now. I totally understand that one. How about “take my yoke upon you for my yoke is easy and my burden is light”? Of course. The word “yoga” simply means “yoke”. They are one and the same word. The scripture concerning sowing and reaping from Galatians 3? I have told you how I understand that experientially in a completely different way now. There are dozens and dozens of other examples I could cite. In fact, I am considering rereading the bible (probably really reading it for the first time) simply because of this new insight that I have at this point into the mystical parts of the scriptures.
In one of my yoga classes I arrived early. Previously I had spent that time stretching and warming up. This time, I simply went into savasana and entered a deep state of relaxation (what I now understand to be meditation). Then when the class began, I simply remained in that state. That class was the most easy, relaxed, natural class I had had up to that point. I remained in that meditative state the entire time. When we got to final savasana, I entered a deep, profound level of relaxation and awareness. Every sound I heard was amazingly pronounced. It was like each sound was made out of crystal. My mind ceased its constant rambling, and I entered a state of profound stillness, focusing simply on the breath and my body. I could feel the life within my body like a vibration. I entered a state of total bliss, completely at peace, without care, worry or trouble. My focus was not on my past with its tortured state. Nor was it on my future with all the doubts, unmet potential, burdens and demands of this life. It was simply on the present moment. The state of Now, in which I felt each breath as an influx of life.
If this is meditation (yes, I will use that word), then I think that is an absolutely terrific thing and I want more of it. If this is a Zen state (even more edgy) then, fine. I can be a Christian and do that too. In fact, I believe now that what is profoundly broken and dysfunctional about the Christian church (surely one of the most insane, destructive institutions on our insane planet), is that more Christians are not doing more of this thing that they so profoundly reject.
I remember early in my Christian walk when we lived in Dallas and were going to Church on the Rock and Shady Grove Church and I was being influenced by people like Bob Larson. He was surely in a category of Christians who rejected meditative practice (including yoga) by labeling it as “demonic”. He believed that by emptying the mind and entering a meditative state that we were inviting demons to possess us. He actually told Christians to never empty or still their mind. They needed to stay firmly rooted in their foreground consciousness, as a protection against the influence of demons who would surely try to invade if the mind was stilled.
Based upon Eckhart Tolle, I now believe the exact opposite. If you read the chapter in A New Earth on the pain body, what Eckhart Tolle describes is exactly the same as demonic possession. This thing which is composed of our painful memories and hurts, is actually alive and wants to preserve its own existence. By being focused on the foreground consciousness (the ego), we remain in the state of dysfunction and insanity, and we actually strengthen the pain body and its hold on our lives.
Having listened to Bob Larson for years, I certainly would put him in the category of a very egoic, dysfunctional and insane person. Thus, in his terms, he was demonically oppressed. Possibly even possessed by his pain body. His depressing, guilt laden manner of relating to the world was certainly one of the most egoic I have ever known.
He would of course be violently offended by that comment. Whatever. This has been my experience. I was once much more oppressed, depressed, confused, and harassed than I am now. I actually have peace in my life much of the time. Yoga, with its meditative states, has given me that, and that is certainly a reason to live. If that gives my Christian friends a reason to doubt my faith, then so be it.
Question 2: I need your help specifically in my physical condition.
You have been amazingly, wonderfully supportive in the area of my physical condition. The fact that I am where I am today with my diet, yoga and so forth is due in no small part to your influence. You have always been completely supportive of me. I rely on that. Please keep doing that. I am sure you have no intention of stopping, but I just wanted you to know how much it means to me and how much I rely on it.
Right now I am completely miserable physically. Having said that, I am not letting it bother me too much. I know this weekend is important, and I am taking the time and effort to do the work. If this means we miss yoga for a day or two, that is a price I am willing to pay. But my body is definitely crying out for exercise. Sitting for the entire day in complete inactivity is something that I have not done in a long, long time. I need exercise. I need to sweat. My skin is killing me. I want to claw it off. My joints are also inflamed and sore. I am not sleeping well. You get the idea.
Maybe we can do yoga this evening after we get back to Todd and Patti’s house? I know you don’t want to stay for the mass. It should be plenty hot enough at that time of day. We could go out on Todd and Patti’s back porch and just go for it. That would surely help me greatly.
In terms of tomorrow, we are on the ground at about 4:30 p.m. local time, and there is a 6:30 p.m. class at Open Door. If you are up for it, we could head straight over there from the airport. After we get our luggage, and get to the car, it should be about right. Let me know if that works for you.
Long term, it is obvious that my body is going to require some maintenance. I need to stay on a strictly vegan diet. I go through waves of strictness and laxness, but the core stays the same: No meat, dairy, chicken, fish or such. As many whole foods (fresh fruits and vegetables, nuts, whole grains and beans) as possible. I should probably eliminate wheat and refined carbs again after we get back to the home base. That is hard to do while travelling.
In terms of exercise, nothing works better (or even remotely as well) as yoga. Yes, it is expensive and time consuming. But well worth it, as I have heard you say more than once. I want you to know how much I appreciate how supportive and positive you have been so far in this area. I love you so much for that. You are amazing. I also thrill at the changes to your body as a result of your yoga practice and diet changes. You are blossoming like a beautiful flower.
Question 3: Where do you think God should be in our relationship?
I am on a spiritual quest. That quest has as much to do with our relationship as it has to do with my own life. The two are related. I regard our relationship as a canvas upon which God paints the growth in life he wants for both of us to achieve.
As I told you last night, we are spiritually connected with a bond which He created. That bond is very, very strong and resilient. We might as well cooperate with it, because we will surely fail if we try to break it. Not that I would ever want to. I am completely devoted to you as my beloved wife. Even when we were separated, I ached for you every day. I remember sitting in the living room in our house in Chapel Hill with Jeanae crying and telling her how much I missed you. As angry as we both were it was inevitable that we would eventually be reunited. We are one together in a way which is completely impossible to break.
The fact that you were instrumental in guiding and steering me in the direction of yoga is an excellent example. Once I had found a form of exercise that you enjoyed doing as well, I was definitely going for that. I enjoy being with you so much in the practice room. When you look over at me during final savasana and I see the peace and joy on your face (as you did on Friday morning), that is priceless to me.
The bottom line is that God is very central to my understanding of what our relationship should be. Having said that, my relationship with God, and my understanding of what it means to even have a relationship with him is changing very fast. I think this is true for you as well. Once again, we are on a parallel path, a spiritual journey together. While these paths never converge (because we are still two distinct individuals) they also never diverge (because we are also one united being together). This is contradictory, but that is the nature of many mysteries. Free will versus predestination. The trinity. And so forth.
Question 4: What are the qualities that most attracted me to you?
As I looked over in the choir loft and saw you two rows down and a bit to my right at COTR that Wednesday night, the things that attracted me were:
- I perceived that you were your own person and you did not take any shit from anyone. I like that about you. My mother was a complete carpet and I hated that about her. I wanted a woman who would stand up to me.
- I found you (and still find you) very physically attractive. I liked your coloring, your pale skin and blue eyes.
- I was attracted to your spirituality which I saw as very genuine. You were not going to COTR as a singles bar. You were more interested in God than you were in dating and men. That was very different from the other women in that church.
Love,
Me
HDIF about continuing to dialog this week?
Dear LORD:
Thank you for this weekend. It has been really great. I have loved being here with my sweetheart. She is such a treasure. Thank you for the opportunity for us to be here together. Amen!
MDDL:
Your MEQ was making love to me at the 90/90. That was awesome. When I walked in the door from getting ice and found you, I was blown away!
The way I feel about continuing to dialog this week is terrific! I am enjoying this process of dialog very much. We are fine tuning things like picking the questions. I like the idea of picking the questions at the end of each dialog session. We have been spending too much time writing as well. I like the discipline of keeping the writing to 10 minutes. I know I tend to write way too much. I think we can get much better at this and in the process improve our communication immensely.
The terrific feeling I have about dialoging this week is like the feeling you get eating a Popsicle on a very, very hot day. You know, when the sun is beating down and it is very hot and sticky. You get the Popsicle and you have to eat it really fast before it melts. You bend over while you are eating it so the melting part does not drip on you. It drips all over your face and fingers. Despite all of that, when you take a bite of the Popsicle, you have a terrific feeling of coolness. It is like your entire body goes “Ahhhhhhhhhh!”
The color is bright orange, like the color of a ripe tangerine. It is very strong, definitely a 10.
In terms of a shared memory, it would be like the day that I bought you the brand new Toyota Land Cruiser and you were very excited by having this new car. It was absolutely terrific! Beautiful leather, beautiful paint, gorgeous color, excellent stereo. Rode just perfect. Really, really terrific car. (I am so glad we don’t have that monstrous gas guzzler now, though!)
I am really looking forward to further dialoging with you this week. I hope you are as well.
Love,
Me
What can I do to bring about forgiveness and healing in our relationship? HDIFAMA?
Dear LORD:
Help me to become fully transformed into your image from glory to glory, reflecting fully the face of your son. Amen!
MDDL:
Your MEQ tonight was what you read to the group just now. That was very touching. I loved the part about our new beginning.
What I can do to bring about forgiveness and healing in our relationship is to forgive myself, to become fully Present in the moment, and to allow the transformation of my soul to complete itself.
I know that I have made little bitty baby steps so far in this process. But I feel the momentum building. The process of practicing yoga, being observant of my thoughts, watching my reactions and learning from them, and allowing the Watcher to temper those reactions, will eventually result in a complete healing in our relationship which I believe is yet to be fully realized.
As you said yesterday: “I’ll take care of me for you if you’ll take care of you for me.” By doing the things I describe above, I become fully human, perhaps for the first time in my whole life. This enables me to forgive myself, heal, and in the process to fully love you. You deserve no less.
The way I feel about this is very hopeful and optimistic. Like you said, a new beginning has begun. As I wrote to you in the poem I wrote today:
It Begins
I Am begins with a breath
continues with a glance
finishes with a sound
and returns again
Cycles upon cycles
weather of the soul
pouring forth into stillness
a torrent of thoughts
drenched with suchness
What began in obscurity
ends in clarity
the deep and powerful presence of life
I feel the clarity coming. I feel that deep and powerful presence of my own life within me. I feel that within you as well. The flow between us is very strong. We are returning to the source of that which Is, for there and there alone do we find ourselves. It is in that place as well that we see the face of God.
My optimistic and hopeful feeling is very, very strong, definitely a 10. It is like the feeling of a new morning on a clear spring day after the winter has just left and life is returning. It is also like seeing the life of a child blossom and grow, watching him or her learn to walk, gaining new strength and new abilities each day. The color is brilliant blue of a distant clear spring sky, capped over with the light of a new sun.
In terms of a shared memory it would be like when we got the Alaska job after my period of unemployment when we were living in the Dallas area, and we finally had an income sufficient to sustain our family. We had hope again. I had once again earned my self respect, as well as yours.
I will close now. I am completely fried, toasted, boiled, poached, broiled, and steamed. Pretty much cooked in other words. I hope they ring the bell soon. I want to come up to the room and be with you.
See you soon.
Love,
Me
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